Anybody Else Wish They Could Cry More Often?

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One of life's greatest ironies, I've found, is that when I actually want to cry, the tears just will not come, and I feel dead inside (emotionally) - but when I least expect it, I break down into a blubbering baby.

Last night I got a little drunk (mostly to get rid of the pain of my thumb that I slammed, resulting in a subungual hematoma). I got pretty bitter and angry in my stupor - because of the weather, because of my thumb, because I can't drive to work, because of this and that and all things petty and insignificant - and was about ready to amputate and cauterize my thumb or just f*** something - or someone - up.

And then the really heavy stuff hit me.

I reflected on how my manager - and friend - is either going to lose his job or get demoted and sent elsewhere; I reflected on how my girlfriend of three years dumped me last fall because of some nightmares she had about me (long story made short, I hurt her pretty badly both emotionally and physically almost three years ago, and haven't forgiven myself since); I reflected on how my great grandfather is dying, and I can't even f***ing talk to him on the phone anymore, and I haven't spoken to him since last Fathers' Day, and now it's too late; and then I reflected on how petty even these problems are, for there are those who can't even dream of the luxuries in life that I have - people who lie down on the cold ground starving to death and thirsty beyond imagination, and who probably aren't even complaining about it like I am. And then I wept madly, and prayed to a god that I don't even believe is there to end the suffering, saying that if it meant I needed to sacrifice everything I have for the sake of everyone else out there who has nothing, then so be it. It was just too much for me to handle.

I kept asking "Why?! Why are you letting this happen?" and I got no response.

The last thing - and this is the one that really struck me the most - was that I reflected on altruism and selflessness; I thought they existed, but as my therapist says, they must not. I thought I saw it in people like us (autistic), but I'm not even sure we're entirely capable of it. I'm starting to think I've lost hope in humanity once and for all...

S***, I'm crying a little again and I have a job interview to go to in a few hours - at least I'm not drunk and balling my eyes out right now.

Anyways, is anyone else feeling this way about crying? Wishing they could do it more often? I find it extremely therapeutic, which sucks because it very RARELY happens to me. Sometimes I even want to kill myself if for no other reason than I don't feel enough. I don't want to be desensitized and dead inside - I want to be alive, and feel EVERYTHING - and not just sadness and misery, but joy and bliss as well, and everything else.

some say that god is within us, so when we ask god for answers, we ask a higher aspect of ourselves. as for crying, I have stendahl's syndrome so I listen to music and the waterworks overflow the joint. the same music afterwards makes me feel like I just stood in a thunderstorm and now that the rains have passed, the air is sweet and clear and everything feels better. and there ARE altruistic people, just not too many. most have ulterior motives but not all, so one should resist throwing the baby out with the bathwater. even people who one would not guess were capable of it can have their altruistic moments despite themselves.

I guess that explains my conscience, "Spirit."

I did that once when I listened to "The Plagues" from the Prince of Egypt OST. I also did it just last night listening to the end of Dream Theater's "Octavarium," but it was more of an "awakening" sort of crying than it was being sad or in despair - it was like being in awe.

Even if it takes the rest of my life, I'll seek as many of them out as I can - and always strive to be one myself.

^^^