It was a wonderful life !

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While there's no direct indication I'm going to die , it could happen any time , and the " collapse of my kidneys " quoted to me could indicate that , and my not-good walking - If I do die , I can look back on:
Even as a limited Aspie , a fulfilling life , with people who cared about me .
Reasonable security , with some things accomplished .
Relatives who cared about me .
A nice collection of " stuff " - even when I lost some , I got to keep some .
A nice home .
Fulfilling involvement . Some stuff accomplished .
Even with the limitations of being an Aspie , I can look back happily...
It was a wonderful Aspie life ! <SOB!>
I am being sadly ironic here ~ My life went downhill and downhill , and I am being sort-of urged toward the door here ~ I'm not supposed to " be a downer "

...I cried again when I re-read this just now ~ I can certainly pity myself ! (nobody - much - else will)

<hugs> Hold on to those good memories.

....I . WAS . BEING SARCASTIC/IRONIC .

It's hard to know what to say to this kind of post because unless you've been in, or are in this situation yourself, anything you can say will come across as pretty hollow. We're all going to reach this point though eventually with varying degrees of warning, some with none at all. Which way is best? I guess most would rather be taken by surprise, but speaking as an Aspie I've never liked surprises so maybe I'd appreciate some time to prepare myself. Who isn't afraid of the unknown? This is the greatest unknown there is, the greatest adventure. Ram Dass said it'll be like taking a tight shoe off. I hope I remember that when I'm on my way out. I don't want to be clinging on when it's really time to go, that'll be the time to slip out nice and easy.

...I don't want to die yet .
And , really briefly , this is an allusion to , certainly when I feel bad , to all that I MISSED in my life/never happened .

...I was rather alluding to the idea that , even within accepting limitations , my life didn't turn out to very much .
I mentioned my " stuff " disappearing ~ In fact , ALL of it did , not even the little bit I got back briefly stayed .
By later tears it was so that , with my horrible toe wounds , I took on being arrested and more or less tried to go back to jail (& did) to try & get some time off my feet for my wounds to heal and some money to get away (They didn't fully heal and I didn't get enough $ and connections to leave .) .
I had horrible cousins , who stole my percentage of an inheritance and kept me in the dark about their parents - my aunt and uncles' - deaths , just to be a**holes (& further steal from me , I guess) .
I could go on .

...I was rather imagining " what if my life had been a ' nice ' ' happy little Aspie/'ret*d * ' Hallmark Channel sort of life , fitting in , accepted , a " normal " life .

...I wasn't exactly " trained " in the manner (I imagine) AS are trained to-day , and the doctors/counselors/therapists Were Not Really My Friends .

...I didn't exactly get to " fit in " !
I was " smart enough " to occasionally subscribe to , generally read all of The New York Review Of Books and The New Yorker ~ but so f*****g what ?
Maybe I should have been " more simple " ?
Did I have a choice to ?

I think intelligence means something.

I think having the New York Times Review of Books would tide me over well should I be lonely.

Ain't no "so what" about intelligence.

I think I should preface with another bit of Ram Dass I heard from a friend that's really helped me recently - I'm paraphrasing since I remember it from a friends copy of one of his books: All a man truly needs for survival is breath & light.

I often remember that when I'm thinking I'm absolutely alone because I retain those two things. No one can take them from anyone.

It's imperative that you remember survival for you is not an impossibility. Of course I'm no nephrologist although as a programmer I was recently tapped to work around it in bioinformatics. As a field of medicine, dialysis & transplants are becoming more accessible by the day. The National Kidney Foundation has a charity arm and members in all 50 states if I had to guess. With enough will to live anything's possible. I hope others this Christmas can echo me here; what's worth doing isn't easy but it is a path of least resistance, what I see from you is a lot of resistance towards your illness. Don't just believe others will give you a chance; know!

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos

...To-day , I went out ~ I had myslf again corseted out in my metal backpack , since that does seem to help me walk some , going out (uphill) to a charity feed two blocks up exausted me yesterday:-( . I could have been tempted to stay in te shelter and lie down m even with my clothes rather dirty , but we hadto clear out --- and I did want to get to a computer key'd - and it was a long walk downhill .

...My clothes are minmal and cold ::-( . Dirty , too:-( .

...I never HAD ! my life ! Or so it might seem to me ...........