Screaming night terrors

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...and people wonder why 1) I'm never dated 2) why I never married and 3) Sex is a taboo subject with me.

For the past 6 weeks, I have been having the same recurring nightmare from incidents that happened over 40 years ago. I usually wake up screaming bloody murder, then having a meltdown for the rest of the day. Yet, if I try to explain what happened to cause this, I'm told it's my own damned fault I allowed this to happen.

I had problems with girl gangs when I was in high school. All three gangs were sisters from their respective families. One group would beat the sh!t out of me when're they would see me in public. The second group would try to get their hands down my pants whenever possible. The third group was mentally and verbally abusive. When I said anything about this to my parents, they'd beat the sh!t out of me for 1) lying 2) being unable to defend myself, and 3) blaming me for causing the problem in the first place.

Ever since the a**hole in the den moved out (and about 2 weeks before that), I've been having this nightmare, with the same end result: all three of these gangs come together and perform a Lorena Bobbitt on me.

I have an appointment with the psychiatrist tomorrow morning. Past experience with those clowns is to prescribe more psychotropics, which I can't tolerate.

And people wonder why I stay locked in my room all the time, and prefer dogs to people?

There has to be some way to resolve this.

I'm sorry you're going through all this.

When you wake up, though, aren't you relieved that all this stuff is actually not happening to you?

When I wake up, I'm having a panic attack, shortly followed by a meltdown. Good luck getting back to sleep.

As I anticipated, the psychiatrist wants me back on medications, since my primary diagnosis is bipolar I with seasonal affective disorder, generalized anxiety disorder and ASD. He thought it was unusual that I was diagnosed bipolar so late in life. I told him that 50 years ago, bipolar was somewhat rare, and also, as far as my parents were concerned, they were of the same opinion of MGM studios mogul Louis B. Mayer: Anyone seeing a psychologist or a psychiatrist ought to have their head examined. He gives me this look of disgust, until I told him 1) both parents are dead, and 2) both grew up during the Great Depression and WWII. In addition, both my parents grew up in dysfunctional homes: my maternal grandfather saw action in WWII, and was the town drunk, just like his father. I actually remember seeing Grandpa physically, verbally and mentally abuse Mom. I suspect she was bipolar, as she had a hairpin trigger on her temper. Heaven help the person who set her off.

My paternal grandfather was the town Don Juan. Grandpa also was cold and distant. Dad coped by being a heckler. I usually ended up being the butt of his jokes and heckling.

The end result is, I now have a PTSD diagnosis and he wants me back on meds, which I absolutely refuse to do, especially after all the bad reactions I had with them in the past. His concern is I might have a relapse. I gave him a good example of what psychotropics do to me: Prozac. I was on Prozac when I worked for DCSOPS US Army--Pentagon. It took all I could to keep from lopping off the head of a three-star general. He looks further in my record to see the last drug I was on: Viibryd. His comment was what the hell was the last psychiatrist thinking, as that drug is not indicated for bipolar. I also let him know that members of my former church choir have told me that I should have never been on those meds, as they were seeing the disastrous results these meds were causing me.

In short, I prefer CBT or DBT over meds. My issues, other than diabetes and colitis, are not chemical, but environmental. You live in a toxic living situation, and see how you fare!

Sounds like you had an imteresting family, though you had to endure them.