Tired of coping (rant/venting)

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I'm supposed to be getting ready to do my weekly grocery shopping right now. And in a couple of days I have to go out to some work that I have scheduled.

I'm finding myself lately less and less able to bear the thought of having to even leave my flat. It's taking an enormous act of will ---- more than usual -- to just get ready, and get out. I don't want to go anywhere. I don't want to do anything.

I think I'm burned out. I just want to stay in my own apartment, my own environment, and not have to deal with the outside world. I'm tired of everything.

I don't think I'm depressed even though this stuff closely resembles depression. But I'm still interested in things I'm interested in -- I just took up knitting and feel enthused about it. I'm in the middle of a mittens and scarf set and I'm enjoying it. I follow my favorite TV shows. I'm reading my books, I love to read. My biggest passion of all is the birds I go to visit at local ponds, and nothing keeps me away from doing that.

But just the act of having to go out even to that, makes me weary. If I had a backyard with pet swans of my own I would never leave home again, lol!

Actually I probably would because I have made friends with those pond birds and I would miss them if I just stopped going there.

But basically I'm sick of just "dealing with the outside world. "

It's not agoraphobia either, because I'm not afraid of going outside. I don't panic, get unwell, get scared, nothing like that. I'm just tired of dealing with weather, passers by, people who stop and chat, the act of passing through my building where I never know who is going to interact with me, and there is one person who doesn't like me so I never want to run into that person and deal with more interaction I have to steel myself for. I DEAL with it but I'm sick of having to deal with it.

I'm sick of going out to work for this one specific client with whom there is an awkward dynamic now. She's a difficult person who admitted even her own father told her she is a passive aggressive a-hole! She and I had a good dynamic until she got judgmental about my inability to cope with certain situations. I need to talk to her about it as things could be better if we cleared the air, but that's just it --- I'm so burned out and tired of ALL of the stuff that needs an effort from me, that I can't be bothered. I have no energy left for things that are challenging. I guess that really is burnout. I feel like I just want to be alone and not obligated to anyone or anything. I want to stay home forever. I can't do that but it's all I yearn for right now.

I'm sick of everything -- except I still enjoy the things I enjoy. I really mean I'm sick of all the other things. I have coped and forced myself for all my life, and now I feel like I can't do it anymore.

I don't know if I even want advice so much, by posting this. I maybe just need to get it off my chest. I'm really burning out. I've dealt and dealt and dealt with things I don't like dealing with and lately suddenly I feel dangerously close to just not even being able to force myself to keep dealing anymore.

I hear ya. Occasionally I want to crawl under a rock and go to sleep for a couple of years. Like you say, I don't necessarily feel depressed when I get in those moods, it's more that I wish there was off switch, either for me or the world and its never-ending stream of crap.

That's exactly it Lockheart, yes. It's a relief to know I'm not the only one who feels this way, although I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Yes, it's like I'm not truly depressed but I'm just sick and tired of "out there." The world out there and coping with it. Thank you for hearing me and knowing what I mean.

This is so eerily similar to my own thought process at the prospect of leaving home that I could have written it myself, except that the weather doesn't bother me so much. I still go, because my conscientious nature overrides my dread - and I am also determined not to let my feelings trap me at home - but it can be a huge effort sometimes. My home is my sanctuary, where I don't have to deal with other people and things are predictable. I can relax.

That was really brought home to me a couple of weeks ago when my neighbour jumped the fence into my private courtyard, chasing after his wayward cat. I was completely freaked out. It took hours for my heart rate to return to normal and for my nerves to stop vibrating. I told him to please knock on the door first if that ever happened again. Having an unexpected caller would be annoying, but not nearly as intrusive as suddenly having a stranger appear in my territory.

Have you ever been diagnosed with anxiety, BirdInFlight? I think I've had it for most of my life.

I haven't been diagnosed with anxiety, no, but I do feel anxiety as I suppose part of my Asperger's -- I totally relate to your shock at the neighbor jumping over the fence.

When I was a child, even a planned intrusion into my space upset me deeply. One time, when I was maybe 10 or 11, we had to have work done to a water heater tank that happened to be in my bedroom. My room to me was my sanctuary, my safe ad quiet place to be, with all my things just-so. When this plumber was scheduled to be in my room to work on the heater tank, it felt like just about the most traumatic event I could imagine! Because my sanctuary was going to be intruded upon by a stranger, and I had no control over that.

I think people on the autism spectrum very much find it important to have control over at least some element of their environment because the world generally feels intrusive already and there are already too many unpredictable things we have to take in our stride without an ability to control them.

I was so anxious my mother had to sit with me in my room while the man did his work. I think I wanted to stand guard and "protect" my room even though rationally I knew the man wasn't going to harm anything. But I just needed to be there.

Looking back, how awful for that man! He must have thought this kid and her mother were weirdos -- sitting on the bed watching him anxiously, well, me anxious, my mum trying to keep me calm.

About going out into the world -- I still do because I have to, I have to shop, work, and my hobby is an outdoors one. Nothing's going to stop me from still leaving my apartment, but I'm so tired of the world out there. I think I'm not so much anxious as fed up with dealing with how annoying everything is out there.

I just want to comment on the passive-aggressive a-hole. That kind of person drains you in ways you don't even realize. I was married to one, and I've worked with some. They suck all the life out of you.

So I would advise avoiding working or being around someone like that.

BeaArthur, I think you are so very correct about that. I do suspect that that particular person is really coloring my life in ways I don't even realize, even to the extent where I might even find that if I remove her from my life, there might be an improvement in all kinds of other ways too. I'm strongly suspecting that more and more.

Thanks for the lense on this as it's very helpful.