This again

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Depression has hit with a vengeance.
This is me getting into a negative thought process where I come to the conclusion that I'm too defective to live.
And the thing is, I know those thoughts are mostly BS.
Logically, I know everyone has their faults and that's part of life.
My faults aren't even that bad really, compared to some people.
I'm not a horrible person.
But all it takes is one little maggot to get into my brain and it eats away until I feel like I want to die.
And I can't get that thought out of my head.
I feel like I should leave everyone alone and put myself into exile because I may hurt people because of my stupidity and I would rather just go away than do that.

I knew I was too happy the other day.
Merry Christmas.

You're a talented artist. And people actually buy your stuff. Wow!
Thinking that you're "not bad" isn't enough. Gotta back it up with some positive thoughts too.

Yeah been there. IRL I'm among the most serious independent programmers in existence but we operate on group-think - any negativity I see on the wider internet (NOT WP) pretty much just merges into me and I start thinking I'm beneath everybody. It leads to out-of-body disassociation, insomnia and then some.

I tend to think for months & months & months I should leave everybody alone, spare them the crazy hacker ramblings and just knuckle down studying so I can someday build whatever we all need. But then they invite me around...

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos

Hey..you're gonna be okay..
Merry Christmas.

Please bake me some biscuits!

Merry Christmas!

Stop being sad: that's an order!

Oh, Raleigh, this makes me so, SOOOOO sad, that you're sad!! I'm struggling with finding the words that I think would help----you know, something other than the usual cliché-sounding things ("Think GOOD thoughts", "Do something productive", "Engage in your favorite hobby"); I know those things don't work, at a time like this.....

The only thing I can come-up with, is to please know that alot of people here think you're a good, GOOD person----and, that you have alot of WORTH----and, know that I'm sending you ((((HUGS)))).

Also, I know you wouldn't intentionally say anything that you knew would hurt someone----just chalk-it-up to your filter being, momentarily, on the fritz, and continue to work-on strengthening it; that's what we all have to do, so you're not alone in being "stupid"----I'm right there, with ya!

Take care, Hon,

Cat

I think most of the people on this site have these sort of issues - I'm supposed to be extremely bright, but sometimes I can't work out whether or not to say 'Hello' to someone, or even how to, if that makes any sense. You come across as anything but 'stupid' in your posts, which are always expressed with the utmost clarity, thoughtfulness and a good sense of humour. And you're one of the smartest operators around in the word games we play on here. As Campin Cat says, we like you here and I suspect that must apply in the wider world, even if it sometimes isn't apparent to you.

Christmas eh, the most wonderful time of the year... [slightly sarcastic]

It seems to make everyone just fruity enough from the pressure of all the perfect everything that it triggers all underlying conditions.

I think you are great, Those sneaky depressive thoughts are full of it.

DeepHour and everyone on this thread has worded why you are well liked, so nicely.

Do I need to roll out the fan club smiley?

(((R a l e i g h))) ><)))'> x

Thank you.
I always find it really hard to respond when I make these kind of threads.
I can't find the words.

Love you.
I will be better soon.

Just be glad it's not one of those scarabs from The Mummy in your brain.

Or a bug from the agents Smith...

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos

Rewatched the Animatrix last month, that was one of the better stories on it.

I wish a bug would eat my brain,
Thoughts and all; devour the pain.

I can identify so much with the feelings you described in your OP. I have been through it more than once. Surviving depression is a bit of a double-edged sword--you know from experience that you can get through it, and that these thoughts aren't reasonable. But...the fact that you know it is not logical or reasonable has no bearing on the fact that you still feel this way and these thoughts keep running through your brain. And since you have been through it before, you remember how bad it is.

Do you need any kind of medical attention? I needed some stronger antidepressants for the worst of it. When it is not bad i am ok on mild antianxiety meds.

I am so sorry. Hugs for you this Christmas.