23, just started, and already feel like my life is over

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Everything is just going wrong. The last 3,5 months I've been feeling extremely tense and depressed.
I can't stop crying.
My internship is not going well... I might even not make it. It costs me so much energy and effort every day. And what then? Will I ever get a proper job? Will I ever move out from my mother? I am so afraid of the future. My poor mom pays my college bills... she always wanted us to have a good future. And now I have gone to university for 6 years and the last part of it is not going well. I feel so sorry to my mom... just so sorry. I feel like a complete failure. I am disappointing the people around me, which hurts me so much.
What will I do after I get my diploma, with or without the internship? I don't have a freaking clue. There are hardly any jobs in clinical psychology in my country and I am not that good compared to other interns. And then what? Most people move out when they have enough money to pay for a place of their own, or they move in with their partner. I don't have that kind of money and I am not sure I ever will... especially if I can't find or keep a job. I can stay with my mom perhaps for some time langer, but even so... my mom is not going to live forever. In 20 years she will be 83, and I will be 43. She won't live forever, and who will then take care of me? I don't have any family in my country that I can stay with. I'm afraid I will become homeless.
My boyfriend who is almost 5 years older than me is so succesful at what he does. He also went to university and now has a steady job as a jurist. He functions very well at his job and (I think) doesn't have an ASS. He is also sweet, nice, kind and good looking. In my eyes he is such a succesful person, while everything is failing at me. I am a depressed, anxious wreck perhaps with ASD that can't even function at an internship. The thought of him leaving my makes me feel even more depressed, but at the same time it feels like it is a certainty waiting to happen. Just such a great job... proper job, his own place next year, no mental health issues or anything... why would he stay with me, a depressed, unhealthy, poor functioning, wreck? I know my boyfriend is on tinder sometimes, and he always says that he doesn't like those girls, that he just talks to them because he is fascinated by their brainlessness. He says it doesn't have anything to do with me or our relationship. I don't know what to think about that really. To me it feels like a red flag... It makes me feel insecure that he is doing it, and I don't wanna believe it says anything about his interest in me but appearantly deep down I think it does. He also doesn't call me while he knows I am going trough a really tough phase. My boyfriend is going to leave my for a healthy girl with fewer issues, sooner or later. Why wouldn't he? Nothing is wrong with him. When I ask him to call me I am relieved to be able to talk to him, but at the same time I am afraid that my depressive thoughts and moods create a scratch in the relationship everytime I tell him about how I feel. Because I really do feel like a miserable, hopeless, helpless creature.

I just hope I will get through this terrible phase in my life, and feel happy again some day. I hope that I can look back on my life when I am 25 and think: that was a really horrible time, but thank god you feel better now, are more opimistic about the future, and feel confident in your skin.

I totally understand. I just posted on a similar topic: I want to drop out of university because I don't see any prospect of it leading anywhere. I am lucky in that I now have somebody who loves me, and she pays most of the bills (I have a minimum wage job, and I do pay more than I cost, which is what matters). But I don't want to upset her.

Of course, as you say, you have to think ahead. In my case this is my third university. I didn't know I had autism the first times, so I took all the wrong courses. They all needed social skills. Of course, ALL jobs need social skills. In my case I am an artist, so all I really need is my art. For me the secret is finding a way to live as cheaply as possible. But in today's economy that isn't easy. The era of cheap rent and lots of jobs is long gone. But it's the only hope. Either find something you enjoy or find a way to live cheaply. The worst thing of all is to keep trying something you cannot do and do not want to do.


I hope he doesn't. Because if he does, it will be heartbreaking. But you need someone who truly loves you. I didn't find someone like that until I was 44. It makes all the difference: somebody who loves you completely and totally. People like that ARE out there. The really hard part is getting your heart broken again and again until you find them.

Before I met my fiancée I thought I would be forever alone. Add that and the autism and I felt completely trapped (hence my user name). The secret is to go on OK Cupid, fill out as many questions as you can, so somebody can get to know you, and remember the numbers. It is a numbers game.

There are people out there who will genuinely love you and want to be with you forever, but to find them you have to endure hundred, perhaps thousands, of horrible people. Dating sites are brutal. People will reject you constantly, some will insult you, many will just try to trick you into quick sex, or just send you pictures of their private parts. Some will mean well but will be cruel, demanding and stupid without realising it. And somehow you have to get through all that horror. Because somewhere out there is the person who will make you very happy forever.

I think the problem is that we evolved to live in small groups. So if we find it hard to find somebody to love, well, that was very serious. Living in a small medieval village, if you failed to find love in three or four attempts then it was all over. You would never find a partner. But it's different now. We now have millions of potential partners, but we still have brains that evolved in an era of scarcity.

So when you find it hard to find love, naturally it breaks your heart and you think it's all over. But you have to remember the numbers with the Internet. You have to get past the first three failures, the first ten, the first thousand if needed. Somehow you need to retain your hope, even though your whole heart says it's hopeless. Because if you keep at it long enough you will meet the right one.

In my case, I lived in a remote village with a minimum wage job and no way of getting out: plus my autism of course. I had all this love to offer, but nobody wanted it. I was ready to settle for anybody who could just put up with me. And nobody ever did.

Then one day I went online and saw a woman who also understood what it is like to be different.

See is over six foot two, and has a large build, so men would never look at her. Yet she is beautiful, intelligent funny, caring, everything a man could want. Luckily my one selling point is that I am tall (six foot six). So for her, the idea of finally meeting someone she could look up to was a dream come true. We have been together three years now and are as much in love as the first day: we text or phone at least three times a day (she works offshore half the month). She cannot believe that somebody loves her (even though she is beautiful, but her height scared men off). And I finally have somebody who knows what it is to be alone, and who has that depth and intelligence that I crave.

Oh, and beauty is a funny thing. My fiancée's photo on OK Cupid was not beautiful. She was not happy, and frankly she looked scary. It was the best photo she had, and it was not good. But I knew she was different because of her height. Being different was what I wanted: somebody who really knows what it is like.

And guess what: when she finally got happy and smiled she was like a different person. She has the most perfect mouth I have ever seen, and gorgeous eyes. Most women I know do not think they are beautiful. But ninety percent of beauty is in happiness that shines from a person. A happy person with terrible bone structure is much more beautiful than a miserable person with chiseled cheeks. (And really bone structure is the only thing you can't change: everything else is a result of how good you feel and how you stand, dress, look after yourself, etc.) Boe structure really does not matter. Happiness matters. Never settle for second best. Never stop looking until you find the person who will truly love you forever. That person will bring out your beauty and genuinely find you the most attractive and exciting person in the world.

You do not have to settle for second best. But you have to meet a lot of toads before you meet your handsome prince.

Good luck.

It sounds like you're likely to get your degree.

I think that's a great accomplishment in itself.

I sense that you fear the future. All you can do....is to plug away. Try to get that clinical psychology job.

If that proves difficult, I've seen some places in Amsterdam, right outside the Metro that need people like you (a therapist!). Perhaps you could be a social worker or a teacher in these areas? They don't look too hot--these areas. You could provide some of those people with hope. And start to make a living at the same time, building up your resume/CV.