The ramblings of an insane man

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I need to vent some emotions or lack thereof, no reply necessary but welcome, I might not even post this I don't know. I just need to get some stuff out and I feel like rambling in a wrong planet dialog box. Also its late so this might have typos and anyone that knows me knows I can't freaking spell anyway. Also I am high as a kite so proceed with caution.

Its 2:00 AM, I am up, listening to music and I have an array of emotions I can't really recognize. I've been having trouble sleeping and my mind seems to ramble in my head, despite my best intentions not to, it seems I live in the past more than the present. It doesn't accomplish anything but makes me more depressed and it seems like this stuff just plays in my head over and over again. First off, I can't help but wonder how someone else would fair in my shoes, my life hasn't be a walk in the park. I have dealt with abuse, homelessness, substance abuse and rejection. Oh my god the rejection, I feel numb to it and all I do is stay alone in my room to avoid rejection. Some of it, hell most of it is for good reason. I treated my parents like s**t as a teenager and frankly I expect nothing less than them not wanting to live with me. I had meltdowns or "anger outbursts" towards them and said terrible things to them and as far as my friends go, I was always just too damn high. I have never really been stable and as a result I have no one left.

I guess for the reasons above and more I became homeless back in 2010 and stayed that way until 2011 and all that did is lead to more substance abuse and taught me how to be criminal. Which the latter really helped my relationships with my friends or the people around me (sarcasm). I stole, lied, did drugs, got arrested a bunch and was giving zero f**ks about the direction of my life; I did some crazy s**t and even preformed some acts of violence. I wasn't a good person and this lead to more drugs and drinking and is also part of the reason why I am stuck awake at 2:00 AM. I feel like I have spent most of my adult life locked up in either jail or a psychiatric hospital. Over 120 hospitalizations give or take, half of which included detox from drugs and the other half with a serious threat of an overdose, either in a attempt to end my miserable life or just to get high.

This is just scratching the surface of my f**ked up life, I have done every drug from marijuana to heroin and even drugs aside I am screwed up. My criminal past keeps me up but the scary reality is I am just numb to it all. I used to care and wish my life was different but I don't anymore, I just keep bottling up emotions. I had a therapist but she wanted to meet less because I just show no emotion towards her, I am dead inside and I say I've changed but I haven't. Hell I was drunk earlier and I am high right now, it just feels like this f**ked up past is less and less relevant because I know I am done trying. I am numb and am just giving up, I am giving up having any f**king friends or a family. I used to want to be dead but now I just want to be left alone.

Whats ironic is I always say I had good intentions in life but maybe I didn't cause no one with good intentions would leave behind as much destruction and ruined relationships than I have. The rejection really hurts the most but its also how I was rejected, I guess because of my behaviour I scared some people and I have had people I truly care about tell me they feel threatened by my presence. People I would never dream of hurting and they just f**king leave, I don't know how to feel about it, I am both hurt and angry that people feel that way about me but at the same time I can't even blame them. I am piece of s**t, I wouldn't spend time with someone like me if I was someone else, how is it fair that I expect more from others than myself?

The hospitalizations haven't taught me comping skills, they have just taught me to bottle my emotions up least I get hurt, thats all I have f**king learned in life. Is to never be honest about how you feel, I mean its Christmas time and I am miserable. I am going to go off with my family and just fake it. Pretend everything is ok when I am so numb, I don't feel anything. I don't feel pain or love the way I did before, I realize now its just all meaningless. I spend my days brain dead in front of some video game or movie and honestly I don't even want be with my family on Christmas, I would rather just be left alone. I don't even want to talk to them as of late but I fake it, more and more I fake it and more and more I feel dead inside.

The acts violence, the relationships I have had, the intimacy or physical relationships I have had, the drugs, the poor decisions, the homelessness. Its all meaningless to me now, I think about it and my mind runs blank. I used to have regret or anxiety but I don't really feel that anymore, I am just numb to it. I would kill myself but I have giving up on that too, I am truly broken to the point that I have no hope. Not even in death do I feel this pain would end. I am alive but in a way I am already dead, I just do some drugs and fake it.

Yeah just do some drugs and fake it...

F**k it I am out, I guess I'll just leave this here...

* Edited to lower the number of hospitalizations, I think that might have been exaggerated a bit but you get the idea *

You sound completely miserable. I have been that way almost my entire life. I have a problem with alcohol myself. Addiction and depression can be almost impossible for some people to get out of. Drugs and alcohol just mess up brain chemistry and make depression and anxiety worse, in most cases.

I don't really know what to say to you, other than that you have got to fight for yourself and your right to be happy. I've been doing it my whole life, and it doesn't always work. But I just fight, because the alternative is death or worse and I haven't decided I want to die yet.

I really hope things work out for you. And I hate most therapists, btw. I saw my first therapist at age 12 and have seen many since. It's rare to find a good one. But they definitely aren't going to be able to do anything for you if you don't tell them anything.

My god.

Serious question sir: Are you my uncle, Blake Jones? Lives in Australia, likes rap music.

EDIT: Sorry, didn't see your location is listed as in the U.S.

Still...

Because everything you have said, word for word, is exactly what he as an aspie has experienced.

But, the only thing out-of-character is that I never thought my uncle would have these thoughts in his head. I thought he was content with his life and remorseless, in that to say he was fine with just how 'low' in life he really is.

I don't really know what to say either,. Are you currently at your lowest point in life or has this been one of the higher points? At least you could argue that things are (and can continue to potentially) be looking up.

