My meltdowns are making me feel human garbage.

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First of all, hi. I'm new here, name's Tess.


I have had aniexty and panic attacks for as long as I can remember, but whe it comes to my family...

they like to mess up with me, specially my grandpa. He finds it funny to push me until I explode.

And I get really mad. I don't get angry often, but it's like suddenly I can't control myself, I start screaming nonsense and shaking and kicking furniture until I retreat to my bedroom, where I colapse and I feel empty and overwhelmed at the same time, I can't talk, I cant type, I just listen to music or sounds I find relaxing while rocking myself and pressing my nails against my arms or pull my hair.

When it stops, I'm so tired I simply fall asleep.


When I wake up I feel so ashamed, and all these years I thought I was a brat, and now I'm thinking maybe this is an aspie thing? Like a meltdown?

I know it's not anxiety or a panic attack.

I was diagnosed last week so I'm only starting to understand everything.

(I must add that I've had an awful childhood because my pparents where really abusive and my graandpa was an enabler.)

I'd like to get any kind of opinions, suggestions, everything!

Hi Tess, Welcome to WP.
Your Grandpa is just cruel. I would have meltdowns as well if he did that to me. I am sorry you are going through this. I would suggest you stay away from him as best you can.

Ultimately it's your life, not theirs. If they're not willing to listen when you politely ask them to stop harassing you, then the next step is to disassociate yourself with them. It will be painful, but not as painful as sticking around and being their target for the rest of your life.

I need to go through that topic with my therapist - my family wrecked me mentally and emotionally, but I just feel I NEED them to love me.

I know you're right, but I'm pretty weak.

I agree with this.

It's important to remember that you are not responsible for your family's abusive behaviour, they are. And emotional abuse is just as wrong as physical abuse. There is no excuse for your family to be abusive towards you in any way. You must talk to your therapist about your meltdowns and the abuse, and cut off all contact with your parents and grandpa.

I really hope things will improve for you. Good luck!

And do you know what Tess? That need to be accepted by your family is perfectly understandable. Most humans naturally want to feel they are part of a group and what group would you be a part of if not your family? Here's the thing though: Family can be many things. It can be your SO and any kids you might have or it may even be a group of close friends that you treat like family. If your blood relatives are making your life hell you can dump them and start your own little family of people who care about and appreciate you for who you are. You might feel weak right now but trust me, the sense of relief and liberation you feel from finally doing what is necessary is worth it.