My life is an effin' mess

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Ulgh, I just feel like a freaking mess. There are so many thoughts and feelings going on inside on my mind. I am booking a trip to Brussels for this weekend with my boyfriend but all I've done this weekend is cry. Right now I am crying as well.
I just don't know what is wrong with my. My life feels so heavy right now and when I look to the future I get scared. My internship (clinical psychologist) just makes me anxious. I have 4 days of internship where I have to do intakes, treatments, meetings, etc. under supervision of other colleagues. I feel so tiny, tense and insecure when I am there. I already start to worry and tense up on Monday, thinking about the next days. Getting feedback from older, more experienced colleagues, being watched and judged all the time, having to socialize with colleagues, not know what is expected of me, all those implicit expectations that I know people have of me, but that I don't know if I am fulfilling. I honestly feel like a am going crazy. While I am booking the trip to Brussels right now I am suddenly thinking...I love him but am so afraid he won't love me anymore...I don't deserve him... he is so normal and has got his life on point...he is developing... The realization strikes me and I feel miserable...and I am crying right now. I also feel like a weak overweight pig.

The whole weekend I cried about my life... about how everything about it that's wrong... about maybe finally getting a diagnosis and all the consequences that this would have for me. That it will cost me more than 500 dollars, that I still might not get the proper diagnosis since women on the autism spectrum are quite often not properly diagnosed. That I don't want the diagnostician to think: 'she looks cool, talks normally, makes regular eye-contact, seems pretty intelligent and accomplished so she can't be autistic'. I don't want to be diagnosed with a personality disorder which I might not have... I don't want to be diagnosed with depression only, when autism is really the perpetrator. And at the same time I know that I might in fact not have autism... that it all might just be a self-fulfilling loop for me. Thus I am also very confused with myself and my own thoughts. I have to keep my mind open and clear, but at the same time I am so afraid of getting the wrong diagnosis. Does anyone understand this or faced similar issues? And also... I am studying to become a psychologist myself. It feels so crazy weird to be getting a diagnosis. What if meet people there as a client that I might be working with later? What if there are people working there that know my name? How will it reduce my chances of getting a job later, regardless of diagnosis? What if I am on the autistic spectrum? What does that mean for my future, for my career, my relationships. These are all issues all buzzing around in my mind.

What am I going to do with my life? Nobody, no matter how close, knows how afraid and depressed I often feel on the inside. Not my mom, not my boyfriend. They don't have any idea of the gravity of my complaints. I want to tell them on the one hand, but feel reluctant to do so on the other because I know they cannot help me, and will only feel worse themselves. My boyfriend might even ditch me eventually.

And then tomorrow I have to go to my internship again, do so many scary things, be social and talk enough and normal enough with my colleagues. I this is just the internship, how am I ever going to survive the 'real' working life? I am feeling it as I am typing this story. Tomorrow is getting closer and closer...

Since I was a little girl I just wished for a normal life, where I would meet someone great some day and get married, have children. This dream seems so unreal to me. I feel like a poorly functioning human being. I don't feel good in my skin, in my life. I have very low confidence.
I feel horrible at my internship, incredibly tense and insecure, especially when I am about to get feedback, or have gotten feedback and have to do it good the next time. I get semi-blackouts because of the pressure.. and this is just a snippet of adult working psychologist life. I feel that I am not functioning properly I don't want to go there tomorrow... but I need to do this to get my masters degree. And I would also greatly disappoint my mom and everyone around me if I didn't finish this. I would be completely clueless what to do next, even though I kind of feel clueless already...

I feel so lost, so trapped... and awful about me life. Nobody close to me really knows what I am going though... The future looks so dark to me... I don't know what's wrong with me.

There's nothing wrong with you, Cafe Au Lait. This is what everybody goes through when they are embarking on such an important thing as an internship. It is "normal" to feel anxious in general, and anxious about your future in particular.

What I would do: take stock of what you've learned so far. Incorporate the observations you've made about people throughout your life into what you will do in the internship. Listen to the feedback offered.

Again, I can understand the anxiety. It's not an uncommon thing at all. Do you have fellow students whom you could talk to? How about your boyfriend?

I'm thinking: maybe reading about somebody else in your situation might help. Google: "What people go through in the psychology major" or something like that.

Thanks for your reply kraftie. Thing is, what i am feeling feels much heavier than what the verage student goes through. I've spoken about it with my boyfriend and he tells me i am have good qualities to become a psychologist, feedback is all just part of it, i should take the contact more lightly etc. But how?
To me it just so extremely stressful. I was in a meeting with other students my age also doing the internship right now, but when aked how they felt about the internship they all said they still liked it. Way different from what I am experiencing. I thought there would be at least 1 person to say they didn't feel a good about their internship but no, not so. I hope I will get a proper job some day.

To be honest, in my experience, I find that many don't want to reveal that they are overwhelmed when they are overwhelmed.

I have been overwhelmed while I was in university. I never admitted it to anyone, though. I did okay once I got through the initial period of being overwhelmed.

Perhaps it's out of embarrassment--perhaps it's out of a need not to think negative thoughts, that people don't want to admit to others that they are overwhelmed. Perhaps they even deny it to themselves.

I really, strongly, believe this to be the case.

When do the internships start?

Please note that I find your feelings to be valid--and just about inevitable.

I really want you to be successful in this.

I'm virtually positive that you could be a success. You've done the work so far.

Do you happen to see a therapist? There's no shame in this.

My mother is a psychoanalyst---and she's relied on her therapist for years!

Thanks for your replies kraftiekortie. I am going to see a therapist soon I hope. I need to do something about it because I feel so stressed and anxious that I regularly can't sleep. Like today I virtually had no sleep, probably because of unconscious stress.
And the internship started this september

Have you gotten much feedback yet as to your performance?

I suggesting making it top priority to see a therapist.
Many people in their 20s pursuing education and career like you have similar feelings of low confidence, insecure, not knowing what to do, lack of control feeling.
It really helps to see a therapist regularly, I think.
Many people at my school visit counseling center regularly, because they are stressed and feel like they are not good enough.

Are things getting better for you? Do you feel better?

Cafeaulait, hope you are hanging in there. Hope you are getting hooked up with a therapist. I know one lady who got a Ph.D. in clinical psychology, and went on to get a faculty position at a good university. When I was congratulating her on her success, she confided that her first year in grad school, she cried every single day. That blew me away, because I thought she was having smooth sailing.

I won't say that's the universal experience, but I do think you can succeed if you just hang in there and keep trying. And as a clinical psychologist who also experiences autism and depression, you will be a more valuable ally to your patients (clients), if that is the direction you choose to go.

Please check back in here and update us.

I am sorry to know what you are feeling. You seem to be anxious. Anxiety can cause bad thoughts to take over your thought process. Try to talk to a therapist about your feelings. Maybe that will help.

I hope you are feeling better now! Good luck on your internship!