Okay so here's the deal, I'm having a hard time coping with everything in life. From being around people to simple things of cleaning a house or keeping good hygiene. I cannot seem to deal with NT's because they want WAY too much from me and expect me to be a way I cannot live up to. Neither can I deal with autistics because they are not social in the way I am. See I use different keywords in my vocabulary that I notice most autistics and NT's don't use so I feel isolated and weird even around my own kind. I don't have a high IQ like most asperger's people (yet they diagnosed me as that)nor am I very social like NT's. I have A LOT of delays so I have the worse of both worlds that I think is a curse. I've talked to people on WP and have not met not one person that has the same ideals about things, likes the same things I do nor is as much of an introvert as I am. I like to be alone more than the average introvert. I am an extreme introvert, I could only deal with people in small dosages NT's and autistics respectively. I refuel and do better by myself but I'm not as independent as I should be because I have WAY too many deficits that get in my way. It's like I want to be independent but it's VERY hard for me to be considering there's some many things I cannot do that people take for granted. I cannot comb my hair, I barely know how to have good hygiene (since I am so obese and it's hard to do things like do laundry and take a shower) nor take care of a house, cook, clean or do simple things. EVERY little things stresses me out to no end, I'm always on edge and anxious until I just sit here and do nothing because I get so overwhelmed that it causes me physical pain and I black out and fall asleep due to WAY too much over simulation. Everything is SO LOUD and bright and annoying until I'm nauseous. I want to be by myself so bad but due to where I live not having enough places for low income places for people with disabilities to live I am stuck with my grandmother which she stresses me out and bugs me every 5 minutes and she wonders why when she talks to me I'm very angry. She bugs me too much! There are places to live for low income but the waitlists are like 5 1/2 + years long, they are mixed use, and I need a place ASAP to be able to function. I need to not be around non supportive and annoying NT's who don't even care to understand me nor want to understand me. I want be able to be myself around people and NOT fake who I am anymore so that means moving away from my family AGAIN. I don't want a fake persona anymore I just want to be myself but with NT's I constantly have to be someone I do not recognize which I hate. Anyways, I have a question. Should I just stay here, go crazy and gain 500 pounds and die because that will happen if I continue living with my grandmother because she does not get me AT ALL no matter how hard I try to get her to understand me like I understand her or do I just become homeless, crazy, and have to put all my stuff in storage to gain my freedom and pack lightly while putting the rest in storage? Because these are the only choices I'm left with because when a nice low income place opened up like a 1 year ago my grandmother said not to take it and I still regret that. I could also live with my ex but he's also autistic and I cannot deal with his problems and my problems together it's just WAY too much. I already am practically an anxious, fat, ugly, stressed out person that's a train wreck who gets freaked out just by my own shadow. I need someplace where I could be calm, taken care of, less stress so I could lose weight and stick to a diet and happy. Right now I don't have any of that and have been in limbo since 18 that's why I turned out this way because my f****d up life has taken a toll on me and I want to get out of it. I don't want to kill myself to get out of it but I'm tired of living this way. I'm fat and have a physical disability that makes it hard to sit or stand for long periods if I didn't have this problem I would have a job right now but I'm always on edge and my physical disability makes it worse that I cannot even do anything. I cannot even stand or sit for 5 minutes. I cannot go outside because my feet swell without 5 seconds. Which I hate because I miss walking and exercising, I miss being smaller to be able to do these things but I've gained close to 100 pounds in less than 2 months I went from 205 to 308 pounds. I just really want things to get better, what should I do? (Please don't recommend things I already know about like water aerobics or s**t that is NOT conclusive to me, I need another person to recommend something that will ACTUALLY help or work). Please note: I am out of people to talk to, my father hates me and doesn't want anything to do with me nor understands autism yet he's a nurse and my mother she's too into herself to care about me.
13 May 2016, 8:12 pm
