I hate that I have to go through my teen years now

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Most people go through the phase where they emotionally seperate from their parents when they're about 14-16. I kind of went through that phase when I was twelve, but it didn't work out for me so I suppressed it. It made my parent's life way easier. But I think it contributed to my lack of motivation and emptiness(depression).

Now that I'm getting a tiny bit better I'm making myself undergo that process again. It's pretty hard. While I don't know everything I'm also trying to remember that I do know something. When I was a doormat to my parents I felt like I knew nothing and couldn't do anything.

My mom also takes care of my supplements. One of her ways of gauging how well I'm doing is how I interact with her. I've had moments where I felt like I was doing better, but since I was not focusing on her as much she disagreed.

She also loves to manipulate me by calling me abusive for no good reason. Just now she called me abusive because I didn't feed my cat wet food. My cat still had a lot of dry food.

She hasn't called me abusive in years. She did that to me as a child all the time whenever I argued with my sister or parents like a normal kid. She also threatened to send me to a foster home or go to a mental hospital. I'm surprised I don't have BPD(as far as I know.) I think that's abusive behavior and she's just not admitting it.

She also had to nitpick small stuff like me recoloring my hair. I'm just trying different combinations. She expects me to look like a slob. She can look like a slob all she wants. I just want her to not talk to me about my appearance. I hate that I'm having this argument at 19.

I should have been dying my hair crazy colors at 15 and 16. I should have had crazy punk friends and had my first girlfriend. Now I have to do all this at 19. It makes me feel so immature, but it's an emotional need that wasn't met.

I was basically robbed of my teen years. It seems like unnatural hair colors are trendy now, so know I just look like some trend follower. Now my mom and sister are suggesting I grow out my hair so I get an ombre. This shouldn't make me upset, but it is. I do not want to be a basic white girl. It makes me feel like everyone sees me as a lazy trend follower.

I'm de cluttering my area so she has no more excuses to go into my area unannounced. I just hate when she messes with my stuff.

It does sound as if your mother is rather nit-picky about petty things. Have you tried to negotiate with your mother about these things? At 19 you are an adult, but as you still live under her roof she probably has certain expectations of you. I would have a frank discussion about these issues with her and try to come to a mutual agreement as to what boundaries are reasonable, especially the room invasions. Have you ever given your mother reason in the past to suspect things like drugs, alcohol, tobacco, etc? By the way, I don't think your mother has been 'abusive' based on your post. I WAS emotionally abused by my mother, and I can tell you that your issues seem to be a far cry from that!

Yeah...when I was 19, I used to argue with my mother all the time. It wasn't a good time.

I was lucky I was able to leave the house at age 20.

I didn't emotionally separate from my folks until I was well into my 20's. And it wasn't the normal, healthy, gradual disengaging either, where the parent encourages the child to mature and the child goes off to be an adult. Google the term, "enmeshment" to see why. Also, gaslighting. Decades later, when I see them trying the same manipulation it's easy to identify because with just a few words from them in the right tone I feel empty, worthless and somehow to blame for everything. As if I need them to allow me to feel I have any worth at all. Then I recognize what is happening, what they just tried to do and I am my own Self again. Not theirs. But it took a while to get to this point. For a number of reasons, I ended up going through something like the classic stages of grief (like when someone dies) for the childhood and teen years I didn't have. It never goes away, but it does eventually fade into near obscurity in your sense of Self and your emotional history.

Now, for some perspective. If you want your hair a different color? You are an adult. Under her/their roof & care or not, please know that it's your body and your choice. A healthy parent-adult child relationship does not include that kind of control; it's out of balance and doesn't allow for growth. Body sovereignty is a basic human right. Also, the cat was not starving or even hungry; that was NOT abuse.

Is it conceivable that your mom has a lot of the same issues you have, but has learned to hide them, and then blame the result/effect of having them on you (hence the gaslighting reference)?