Give up?

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I've been trying so hard for so long. And what I've got is a mess. I went to the doctor (and gave her the tests she wanted) but she wants to see me again. I went to the dentist and owe $1000 and still have gap-tooth. (I took the $1000 out of my Retirement Fund - tax 21%). I joined the choir and loved it until the Leader turned into a lunatic and wanted to play best-friends-you-owe-me. There are other things I could join. I'm very allergic to the mouthwash the dentist prescribed and now my respiratory system is clogged but not emergency.

Today is the 11th anniversary of Mom's passing - am I never going to get over it? Apparently not. I asked Mom that in 1965, about her mother, and she said you don't get over it, you just don't have to think about it so much. And I saw the grief on her face - her mother died ~1955. Uh - eleven years on that conversation. Coincidence.

I can't learn to play the piano because that was Mom's life dream destroyed. Thank you for listening to that one. It was hard to type. My sister thinks it's evil to play the piano when Mom had the gift but no piano. I have a 61-key keyboard and I've had lessons but I quit before I got anywhere (of course). I play the scale of C every day; it's relaxing.

My apartment is a mess and I have nothing to wear because I need to run a wash and I have to get dressed to run a wash.

Mom does drop by. She stayed with me the whole time I had breast cancer and she visited briefly when I crushed my toe. Both times she didn't speak but looked steadily at me with that Mom-look that says you'll be better soon. But she's not on call. Maybe I can pretend she's here. Great golly look at this place! Ewww.

I finally got a mop - and it needs batteries! I can't go out, that's why getting a mop took so long. I don't know where to begin or whether to stop trying.

Are you there?

You can't stop trying.

At least you have those memories of your mother--which are really good memories.

Just wear the least dirty of your clothes, or a tee-shirt and sweat pants or something--and do the laundry.

Exactly what kraftiekortie said. Wear your least dirty clothing and do the laundry. Even if your least dirty are really dirty, don't worry about it, who cares, do what you have to do, don't fall victim to people's judgements. It is counter productive.

I think that at this point in your life you may want to consider a 'who cares what people think of me' type of attitude but within reason.

Like for example, again, if you're afraid to do the laundry because all you have is dirty clothing to wear in public and are embarrassed of what people might think of you, just take the who cares approach and do what you need to do.

If the leader of the choir wants you to owe them something that is uncalled for, just say no and who cares what they think. Even if they are a friend, you can say no but be respectful. Not enough people say no these days.

Never give up, never stop trying, find something to do that you love, and stay strong.

Thank you, kraftiekortie and Everwolf, for your solid encouragement. It got me up and doing, tho I move with the speed of molasses. I did accomplish stuff, cleaned up and went out. My next bout is here - must shower again. Oh, do you see, I have to get the old kitty litter out of there (it's bagged) and put away the clothes I washed.

I went to the SingAlong and loved it but I think I looked like somebody homeless. There is a power-struggle in the SingAlong, between the Leader and a retired Priest, the issue being who's giving the orders around here. Also I skipped the performance and the Priest seems to be leading a coterie who will not greet me. Not unlike my childhood. But this time around, I get to stay in the choir.

So now I've to another round, sorta like Monopoly. Time to take another shower and pass Go.

Thank you for your help.

Hi Claradoon,

If there's any way you can learn to play the piano, go for it. And your age doesn't matter, your interest does. Your mother would be happy for you.

Good for you on joining the choir. I hope things will go better for you, whatever you ultimately decide.

I was in the youth choir as a child. Got away from it as an adult, since I tended to travel at holidays and that's exactly when the choir would want me to attend, but I wouldn't be able to commit to it. Maybe one day I'll look into it again ... or maybe not.

Joining things in the parish can be a challenge due to the existence of cliques. There was one women's retreat that was an exception. It went very well because we were centered on Jesus and not on power politics.

Then it got to the point where even Donut Sundays weren't working ... and I had tried more than once. So instead of going to Donut Sundays, I would go alone out on the nature trails with my camera ... and guess what? Now I'm an artist who specializes in landscape and nature photography ... have gotten my artwork on display in art gallery and museum exhibits.

Some of us have talents which don't seem to fit in at the parish level. Some of us are called elsewhere. It's a matter of finding your niche.

...

Thanks so much for that. I hadn't known and it was puzzling. Now I know I'm not causing it. It did exist before I got here. I'm trying to learn to get out with people rather than be a loner, so I have to learn some basic things. Cliques is the perfect word for it.

But needing more info about the situation should be tended.