im sorry please help

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i find it difficult to talk about things in an organised way so i apologise for the rambling. Everything is so chaotic i dont know what to do.
Ive been living in my own flat now for a year and a halfish. Im a female, 24 years old. During that time i have been sexually assaulted, threatened, got addicted to heroin briefly, and am still mentally addicted to any drug that settles my nerves. I drink too much also. Im in debt. I have outreach support workers see me every day but half the time im too scared or too stone dead apathetic to engage with them. I just dont see the point. My emotions when they hit me frighten me. I know i sound like a teenager but im filled with pain alot of the time. Life is sometimes agony for me. I live in a bad area thats corrupt with drugs and braindead bullies.
I lost my virginity quite late at age 23 but have since then been taken advange of or abused by a number of men.

I have no real friends just druggie associates. I am hollow and have no soul. I feel like ive lost something and im not a real person anymore.
I have been diagnosed with GAD, social phobia and depression.(and aspergers).
I am starting paxil next week as my social anxiety is absolutly crippling. I dont take care of my flat. I abuse myself. Ive been thinking of committing suicide by wearing wet clothes in cold weather at night where no one will find me. I am planning on smoking heroin to make the process more comfortable.Basically, hyperthermia i had to choose as i cant OD on heroin as other people always injected me and my veins are difficult to hit anyway.
Im so lonely and i truly hate myself. I want things to grow and heal somehow desperatly but i just cant see it.
How can i change things? Im so confused by everything thats happened sometimes i just cry and scream and self harm.

My social worker and support workers etc are thinking maybe try residential care again. I just dont know. Im not coping.
Sorry for whinging but these are just the sad pathetic facts of my life.
I hope to find a network of people here that might understand. I need help.
Sorry if i posted this in the wrong category.

Hi bedraggled,

A new year is a chance for a fresh start.

Please know that you're in my thoughts and prayers ...

Hello bedraggled, this is exactly the forum to post this in so no worries there!

First, I'd like you to know that there are many people on this forum myself included that are willing to help and hoping you find a way toward a better life for yourself. Life can be overwhelming sometimes particularly when we are at our lowest point. In looking at what you've posted I see three big areas that you might tackle in order to improve your life. The first is your environment, both where you live and how well you take care of it. From what you described you live in a bad neighborhood and it might be a good idea to find somewhere else to live. Being around a drug culture when you have/had a drug problem is usually not a good thing and the last thing you want is a relapse. As far as taking care of your apartment it may be a good idea to set up a cleaning schedule and following it until it becomes a habit. This has also been a pain point for me as I hate cleaning.

The second area involves your social anxiety. Are the support workers you're dealing with there to help with your social anxiety issues? If so you may want to start asking them their interests as well as see if they know of any particular social exercises that can make you more comfortable with talking to people. It seems you're already going to be taking a prescription to help with it as well so don't be discouraged if it doesn't work immediately. Many of those drugs take a month or more to build up enough in your system to have an effect. If the social workers are not well trained in that sort of thing you might try looking for social support groups within your area.

The final area I see involves who you interact with. Ditch the druggies and find some people on here and in your area that share your interests. The idea is to come up with a regularly scheduled meet up or some such to enjoy said interests and give you something to focus on while you are working on getting other things straightened out.

I hope that you will be able to overcome this downturn in your life and want you to know that we are here for you.

Don't think it's the wrong category.

24 is not especially late for an aspie.

May I suggest you step back and look at your whole life as a mess that you need to escape? I really think repairing your 'cage' is too big of a job in your current state. Unless you can find some real help, of course.
When I need help, I usually find what I call 'non-help'. People there willing to blah-blah-blah, but nothing actually changes. If you don't have any real help, then you may really need to start over.
I know moving is expensive and that may already make you think you can't, but try a mental trick I use when I am desperate to escape my life:

If you are at a point when you are really willing to die, then what do you have to lose? You could die by some sudden, deliberate means, or you could pack a small backpack and just start walking. (Don't do this while your cold winter is going, I am trying to engineer a chance for you, not a horrible end!)
Or you could make some other totally drastic change - sell everything you own and move to anywhere you might find a job. You may find that is extreme, but it's less extreme than dying.
You can always kill yourself later.
You have to break out of the mess you are in. You can't un-screw anyone so as bad as those episodes may make you feel, you have to try to move on from them in some way.
I recognise the desire to go out in the cold to die. I feel so low and unloved and worthless sometimes that I feel like lying on the ground outside and never getting up. Sometimes I want to dig a hole with my bare hands and lie in it and stay there. I am guessing it is the same for you.

There are studies in drug addiction that indicate that it is less of a physical thing and more of a product of the environment you are in. (i.e. your 'cage') (because mice in a happy cage avoided the drug water in favour of undrugged water, even if they came from a drugged-water only, boring, unhappy cage)
This study showed that a good environment was usually enough for mice to choose to not take drugs, even if they were already addicted, but a bad environment resulted in mice choosing drugs.

The point I am making, probably badly, is that you have nothing to lose. CHANGE YOUR LIFE in ANY way you can. It may get better, but it can hardly get worse. You might start to really have a drug problem if you don't do something.

My 'trick' is that when I am only considering the most extreme solution, then start exploring slightly less extreme solutions, and work my way down until I find something I am willing to do. I can always kill myself later.
So if I suicide, and make my kids suffer, then maybe I'll just walk away. I still escape the mess, and make my kids suffer, but maybe someday I can return. Then if I am willing to do that, maybe I should just sell my house - after all, if I walk away, they will lose it anyway. Then I can pay my debt, divorce my husband, start over. And my kids don't have to suffer so much. If I am really willing to kill myself, then sell my house instead. If it does not work out, I can still kill myself later. But I have given myself a chance.

Maybe the residential care is a good temporary step?

Sorry. I used to be good at crafting a coherent post, but lately I feel so disjointed, I fear my posts are not clear.

I'm thinking that residential care might be to your benefit at this point.

I think there still is health with you. I feel this way because you seem to know that you aren't making good choices. You know the drug people aren't good for you.

You have a long life ahead of you. You can do many good things. You could try to be on your own again after you take your rest in residential care.

Do you have supportive relatives whom you could call for moral support?

Yes i do luckily,have family, but they have very little understanding of my problems or even just me as a person. They try their best.I'm a bit of a nightmare to be fair. Thank you all for your replies, i agree kraftiekortie residential care might be my best bet. The process is just agonisingly slow.

If you need to wait for residential care, is there any respite for a few days you can go to?

Not really, unless i freak out and get myself sectioned again. Thanks for trying to help though

You write: "I am hollow and have no soul."

A German philosopher once said that depth starts at the surface. So dont be afraid of feeling like that. Try out different things and dare to express yourself in a ephemeral way. As an Asperger you probably have missed some of the role play neurotypic children do to develop their personality; many Aspergers do that later and through different means. Value the little relations and the short encounters you have, even if you cant contribute much for the moment. There is a good chance that things will change over time. Quite a lot of older Aspergers say that they struggled a lot when younger and that they feel much better now.

I wish you all the best.