Have to pull out of a nosedive

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I never really liked my life. In some ways it feels a little selfish of me to complain because I have an amazing family who love me. I have a job that I like and a nice apartment. Up until a few years ago though, I also had friends and things that I was passionate about and I felt like there was a future. At the time I was living in England and I used to teach tightrope walking to kids at a circus skills workshop.

My parents retired to Frankfurt, my brother moved to Berlin and my sister moved to Australia so apart from the circus skills club I no longer had any ties to England so I moved to Frankfurt as well. I love the city of Frankfurt and so thought life here would be amazing.

The truth is that I have never been so lonely and I don't know how to pull out of the funk that I am in. I've been here now for over 3 years and I have yet to make any friends. I don't have a girlfriend, although that has almost always been the case. I have gone to various different meetups doing lots of things, hiking, rollerblading, board game clubs, cinema nights, stand up comedy nights. I always met people at these events but never anyone interested in staying in touch.

I had these same feelings sometimes in England too but there was always this background feeling that it would eventually get better. Now I have hit 40 and I have this constant background feeling that all the best parts of my life have already past me by and I didn't take advantage of them.

The biggest problem is that I just cannot seem to change my life because I have no passion for anything anymore. I have done lots in my life. I rode an elephant, I swam with sharks, I sat completely alone on the top of one of the temples near Angkor Wat and watched the sun come up, I held a koala bear in my arms and I have played with kangaroos. I did all of this but I never had anyone to share any of it with. I kind of feel like life without someone to share it with is like owning a fast sports car with no wheels. It's kind of pointless.

When I was a kid I never dreamed of being rich, never fantasized about what job I would do. The only thing I ever wanted was to meet a nice woman to share my life with and maybe have children with. From as early as I can remember I knew I wanted to one day be with someone. And that is the one thing that has never happened and which I can no longer even imagine ever happening.

And the part that scares me most is what will happen in the future. Both my younger brother and sister are married. My sister has two wonderful kids and a nice life and my brother runs a very successful business in Berlin and is a passionate DJ there. I on the other hand still haven't even figured out who I really am or what drives me and it scares me because my parent's are retired and getting old now. Hopefully they will still live for many years to come but there will come a day when they are no longer here and then I will be truly alone. I'm scared of what I will do then.

I'm sorry this is so long. I've kind of lost where I was going with this post. It has been good to write though just to get it out of my head. I don't really know what I was hoping for starting this post, it is not like anyone can change this for me. I'm the only one who can change my life. I'm just lost as my name suggests.

Without someone in my life I am like a blackness. I think it's regular human condition, an emotional need that is common through most of humanity.

I have at moments had this need met. However, it is strange to me that when, upon losing this need, I am in need of medical aid when in actuality I am in need of another meaningful bond with someone.

You've had a pretty good life.

Perhaps you have a fear that life is passing you by, and that things in a non-native city do not come easily for you. How good is your German?

I've been in similar funks. Alas, it's the Human Condition.

The way to snap out of it is to not become obsessed with the funk, and the reasons why. Pursue your previous hobbies, and always learn new things.

I certainly know the feeling of being lonely in another culture. It can be such an acute experience, and this may be the central source of your current state. Your need is to make some kind of connection, and perhaps we could brainstorm some possibilities. I don't know that city, though I have lived in Bonn, where there was an English-speaking club based at the university; this was my only chance to speak English to other native English speakers, apart from the embassies there (Bonn was still the capital then). I wonder if there is anything similar at the university in Bonn.

If there isn't, possibly you could put up a notice on a student board there, to see if any English speakers are interested in meeting sometimes for coffee and cake; you might also possibly offer some private tutoring to German students of English.

If these don't appeal and your isolation - apart from your parents - continues without any relief, seriously consider leaving. I found the formality of German culture together with my language challenges formed a formidable barrier to establishing any meaningful social contact, though your German may be much better than mine was (it could hardly be worse!).

Sounds like things have hit a very deep low and making a new decision of some kind that changes your current life situation seems crucial to your future well-being. Best wishes and good luck. I hope this will be a year of positive change for you.