I've Reached a Final Analysis of Myself...

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...and that is, undeniably, I can be an extremely hateful person to those that anger me to the boiling point.

Lemme try to explain...about 2 weeks ago, as a result of a Sulfasalazine overdose, my family doctor said that he couldn't trust me anymore, and made sure I was given my pills by my parents. I tried to explain that my overdose was just one lapse, but he wouldn't listen...

So for the next 2 weeks, I took the pills, but didn't swallow; instead, horded them in my room, to take at my own leisure....not to overdose of course, because nothing upsetting happened...but the doc found out about that, and only 5 days ago, he decreed that not only would I have to be handed my pills, I'd have to be WATCHED as I swallowed them!!

...F---!! ! I AIN'T NO LITTLE KID!! HE WANTS TO KEEP MY PILLS AWAY FROM ME, LIKE *COOKIES*???! !! !

Well, I was prepared for that B.S. to be pulled on me, because when he left the office for about 6 minutes to get my mom to tell her about his decision...I did something that I'm REALLY ashamed of...

I....I performed an indecent act on my body...and when I was done...wiped my 'efforts' on one of his tongue depressors, and put it back in the jar..... -_-

It's times like this that I wonder...maybe there really IS something wrong with me...*tears up*...

I feel one of our biggest problems is over thinking and analyzing things..

I have always hated being told what to do and especially when younger would become more defiant if told not to do some think, this was partly due to not understanding myself, let alone others... angry, frustration, tears... but in the end we know whats wrong and right and can only respect and be our true self when we face up to who we truly are...

i is confused
you want to take the pills at your leisure bc you don't have the time enough to swallow when you are given them?

I'm glad you're ashamed. What you did might get an innocent person sick. It's a good thing that you're sorry about it. Your doctor wants you to be safe. If you tried to OD not long ago, that means everybody who cares about you is very worried right now. Just give them what they want so that they know you'll be okay. Try to remember that if you want to negotiate with people, being calm will usually get you better results.

Let's review the facts.

When you were given the pills to take yourself, you had one incident when you OD'ed on the pills. When your parents were given to pills to give to you, you pretended that you had taken them, but you just horded them in your room instead. Your doctor learned about this and has decided that you need to be observed as you take the pill on the schedule that he prescribes.

What exactly about this is surprising to you? You don't take your medication as it is intended, so the doctor will take steps to make sure that it is. Do you honestly expect the doctor to do something different?

Last edited by viska on 03 Mar 2008, 10:31 pm, edited 1 time in total.

It's fine to be hateful I guess, but you need to at least direct your hate.

The doctor isn't going to be using the Tongue Depressors on himself, so you've just brought harm to someone like yourself.

Next time do it to his briefcase or something.

Anyway, as far as the medication is concerned, I can understand your irritation. You need to realize though that by choosing to muck around with the medication like you did, you compounded the problem. It would be better if you'd decided to prove to the doctor, and to your parents, that you can be responsible for your own medicine by setting up a reminder system (alarm clock) and/or a pillbox system.

i agree with gbollard.

Well, I never intended to harm other people intentionally....I suppose in some half-assed way, I assumed that if they got sick from the tongue depressor, they'd sue my doctor, thus making him lose his liscence. That was my original intention.

But I guess that's why anger/wrath is one of the Seven Deadly Sins...because it makes you do things you later regret.

But to all who've responded, I have an update to the situation: no less then 24 hours after that incident, I let slip to my therapist that I did that disgusting act, and he....WIGGED OUT!! He said he had no choice but to call the hospital where I got that checkup to inform my doctor. That exam room had to be sterilized and all the depressors had to be thrown out, which in a way, I'm glad...because like I said, I never wanted to get innocent people involved.

My doctor though...or should I now say, my EX-doctor, I couldn't care less about him: I take one look at him, and all I can see is George Costanza from 'Seinfeld' (because there is a resemblance}. I just can't take him seriously...

I also had to have blood work done that same day of my confession, because if I had any kind of AIDS or hepatitis B, I could've faced a LAWSUIT! But thankfully, when one has been a virgin almost all his life, with ZERO drug and alcohol use, those results come up negative, as mine did.

Gosh, this is getting long...but in conclusion, I got what I wanted: to not have that g.d. goofy looking doctor and his g.d. Hippocratic Oath (hmph, HypoCRITIC is more like it!} in my life anymore.

Grats on facing your problems like an adult.

At least you got what you wanted, huh?

Well, according to the character Brandon Whittier from the Palahniuk novel 'Haunted', whether the actions you take are right or wrong in society's eyes, you're automatically right in your OWN eyes.

Sure, I've embarrassed and humiliated my parents, because both of them happen to WORK at that very same hospital, and have to face those doctors on a regular basis; and sure, now it will be virtually impossible for me to find another doctor who'll take me, because barely ANY Maine doctors will accept MaineCare insurance patients...

...but at least I was true to myself...

*sighs* alright viska, to be honest with you, I'm not happy. I'm not a man...I'm a 35-year old boy. But I'm not alone...because I can say, with just about 96% certainty...

MEN...*NEVER*...MATURE!

I'm glad you confessed. I hope you did it for the right reasons, but I'm assuming not, since you seem surprised at the actions they took. You should have called the hospital (annomiously would have been better than nothing) and told them.

If this were the case, a lawsuit would have been the lesser of your concerns. Ever heard of attempted murder?

Usagi1992,

Confessing was a very courageous thing to do.

Well done.

It wasn't courageous, he only confessed so he could get the doctor out of his life. He obviously feels no remorse about the action at all, read his previous posts.

But at least he was "true to himself" by defecating/ejaculating/bleeding on the tounge depressor. Give me a break. Your actions are indefensible, there is absolutely no good reason to have done what you did.

Your novel quote and your "true to yourself" defense can be used to defend ANYTHING, even killing another person. So they mean nothing.

are you sure...



and



sounds a bit remorseful to me.

So..er... what exactly did you do?

What "effort" reguires "wiping" and would not be immediately noticable to anyone entering the room...? If you can't figure it out, I'm still not going to say it.