Where did this weekend go?

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On Friday night, I stayed up until 2AM playing my PS3.

Then I woke up Saturday around noon, and stayed up until 4am doing the exact same thing.

Then I woke up today around noon, and I went right back to sleep.

Before I knew it, I blew the entire weekend on Star Ocean.

I wanted to get some stuff done, but I think the gaming is entering the territory of the compulsive at this point.

I am actively avoiding taking action to build myself up as a human being. Maybe not intentionally, but that is exactly what is going on here.

What the f**k am I so afraid of?

I am building myself up as a human being. I went to a group dinner Friday evening. I spent the weekend sleeping. Sometimes ya just gotta sleep, or play games, whatever. Just keep returning to building yourself up; don't run yourself down for sleeping or escaping!

No one ever died from a video game addiction, you just need time management skills. It would be the same if you read a few books over the weekend or just did netflix and chill all day. Whats the matter with an addiction as long as no one is getting hurt? Enjoy that stuff, you only live once. Don't worry about it and just be chill.

It is the fact that I only live once that has me so worried about this.

I am already 37. Half of my life has been pissed away.

I want to do more with my life. It was not this last weekend that was a waste. It was damn near everything leading up to this point. I thought I would have accomplished something worth a damn by this point in my life. Yet I have nothing to back up my worth as a human being.

And I know exactly what I need to be doing. I need to start using the YMCA membership I have been paying for. I need to get out of my apartment and start making more friends. I need to start giving myself a ball to play with that will build myself up in the process. Video games are not that ball. Neither was the drinking or the seedy side of the Internet. I will always be obsessed about something, but that obsessive nature of mine needs me to nudge it in the right direction. Why can't I be obsessed about being a responsible adult for a change? I'm not in f*****g middle school any more, I have not been there for more than two decades.

I know what I need to be doing to build myself up, yet I keep hesitating. I keep procrastinating. I keep coming up with excuses as to why I can't build myself up today, this week, this month, this year. Before I know it, I will be on my deathbed, wondering why I pissed my entire life away.

As a wild guess, could it be that your priorities are wrong? Or that you should have many things to work on and your appearance is not the place to start? Maybe brainstorm with paper & pen. Or Google for site about priorities. Find anything you *can* do and go for it. It'll lead somewhere.

My priority is to find a path, and to make an effort to stick with it long enough to see where it could take me.

I feel like I have been stagnant for far too long.