The Aftermath, Additional Support

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This is a continuation of this thread - http://wrongplanet.net/forums/viewtopic.php?t=303400

The point of the new thread is to remove the suicide overtones on that thread that others may find offensive, I was not in a right frame of mind when I made any of those posts but I still feel the need to seek support. First off, I lost a friend and if anything that would make me more suicidal but I don't know how much I was really suicidal as much as having the meltdown from hell while high off every conceivable drug in my apartment building. I would like to express great sadness over my inability to keep friends, I really do want them and I try very had to make and maintain them but I just get told off like I was yesterday. For the member that doesn't want anything to do with me, I don't want you to feel bad for ditching me, I deserve it but I just feel like I get socially blind sided. You never stated that was boundary and now that I know I would respect it, regardless though, I also respect your decision.

I just feel like I would be better off dead but thats not to say I am suicidal, I just feel like I don't belong even with my own kind. I don't have anything against anyone here, I just want to be like everyone else. I had a meltdown and I didn't know how to handle the situation, it wasn't my goal to lose friends. I went emotional on my drug dealer when I getting high and he asked me if I sabotage my relationships and I guess I do but I don't mean to, I generally try and be chill around others, I just don't know how. Of course his advice might not be one I should listen to since he tried to sell me various means to kill myself with last night and even encouraged me to do it. Even agreed to help me do it if I paid him so yeah I don't know.

I feel I have ruined three different relationships this week end and all I try to do is love everyone, how can I be so off course from my intention. Please comment and show me you care, I know I seem full of drama but even a I hear you will do, I am lonely and I fear I am becoming completely non verbal...

I think my isolation has because isolation+nonverbal+self harm. I miss all the friends I lost, if anyone reads this that knew me from church or knows me online, please recognize all the times I have cried for you.

I hear you.
I wish you would stop tormenting yourself.

I hear you. "Can you hear me now? Hear me now!"

I am sorry you lost a friend (and that you're struggling to keep friends). I read your post last night and I am glad you were able to calm down enough to not go through with it.

I too have lost close friends and was often left baffled by their departure. I have also had trouble keeping friends. The only advice I can give is for you to go into deep analyses as for why these relationships continue to fail. It may be that you're picking the wrong people to be friends with, or you may be missing the signs that you're doing things that irritate them. Sometimes it helps to observe the people you don't like (or that a lot of other people don't like), and figure out which of their actions stir up these emotions. Gather a variety of data in this manner, and then compare the actions against your own to see if any of them align.

I'm glad to hear you made it through and that you are of more sound mind.

Losing a friend is never easy, nor bearable at times. I think we can all attest to that. You're not alone in this. What you're feeling is real and valid, don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Of course I can't tell you what to do, or how to live your life, I can only support you. However I would like to mention that you cannot give what you do not have. How can you "love everyone" if you don't love yourself? You're worthy of love from within, and love from other people. Speaking from experience, when I learned to truly love myself, it didn't feel as bad that I was lacking friends. The desire to have them was still there of course, but the feeling of lack was far less detrimental to my wellbeing.

I really hope that things start to look up for you. Im here if you ever need anything.

I see what you did there, I guess sometimes we never change and stay the same and since I am a low life drug addict; I guess I'll always be a low life drug addict.



My sound mind consist of thinking in two to three word sentences as of right now, something got me totally wasted last night and I am not sure what it was but it was the first time I took haldol so that maybe it. I also made what I predict is a horrible mistake in that I sent these last few threads to my therapist which I imagine is going to go over real well since most of the drugs I abused where the drugs prescribed me. I will lost my s**t if they want me to come in everyday to get meds, I have better things to do with my time and can't afford the bus that much anyway. I suppose I don't love myself, if I loved myself I would not being doing this insane crap. I am so tired of drama and that is why I am not talking to anyone, yogiB1, congratulations, your the exception. I'll talk to you but everyone else I am going to become non verbal too. I admit its for selfish reasons, if I can get you to teach me ASL than I'll just start introduce myself as mute. You are the last person I'll attempt to be friends with.

I've never had a drug problem. My past has been very rough. I'm not going to say it out in the open though.

One song that means a lot to me is "We Are". I'm a very broken person at heart. So many people have been not very nice to me. I've gotten picked on about almost everything from my hair, my taste in music and even video games and the book series I'm trying to write (which was inspired by my music taste). So I'm considering getting the lyric "Built from broken parts" as one of my tattoos (I don't have any right now out of respect for some of my family but maybe one day). Life sucks sometimes but we have to remember that no matter how screwed up or broken we feel, we have to take all of those broken pieces and glue them back together.

Yep....that's the key---either gluing back your old parts---or creating new parts for yourself!

I listened to it, its good but remember those over my mental health is going to be reading these threads so lets tame the hollywood undead references least they lock me up for real

Having said that I feel like I need new parts, I've been trying to avoid drama cause I admit it follows me around. Thats why I am becoming nonverbal, I don't know whats right and wrong evidently but I don't have to worry about it if people think I am imbecile. I don't mean to use offensive language but its how I feel, I'll listen to what my therapist has to say later this week but she and no one else can force me to talk and I am pretty sure they can't legally detain me for refusing to talk. They'll either learn to accept it or I find another clinic, outside of my clinic there is virtually no reason for me to ever risk opening my mouth.

You know as far as music goes, there is song thats pretty bad actually from Brett Dennen that sums up my feelings nicely. Its not a genre I really like but he sings chaos and commotion wherever I go, love I try to follow in his song Ain't No Reason. I don't think a song can further describe how I feel and why I am choosing to not talk for the rest of my life.

Sometimes I wonder why I even open my mouth. I'm super outgoing and social.People don't seem to care what I have to say or talk about. That's why I love forums so much. There's plenty of people to talk to. I hardly leave the house because I still live with my mom, brother and cats and I live in an area where there isn't much opportunity for social interaction.

Ugh

I know I shouldn't and I told myself I wasn't going back on drugs but I am struggling with wanting to get high again. I can't get a hold of my supplier and its driving me nuts. I know I shouldn't but I am just losing my mind right now and I feel I need something to get through.