i just don't get it

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i'm tired of not understanding how social interactions work. how to respond, what to say, is it appropriate to talk about it? i'm tired of appeasing to people who i want to try to have friendships with but it never happens, or i just find myself incredibly drained for no reason and cant bother to respond.

im tired of feeling like a bad person for not understanding. i try, and i feel like the internet makes everything worse, but it's also a curse that i find myself able to respond more strongly than i can in real life - i'd just fumble over my words or get too riled up and start crying because im too frustrated.

i rather just kill myself than go on, i don't have much to live for. i more or less dropped out of college. i don't have a family. i have a partner, but they can do better than me. i don't think i was supposed to be born and as punishment god or whatever f*cking exists decided to make my life a living hell.

i don't know how to handle anything. why am i so g0ddamn pathetic? why am i this stupid pile of flesh that can't do anything right except cry?

It sounds like you just need to get the right support.
Consider going to a doctor of general medicine and explain to them how you feel.
If you don't think that you can do that face to face, perhaps write something
such as what you have written above and give it to them to read.

Most MD's / medical doctors (called GP's in the UK)
should be able to help in one or more ways.

Antidepressants and other med's can help reduce how depressed you are, as well as help a bit with social anxiety.
If you have a formal diagnosis of Autism Spectrum Disorder, then you may be able to get an occupational therapist to help advise with various autism spectrum disorder based issues (i.e. help you with sensory issues etc.)

Medical doctors may also be able to refer you to a psychologist, who can give you counseling or CBT.

A medical doctor may also be able to refer you to an autism spectrum disorder support group.
If the doctor you speak with does not know, then you should be able to get information from your national autism charity, which can be contacted via website.

I completely understand how crap it is to have autism spectrum disorder, in a world that doesn't understand.
However, despite life for a person with autism spectrum disorder being harder than it is for normal people
this does not mean that there isn't still a lot in life to enjoy.

Sure, many of us won't necessarily be the next big superstar actor, model or rock star.
But does not mean that life has nothing to offer us.

Trying to stay positive is an essential skill to get through life. Being in your early 20s means that you likely have a great deal of years left on this planet and loads of potential opportunities available to you, many which you likely aren't aware of.

Personally i stay contented by engrossing myself in my favourite areas of interest.
So i recommend that you find one or more areas of interest to focus your mind on.

Ideally something that stimulates you intellectually, creatively and perhaps even spiritually.

There are loads of great activities that we can focus our time on while on this planet that
have the potential to bring us great pleasure.

I recommend focusing on them rather than the darkness in this world and the darkness in our own lives.
Much of life can be viewed in many different ways.

You can look for all that is bad in life, and see bad where ever you go.
Or you can look on the bright side of life, which may brighten your outlook.

There is a lot to be said for the count your blessings idea.

Count your blessings before you go to bed every day, and you remind yourself what good there is in your life and the world. I recommend including in your counting all sorts of things that we take for granted, such as shelter, food, clothing, partner, any friends, good health, even the natural beauty that we see in the world around us every day of our lives.

If you learn to be thankful for the many good things in life that we have, then you start to appreciate what you have.
If it helps, thank God (which ever one that you believe in), for the things that you have.

The funny thing is, doing this simple activity does help you change your outlook on life and appreciate the little things.
Prey to God, see if it helps.

From a different perspective, Buddhists believe that the nature of life is suffering.
Following the logic that even those with everything in life can not escape suffering as we all inevitably
grow old, our bodies decay and then die.

The Buddhists believe however that there is an answer, an solution to this problem is to accept that we suffer,
and taking that into account, learn to live with the suffering.

If interested in this idea, then perhaps buy a book on Buddhism that explains their philosophy in more detail.
I can recommend books by the Dalai Lama.

As for activities to take up.
I can say there are loads of activities that may take your mind off your suffering.
For example:

Sport
Music
Art
Learning language
Martial Arts
Cooking
Craft

etc.
hope this post helps you
hope you feel better soon

Everybody was “supposed to be born.”

^ Seconded

You are not a bad person.

Learn to forgive yourself.

i feel for what you have described, Honeytoast, i really do. i have been on this earth for roughly twice as long as you, and can tell you that in light of this, that eventually it does get better, but that the intervening years are a real trial, a real test of one's mettle, but if you stick it out you will be light years ahead, if you stay the course you will have a degree in the school of hard knocks and that henceforth, nothing more will be able to get you seriously down. you will get a hard-won sense of perspective, which will enable you to see things in their correct precedence and not be easily alarmed at temporary problems. on a slightly tangential tack, i can tell you that when i was on Strattera, that was the first and only time in my life [before my present long-in-the-tooth dotage] that life made sense to me, it was the first and only time in my life when i could be both relaxed yet alert at the same time. YMMV, but if you are like me with slow frontal lobes, that is something to ask your MP about.