Another year of my life passed by.

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I turned 37 last Sunday.

Strange, when I was a child, I thought I would be much further along in my life than I am currently at now.

I still am undereducated. I still am physically out-of-shape. I still am an alcoholic. I still have trouble enforcing my personal boundaries when other people desire to violate them. I still feel like a child when it comes to relating to the world around me, and not in a beautiful "sense of wonder" kind of way, either.

I feel better when I pick up my books and fill my head with information, or at least challenging literature. I feel better when I work out at the YMCA on a regular basis. I feel better when I socialize with my wonderful 12-step friends, who I am eternally grateful to have discovered. I have a great job where I am very much valued. I don't care too much for the fact that circumstances keep me on SSDI, but my mental health swings are so f*****g random that I may have to accept that necessity for the rest of my life.

All in all, life is decent for me for the most part.

And yet I feel a strong sense of malcontent. Just being good enough is not good enough for me. I have to be exceptionally great. And it does not matter what I am exceptionally great at. I have to prove myself somewhere, anywhere, leave a mark, impress myself, live up to my own standards, or the standards that were hammered into me when I was a child, at least.

I have a high IQ, as many of you are aware, but I am not really applying it anywhere. I am not really actively engaging with it, and that feels like a waste of potential. Mainly, I feel a lack of genuine challenge, genuine stimulation for my mind that is enough to get the gears of my brain turning. Taking college courses cannot happen anytime soon due to the general lack of finances I have at the present moment (and the fact that my therapy sessions are costing me $140 a visit, out of my own pocket). I need to escape this sense of mental ennui I am existing within. I need something to chew on and digest, something substantial, something challenging, but in a controlled environment.

My therapist has recently told me that I will always be obsessed about something, whether it be pornography, video games, literature, etc. I do not believe in half-measures. He is strongly suggesting that I find some place to apply those obsessive tendencies of mine in a way that builds myself up, and use obsession and endless drive as an asset instead of a detriment.

Any brilliant ideas?

This is a very difficult existential problem.

It might not have a simple or immediate answer. I feel like this too. In fact the more I read people's post on WP the more I am pleasantly shocked that their are people out their that have actually had experiences like mine/or feel the way I do or are confused like me- but I digress.

I feel a sort of painful compulsion to read, dissect things, analyze, learn, and do more, and I don't always go about fulfilling this need in the proper way, and the fact that I have not done the things I would hope to have done in my life at this point are upsetting to me as well. Moreover, intellectually speaking I feel VERY VERY unfulfilled. Mental ennui is a very apt metaphor or comparison if you will- I like it.
Even when I was in classes or college I would find that there was never really enough challenge or that people were more in it for the grades than they were about mental sparring. I became very intellectually cynical at that time

The idea of still feeling childish was very poignant to me. I feel that way often and dislike it immensely at least within myself. This is because as much as people associate a "childishness" with some sort of innocence or angelic virtue I find it to be repugnant in that (to me) it is simply indicative of excessive ignorance of a topic or field of life/learning: perhaps, chemistry, emotional intuition, world religions whatever it is at hand.
However, I would also state that being annoyed at ones-self isn't helpful either.

As far as ideas go, I've found that certain forms of spontaneity help for example, spontaneous weekend trip to a near-by hitherto unexplored place to be fun- or going internationally if you can afford it. (although it is a fine line- it can be anxiety inducing as well).
Sometimes it is as simple as leaving the house.
( I can be quite the shut-in)
Recently I have been listening to podcasts.
Other lukewarm suggestions would be writing if you fancy it- or joining a short-term competition so that you have a distracting goal to work towards. Ever think of picking up a new sport- something you haven't done before? or learning to play an instrument?
Not sure how much this helps though. However, I feel like I can empathize/sympathize on this a bit (how "un-aspie" of me *gasp*)despite the difference in ages.

In writing I tend to waffle so I'll try (being the operative word) and chop this down more coherently -
- alcoholism - it's perversely nice to meet another autistic alcoholic. I too have only been sober half a year. I know the philosophy is "once an alcoholic always an alcoholic" but I do hope you mean nonactive alcoholism. Because hell, if active, that's your step one (pun only partially intended). Nothing can proceed until you address that. Which I'm sure you know. Depending on where you're at, you could throw yourself into detox, rehab, AA, secular recovery programs, service, etc. You will no doubt encounter all kinds of alternative perspectives there.

