The bitter taste of perceived rejection.

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After sending out mass texts to people in my support circle over the last couple of days and getting zero responses back, it is impossible for me to not do what I should not be doing. Taking it personally.

Loneliness is devouring me alive.

Maybe your phone did not send the messages out correctly? Anyway, try not to take it so personal. If they don't want to talk to you then it is their problem, not yours.

Nah, I know it is not because they do not want to talk with me. I am a single autistic guy, most of my friends are NT guys with wives and families to attend to.

Like I said, I know I should not be taking any of this personally. Yet I do. Perhaps I carry a nasty narcissistic streak. Perhaps narcissism is in my blood.

Or perhaps my skin is too thin, or perhaps I am slightly paranoid, or perhaps I faced so much genuine rejection in my life that it ends up being exactly where my mind wanders to whenever something like this happens.

In any case, I really would rather not jump to the "worst case scenario" and assume that is the case contrary to evidence that states otherwise. What I am going though now is a disconnect between my intellect (which has a pretty good idea of what is going on) and my gut instinct (which, in this case, does not).

My thoughts??

You're lonely, and miserable, and going through Hell.

Lonely and miserable and going through Hell does not stop hurting, or sucking, because all your social contacts have spouses, children, homes, and jobs to attend to and you're just at the back of the queue right now.

Logic and maturity say not to blame them or take it personally.

Logic and maturity are right, of course.

It's just that it's easier said than done, and loneliness and misery and Hell are very good at telling you that it's shittiness on their part or due to you being unworthy.

Keep listening to logic and maturity.

Yes, I know that's incredibly difficult.

Yeah, that's pretty much the truth. I do feel quite nonessential to the world around me. I probably should be thinking about what I can offer to others instead of what support I can get from the people around me. The longer I stay in my own head, the worse it gets, and solid logic alone is not enough to get me to snap out of it.

But I am not alone. I know that to be true. It feels that way when I have a bad day, but I guess that comes with the territory when I live with Asperger syndrome and severe depression. Both of which I am being treated for.

I guess I probably could look at how far I have gone. Six months ago, I would have drowned this out with a fifth of Maker's Mark. So, the fact that did not even occur to me as a possibility this time is improvement, I guess.

The reality is that my clinical depression is my worst enemy right now. And I should not be allowing myself to sit with my worst enemy if I can avoid it. When it is just me dwelling inside of my head, I am alone with an insane person.

Another possibility is to think about what support you can offer yourself. It’s hard to offer to other people in depression and it’s a trap to get stuck in ‘if only they’d support me’. It's a trap to get stuck in thoughts without action. Not drinking for example is a good bit of self support by not making things worse. What else depends on the situation. What did you hope they'd respond with?

I don't know. I have to face the reality that I will never have a family that resembles a family. I feel like nobody really needs me to exist.

Of course, we both know that feeling is BS.

I do not want people to stick around me out of mere pity. I actually want ties that are so strong that I am not a back burner afterthought. I want to feel like I have a reason to get out of bed in the morning. I want to feel that God allowed me to be born for reasons other than to spite my mother.

I have a drive without a purpose.

This is just a thought, but texting is not necessarily the best way to connect with people. It may be the format of what you have been reaching out with, that results in no replies.

What did your texts say? If you don't want to reply to that question, that's fine. Just sit with the thought that maybe the message or the form of delivery of the message were not optimal for the support you needed.

It's also possible that if everyone you texted knew you sent out a mass text, everyone thought someone else was reaching out to you and collectively dropped the ball. It is also possible that a mass text was seen as less serious because it was sent to everyone (less private is generally seen as less intense/important, I think.)

It is better to contact a specific person or two who are your closest friends.
Is there someone you can call and say "I really need to talk"?

The thing is, I actually have SIX closest friends in my 12-step fellowship. If I text, and they're not busy, all six of them will call within an hour. Sometimes, all six of them have lives of their own, and I take that personally. The issue is not that they think my call for help is unimportant. The issue is not that they are relying on others to make the contact when I am making a call for help. The issue is that sometimes I have to learn to be comfortable with myself, because circumstances require their immediate attention. Two of them (a married couple) just had to deal with the wife's mother breaking her hip. The third one just went through a nasty divorce and had a chance to spend time with his kids, where the mother has full custody. The fourth one got called into work after somebody else called in sick. The fifth one was sleeping and had his ringer turned off. The sixth one was at a family birthday party.

Knowing all of this now makes my feelings of insecurity seem quite petty and childish.

I have to learn how to be comfortable in solitude. I have to learn to like myself.

They say that if you want a friend in Washington, D.C. - get a dog.

That's more a comment on Washington than on dogs, but perhaps you could look into something like that. A pet is very good at filling lonely minutes and also engaging you in caring for them. Even if your building does not allow pets, you can get one as an accommodation for your disability, with a psychiatrist's note.

Hope you are feeling better soon.

I see.
What about turning on the TV or radio just for some background noise?
That doesn't help with liking yourself better, but it does help with not feeling so alone.
When I was going through the worst part of my anxiety, the ambient noise helped a lot.

As far as liking yourself better, do you have any hobbies?
I find knitting/crocheting to be very therapeutic, and I do that while watching a movie or TV show.
It is soothing and also ends up in a completed project, which boosts the self esteem.

I think pets are helpful, too, but I prefer cats over dogs.
My cats have always been just the right amount friendly for me.