What hope is there?

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I feel so cold, so alone. I have lost the ability to feel happy. Any sense of belonging, of meaning, ends up being fleeting. I am able to function superficially, but it doesn't actually mean anything. I feel dead inside.

Surprisingly, it is probably not really depression. I am depressed, but there are other psychoses which better explain what I am going through. I think I am better characterized by Narcissistic Personality Disorder or Borderline Personality Disorder, with my mood following a pattern similar to bipolar depression. I know what got me to this point. Though going over my subjective perspective leading up to my condition now is not advisable on a public forum.

I think I am finally giving up hope of a certain person getting back to me. Though all that means is I have no f*****g delusion to fall back on to try to comfort myself. Not that she really would be able to help me that much.

I usually keep trying to keep going, just I keep on getting more and more tired of life. I am not sure where my breaking point is, just it can't really be that far off. Though I still have plenty of self control, it ends up redirecting a lot of my outward despair and anger inward.

Anyway, no reason to go on like a broken record. Not even sure what I should be looking for.

Praying that this New Year will bring a brand new start of many good things for you.

<hugs> What you should look for are the things that bring peace.