Damn man, that's some f**ked up s**t right there. Seriously. I'd like to be able to tell you I relate, and sometimes think I had a hard life, but f*ck man that seems like a lot of tragedy squeezed into a young life.

There's never a too late though. Your story sounds similar to my best friends cousin (whom I accept as my own). He had early childhood abandonment from his dad, who chose heroin and pills over his kids, a severely disabled mom and grew up broke as hell. Got in with the wrong people, started getting involved in robbing people, selling and doing drugs and God only knows what else. Dude got himself hooked on H and almost killed himself. He was to the point where his own family feared him. My friend, who was like his brother, was threatened with getting his throat slit (wouldn't have happened on my watch) over 50 bucks for weed. Threatened his aunt (my friends mom) with similar things. He was living literally in someone's backyard under a tarp in Florida, doing as much junk as he could get his hands on and almost died. He's about your age.

But one day, he picked himself up, got treatment and got off the s**t. He moved back to NJ and mended fences with his family. He's clean, works a good job, as a girlfriend with a young daughter and is happy for the first time in his life.

The more time you waste fixating on your regrets, the less time you can spend trying to rectify them. Don't waste any more of your life looking back and torturing yourself because the clock is ticking for all of us. What's done is done. Move on and do the best you can to be a better person, whatever that means to you. Do the best you can to learn from it and grow as a fallible human being that we all are. Like you said, many people, if dealt your hand in life very well may be in an even worse spot.

Maybe it's time for a move? Out of state, somewhere brand new? A new start? Those types of change of surrounding can have profound benefits for someone trying to turn the page on their life. It's never too late.

I'm sorry if I oversimplified your struggle or over-identified. I tend to do that. It's all because I know emotional, self hating hurt and wish for no one to have to feel that way. But these are thoughts if we lived in a perfect world. We obviously do not.

Should you feel the need to vent to someone, you can PM me if you wish. I will not judge the most hateful vengeful things you can muster. I have many of my own so I know where they come from.

Otherwise man, try to ease up on the hard drugs man. I know it seems like you may have nothing else. And who knows, maybe right now you don't. But the only way to fix that is to not be so f**ked up all the time. This isn't an anti-drug comment so much as a for you in your situation chill out comment. Good luck man.

Being obstructive and confrontational with your family and society obviously hasn't brought you happiness, and neither have drug abuse and criminal acts.

You sound as though you recognize the futility of the path you are on. If you are ready to change, you can. I would say get into a substance abuse treatment program ASAP. Your choices may be limited due to your criminal and violence history, so you might have to take any you can get into.

I really hope you can turn your life around.

Yeah thanks guys, I do realize that drugs and alcohol mess with these emotions worse but its hard to break away. I can do so great for a few months but the urge always come creeping up again. While I have been arrested a lot I feel its important to mention that I don't have a criminal record, some how I am luckiest person alive and keep getting it expunged and there has been a lot that I simply haven't answered for. I also agree that I need to talk to my therapist but I don't know what say anymore, everything just seems so dark but its like I have come to peace with it being this way.

Also yes Outrider, I am in the US and I dislike most rap music but I am comforted to know that I am not the only aspie that has walked down this path. I don't know that I am at the lowest point, I have been in worse, like jail or institutionalized but this definitely feels the lowest point emotionally. beakybird, you don't come across over-identifying, I relate to a lot of what you say. I might PM after Christmas but I have some faking it I need to be doing in the meantime.

Finally, BeaArthur, I am assuming your from Right Planet which surprises me you replied to this thread. However, there are a few things I would like to set straight, my intention was well place on Right Planet and I generally meant no harm, I hope you can see that. I don't mean any other person harm, I really don't, things just fall as they do. I want you to know I have no hard feelings towards you and hope you feel the same about me. Also, I feel inclined to again point out, that I had nothing to do with raid / spam that took place on Autism Social Forum under my name. That was a sad excuse for a troll and I believe that person goes under the username dramoe and this person also trolled Right Planet.

That being said, I also agree with your substance abuse treatment program idea and I have wanted to go but I can't afford it financially and my insurance only pays for detox which hasn't helped me so far. I have also admitting gotten a lot better about my drug use and generally make better decisions like not going out in public under the influence but I would like to get that use to zero. Also as mentioned above, I actually have a clean record now and outside of drugs I haven't broken any major laws since homelessness. However the scars remain as does the guilt and things I can't get out of my head.

DCJ, I don't hold any ill will toward you. I see a person in crisis.

Your family must still love you or they would not be including you in Christmas. Remember that, even if being around them is hard.

Why don't you ask them if they can help you get into a drug program?

If you can get SSI, which I bet you can, then I think Medicaid will pay for drug treatment, although it won't be the swanky kind of place like the Betty Ford Clinic. No horseback riding and free massages, sorry.

Good luck, and try to have some cheer around the holidays.

Yeah thats where it gets complex, I am on both SSI and SSDI for disability and as a result I have different insurance. Which I believe is better in most cases but this is an exception, I am not an insurance person but I know I have something called dual eligibility from my case manager. I appreciate your support BeaArthur and I came across a bit defensive in my last post, I don't mean to minimize my mistakes. I have made more than enough online and offline and I accept responsibility for that. I might ask my family for help this weekend after Christmas but I think faking it until than is best. I will remember the family invite if I feel down over the next few days. There was a rehab that was $1500 with my insurance, I wrote it off as being unaffordable but it might actually be idea if I can get a payment plan.

Merry Christmas guys, I'll try to get into the spirit.