Comfort in misery versus growth into happiness.

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There are parts of me that are resisting recovery at every turn. Like having a little devil on my right shoulder whispering into my ear about how it would be alright if I engaged in my addictions a few more times just for the hell of it. I don't engage with it, but that does not mean that the thoughts do not occur to me.

As miserable as addiction can be, there is comfort in its familiarity.

And recovery takes me far outside of my comfort zones. I think about my past mistakes and I start to feel unworthy of recovery and the growth and happiness that comes along with it.

When I am alone, by myself in my apartment, I find myself constantly dwelling on what I lived through when I was a child. People in the fellowship are telling me that I should just "let it go", and they are right, all of that happened over two decades ago. Yet I obsess over past traumas, and I find letting it go to be an impossibility most of the time. I am perpetually stuck here, and it is not where I need to be. My past abusers still have power over me in that respect.

When I am alone, I am alone with an insane person. I do not like being alone in my own skin at all.

Not sure what else to add to this. Most of this has already been said previously. But now it is 11:30pm, I am facing a bout of insomnia, and I have to try to get some sleep since I have to be at the office several hours from now. Lovely.

You have a right to recovery.
Being tempted happens to all of us ...
that you are resisting it is awesome.

...

If you stay comfortable in misery too long, it starts to smell bad.

I don't know whether this applies to you, but I find people often say someone is dwelling on a miserable past they should let go of when there is actually some concern in the present that is frightening and needs to be dealt with. That concern might not be obvious to others, but if something is triggering, it's natural to be scared and dwell on a dark past to try to protect onerself, resisting all suggestions to "let go" because it truly does seem dangerous to do so.

Think about what you are frightened by in the present and what it would take to reassure you, rather than criticizing yourself (again).

I never advocate denial. I just advocate not letting your past affect your present.

I'm a person who likes history. I think knowing the past is essential in knowing the present.

Denial is a form of ignorance.

OP, I assume you are in some kind of therapy or counseling?
It sounds to me like you need some help believing that you are worth healing and that you are valuable and strong.
Addictions are a crutch of sorts, because we get used to walking through life using them.
When we start to try and go on without them, we can be very afraid.
Wondering if we CAN. But also wondering what we will do if we can.
Afraid of success.

When you can walk freely without the help of the addiction crutches, where might you go? What might you achieve? The world is so big it can seem daunting. Perhaps this is why the addictions seem comfortable...they keep you in the places you know so you can't get out and explore. They keep you down.

I have heard it said many times that we are more afraid of what we can do than what we can't do. I believe this is often true.

You need to know you are strong enough to go on without these addictions, and that you deserve the freedom that you will have without them. It's not just about saying goodbye to an old life, but saying yes to a new one. To turn from one means to turn toward the other.

Do you have a specific goal? This would be helpful to encourage you to keep going forward. "Letting go" is only part of the process. "Reaching for" is the other.

Yeah, I am seeing a therapist who specializes in addiction. I have been seeing him for over four years now.

I feel like I should be much further along in my recovery than I actually am, but that line of thinking is self-degrading and serves me no goodwill.

As far as what I want to reach for, I have not a clue. In many ways, I am living a very comfortable life. I have an excellent support circle, and I also have an group of friends who proudly accept me as one of their own, despite my Asperger diagnosis. The life I thought I would never have is my reality now.

The question is, where do I go from here?

Very simply, you should "grow into happiness."

People hate the term "wallowing" here--but if one finds comfort in misery (yes, I do know people who find comfort in misery), then I find that the person is "wallowing in self-pity."

I think you've attained a considerable amount of insight. And I find that you seem healthier than a month ago.

Yeah, my therapist is the kind of guy who does not explain things to me outright. He points and nudges me to what he wants me to face and to realize on my own merits instead of handing me the answers on a platter. Heh.

I think that the biggest problem I have currently is my mind's tendency to dwell on repetitions of bad memories, and about how my mind plays nonstop tape loops of the words surrounding them. I need to find other things for my mind to dwell upon, and find better tape loops than what is currently playing, at least.