- underachievement - I don't know your angle on the higher power in the program, but I have been working with Buddhism, and find the ideas in the dharma teaching about observing the mind, examining the thoughts and beliefs therein without getting caught up in them, attached to them, believing in the truth of them, etc and just observing objectively where this impression comes from to be very insightful. Sometimes it seems the pressure to achieve that mark, that bar, to be the best and so on is an external standard forced on us societally, not an internal desire we actually believe or are fully in control of. But I doubt "unpacking" and mindfulness based stress reduction is news to you, paying that much for a therapist. But philosophically investigating the structures behind that impression of malcontent itself can help to counter it, replacing conditioning that may be causing you all kinds of internal discord instead with a solid, deliberately reasoned belief. You write of feeling as if your potential is wasted. That is in my thinking what I perceive as as "in," something that underlies my functioning problems and provides a place to start affecting all the other parts. What is it that holds back your potential? You may think about starting with addressing this and working outwards.

- intellectual stimulation and money - I too am chronically short of money and thus, can't afford to participate in all the education I would like to, especially in the absence of practical things like a job at the end of the 60k + in student loans, so I looked into the basic equivalent of an undergraduate degree (without the qualification, at least theoretically, but also without the price tag) by researching in this Information Age the required reading and source material for the areas that interested me. Many universities publish their text content on their subject websites and you can go and study it yourself. If you live near to one, too, often people can go and attend the lectures in certain circumstances who aren't students. That may also provide a forum for you to engage with others within that area. There is also several portal-like places designed for autodidact education such as - http://themindunleashed.org/2014/07/12- ... -free.html
It may be awkward socially but people are always suggesting to me when I'm complaining that my brain is rotting to go and participate in interest groups, like meet ups and so on. There you can associate and theoretically get into stimulating discussions with others. A structure specifically designed for discussion, such as a debating club for instance, would also provide you the controlled environment you require. Also proverbially hitting two birds with one stone, they say the best ways to stimulate the brain are learning languages, learning to play an instrument, and physical exercise. That last one might help with the physically out of shape issue, plus of course, again in theory (certainly never worked on me) someone with an addictive personality can become addicted to his own neurochemistry given the endorphins, hormones, etc that exercise stimulates. The "gym junkie" deal. Again, probably not news to you, but a suggestion nonetheless.

- obsessiveness - I deal with the dark side of this a lot and I agree, unless directed outward in some deliberate way, that obsessiveness can consume you. If you were to self-educate in some areas, you could indeed direct that outward in a way that builds you up and provides you focus - such as self-teaching a language and then offering yourself as an interpreter, either paid or not.
I hope that doesn't end up too waffly and / or was helpful to you in some way.

You can make a text based hentai game.

I just noticed that you're avatar was Len, it could be a text based yaoi game if you prefer boys, whatever floats your boat.

A part of me is seriously tempted to quit my job right this very second, even though things are going very well here.

A part of me is seriously tempted to toss in the towel, spend what money I have left on liquor, have the lost weekend to end all lost weekends, and die shortly afterwards.

Ennui and depression have merged within myself to create this feeling.

Thankfully, I am not so impulsive as to follow through with any of this.

I do want to go home and start crying for several hours, though.

Please don't quit your job! That would be self-sabotage of the highest order.

I would continue with the challenging literature and the working out at the Y.

Just try to lift slightly heavier weights every day--or do more 1-2 more reps per set.

Well, I would rather be by myself than get crap from people. If this is happening to you too, I'd say others aren't worth bothering with. I'm perfectly aware that being alone sucks, but I hate bullying and rejection too. So much that I stopped trying to make people "accept" me.

Don't worry. I did not quit my job yesterday. I did leave a couple of hours early, went home, and slept for 16 hours straight. I woke up, and apparently that was all it took to get over this hump I found myself in the last couple of days. I feel back to normal again. Strange, I know. I like my job, I like my life, I like being sober all over again. After sleeping for 16 hours. Who would've known?

Whenever I feel depressed, that night I take a few sleeping pills and go to sleep, and when I wake up in the morning I feel a lot better. Maybe sleep helps the mind and body heal from trauma.