Depressed

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Wife left me at weekend feeling very depressed, It's been a while coming but it is still hard.

Not coping with things too well broke down in front of the kids when they kept asking where mummy was.

Just want to hide in a dark room atm but can't.

I'm really sorry to hear that

That's got to be so hard for you, especially with the kids.

I know the feeling of wanting to just hide somewhere, but being unable to. When you have kids, that just isn't an option.

Would you like to talk about what happened or is it too personal?

What information did you give to the kids about what has happened, what is happening, and what might happen in the future? What did your wife say to them before leaving?

Children, even very small ones, can stand the truth (including a father that has problems with coping, that breaks down and needs to hide in a dark room, insecurities), but they cant stand very well when information is hidden from them, in particular if they are maybe on the spectrum themselves.

I'm so sorry to hear that. My husband dumped me five years ago - I know how much it hurts.

I can't imagine having to care for children, on top of dealing with your own emotions. But perhaps they give you a sense of purpose, and a reason to keep going (which I didn't have). Still, I understand the desire to just 'hide in a dark room', and I wish you had that luxury. It's awful when you have to be strong, because there simply is no other option.

Wishing you strength and courage through this difficult transition.

This happened to me last year. I was suicidal for a couple of months afterwards, I guess I then found some sort of determination to carry on in a "I'll show you" kind of way, only to be followed by a serious knock back in terms of finances and all sorts of other problems mounting up since which have, I suppose, acted as a distraction from the pain of being rejected.
I'm probably supposed to say that it gets better, I can't say that it has, yet, but it's still early days. I've just got to stick around to find out what happens. My youngest shares some of my HFA traits, so at least I have someone that understands.

@Yigeren - It boils down to the fact she can't cope with me and my tenancies to have no emotion and not communicating. Not that she's great at communication though. My outbursts have not helped in the slightest either. We were together for 17 years I think it's been brewing as they say for quite a while. Also I have bonding issues with my youngest it's just not clicked between us I know that's my fault but this situation is not going to help and it's 1 of the reasons she has left. He's very shy and won't go to anyone as a baby he cried when I held him from the start. He has started to come to me now though and this is just going to ruin things.

@evam - I just answered there questions honestly and said she is living with nana. In the future I have no clue at the moment but I just want to be there for my kids. I am not sure she actually told them anything I guess I best ask her.

@ashariel - Well I am only caring for 2 of them she took the youngest with her (he's 2) we are still working out arrangements but she is living with her mum and only has 1 bedroom.

@lostproperty - I have been getting suicidal thoughts but not sure if it's my medication my mood is all over the place. I couldn't even come back to this thread yesterday.

I have decided to remove all evidence of her from the house so I don't get reminders and finally put things how I want them in the house. Also going to do some decorating to keep me busy.

I remembered to take my meds properly (Pregabalin) they are used to treat anxiety so feeling a lot calmer today. I am actually taking them for neuropathic pain though its one of them multi purpose medications but handy at the moment.

Thanks all for the support.

You are doing very well if you are focusing on the children. It's hard, but that's most important and you are being responsible.

Many in your position do not do the right thing. Just keep on trying.

How about if you tell her you love her, you need her, and ask her to please come back?

Damn man. I'm really sorry to hear that. I wish I had something comforting to say, but I don't think there's any such thing. I've been really close to having to get a divorce with my wife a few times over the last year for very similar issues you explained such as outbursts and emotional coldness. I fear she is going to leave me all of the time and would have no idea (well I have a few- none at all good in the slightest) about what I'd do.

This world can be a really, really f****d up place sometimes.

I have no experience on the matter, so all I can do is offer my condolences and hope it all works out for the best for you and your children.

Suicidal thoughts are very common when people with Aspergers have to deal with separation. They pass in the big majority of the cases. They could have also passed in the rest of the cases, had the people around behaved differently.

It is a good idea to share your problems here, in particular with people who have gone through the same. I guess that is much more helpful than anything else. I would nevertheless like to add my NT view on why it is so much more difficult for many Aspergers than for non-Aspergers to be left by a partner:

1. We see it coming and understand better why the relationship did not work and how it collapsed. This does not mean that we are not lovesick, too, and have problems with adapting our feelings, but we do a bigger part of the grief and the adaption of our feelings before the separation takes officially place, already in the period when the partner takes his distance; actually in a NT-NT relationship it is always more or less both partners as we respond to distanciation by distancing ourselves. In an Aspie relationship the distanciation is more like vacillating between the extremes, and a much less steady process.

2. For Aspergers, the marriage or partnership is making up for a functional parent-child relationship, but also all other relationships that havnt been lived in full.

3. There is also something like a more general trust issue involved: NTs understand the power of the social better and are more aware of the possible benefits of small or indirect relationships with others, so they are less concerned when a relationship breaks, they consider one relationship more like being part of a big network of relationships. For Aspergers instead, their partnership appears more the one and only relationship than it actually is.

Hope it helps a bit to know that.

Oh no! How can Jedi Master Tifa help Vivi-ZD? [Do you like your nickname?] Lots of love from me!

Evam, just wanted to say you described my (Aspie) feelings about my own breakup perfectly. Thank you for that.

Thanks Kura it means alot.

And YES I get the nickname not sure everyone will

I nearly didn't but I am glad I did you are all been a great help I haven't even told my mother yet but we aren't close anyway.



This sums up exactly what happened with me. I knew before she did.



I only had her for years took her getting pregnant to make me realise I had distanced the only close friends I ever had (happened at high school) I am back in contact with them now. I have only told 1 of them (only have 3 close friends) he wanted to come round last weekend but I couldn't deal with it, need to get my head together on my own I think. But I know he will come round if I need someone to talk to.



My social skill are pretty crap a lot better now compared to when I was younger but still not great. Your last sentence is what I did exactly for years as I said till she got pregnant and I realised I had no one to tell (I hadn't noticed there was no one else in my life before then).



It helps a lot thank you

She has decided to stay every Thursday night, that's the day we used to have sex. She has stayed over 3 times this week she slept on the sofa though, I said she can stay in the bed. She laughed today at a joke I made to my son after he said something.

All she says to me is concentrate on the kids.