Why do I even exist?

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I hate myself. Before I was born, I feel God dropped me on my head, causing this dreaded Asperger's. I hate that I have meltdowns like a 3 y/o, and a brain like one. All I want is to be normal, unfortunately, that ship has sailed.

I don't feel like I fit in anywhere with other people, even those with autism. I can't even have a decent marriage; I have been arguing with my AS husband a lot lately, and a lot of it has to do with my meds. He says he still loves me, because he went through the same thing, but I think he can do much better, with a more attractive woman who is more calm and carefree, something I rarely am anymore.

Some days, I feel like the world is better off without me. Let's face it: I can't change or impact the world in any way, therefore I am useless. On some bad nights, before I go to bed, I pray that I die in my sleep because I no longer appreciate myself or my anger. If I could permanently erase one of my emotions, it would be anger, because it has done nothing but ruin my life. I wish I could take back all the bad things I've done in life, but it can't happen, so now I am stuck with the many dumb mistakes (including myself) I've made in my life.

TL;DR I suck at life. Period.

I just wish you could erase all the mistakes from your life...think of them as a learning experience....and start anew, with a clean slate.

I pretty much did that when I turned 18. My life (while not nearly perfect, and full of hassles) was much better after 18 than before 18. I put all the crap I experienced (and there was lots of crap!) behind me.

I don't happen to believe there is a "reason" for me to exist. I'm not philosophical that way. One just has to make the best of one's life.

What's the point in that when I will start feeling unhappy again? Obviously, I am good at hurting other's feelings, including my husband's. Face it, I may never become happy again, and I really wish I didn't exist. End of story.

I am sorry you're sad.

Have you ever been able to be happy?

I just think you're going through some stuff now.

Your husband, obviously, thinks you're valuable. Why else would he have married you?

I wish there was a way to offer you a different perspective on life, while you believe in what's offered.

WC, you seem to be feeling despair. We've all felt this way. Eventually, we've all gotten through it. That's the hard part - getting through it. The tears won't come easy, and when they finally do, they won't stop. The aching in body and soul. The darkness that seems to suffocate slowly.

It just plain hurts!

I find relief in reading, in playing games, in walking the neighborhood, in sleeping. My wife is also a great comfort - sometimes just being in the same room with her is enough. Prayer also helps, even if I just moan, sob, and say "God" over and over.

You're a good person. So is Seth. You two care about each other, and that's important. Please stay with us - both of you. Those of us who pray will be praying for you. Those who are not so religious will still be thinking good thoughts for you. We want you to feel better, and we hope that it happens soon.

Best wishes,

Fnord

Fnord certainly doesn't suffer fools.

If Fnord likes you, you're probably likeable....and if he thinks you're worthy, you're probably worthy.

I have been happier in the past, until I changed medications. Although I still have my good days, I still feel down every once in a while. I try to calm myself by playing video games, reading, playing with my cats, and talking to my husband and family members.

I also have more bad memories than good, unfortunately. I grew up with an abusive father, got arrested 14 years ago for disturbing the peace (though I was released that night), once pushed my mom down the stairs during an argument with her, got suspended multiple times in 7th grade, threatened my e-commerce teacher and her family, threatened my brother with a gun, texted an ex-coworker to "eat a d***" after she stole a boy who I had a crush on, attempted suicide twice, can't hold a damn job (let alone get one), had a meltdown at the zoo after they refused to let me on the train there, the list goes on...

... but that's all in the past, isn't it?

My past is similar to yours, and I'm likely much older. Life can get better.

Yes, but I can't seem to let some of these memories go, which is one of my biggest flaws. What is wrong with me!?

As you know, there are no quick fixes.

But there are solutions.

Having an objective therapist, to me, would benefit you. You can talk objectively about things. He/she can offer objective solutions.

I've been there,during a severe depression I wished I would die in my sleep.I was disappointed every morning when I woke up and was still here.The medication eventually helped but it takes time,this didn't happen overnight and it won't go away overnight.Its hard to be patient when you want to feel better.
Happiness never lasts,it goes away, but it can come back.
If you feed one hungry animal you have made a difference.Even just a kind word to somebody else who is down makes a difference in their life.
It's hard to not dwell on past mistakes,we have all made them and we all mull over them.I spent years thinking of all the stupid things I have done,but all that worry won't change the past.
I found meditation to be helpful to quiet the mind.
You are a sweet person,be kind to yourself.

In the past I was very hard on myself, I was my own worst enemy, I wish I wasn't born, I wanted bad things to happen to me, I felt unlikable, I even wish when my mom was pregnant with me, she would had a miscarriage. I thought the world would be better without me too. So I know what you are feeling. You can PM me to talk if you want. I was more happier with my mom, my first cat & our dog.

I can relate to this. My mom would often wish I would stop beating myself up over every bad mistake I made, basically forcing me to be a "Stepford Smiler". I wish she would know that I can't always feel happy like magic.

I had to take a stuffed animal to bed with me last night (something I hadn't done in a while) because I still felt sad about what happened and I wanted something to cuddle and make me feel better. My husband didn't mind; he used to cuddle with an autism Build-A-Bear and Shamu doll in the past.

I used to cuddle with a doll Santa.

Making errors in our lives is what make us human. Along with education, both act as a medium for change in which we develop ourselves and start to understand the pathway we all must undertake in order to succeed in life. The notion that we must mistakes in order to learn is certainly no platitude! If we make a mistake in our life, and that mistake enabled us to gain insight and learn about what went wrong, that mistake was necessary.