I've been getting emotionally stuck all my life. (Long BTW)

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I swear that I've been getting emotionally stuck on things for my entire life.
When I was a kid I didn't want to grow up, I remember from the age of 4 making a promise to myself that I won't change mentally because if i let myself change I'll become bad. I know I was serious, that's why I still remember. I must have known something..
When I was a kid I got upset of anyone tried to praise me by saying I was being grown up.
One time a teacher in reception year was saying to a kid that if he didn't behave he will be put back in nursery school and I was wanting to say that I want that, but I didn't say. I only spoke if I needed to or about important stuff, apparently I had selective mutism but I got told later. I kept a pacifier until I was 5 and made to throw it out and a blanket that i was attached to till i was 11 and it got taken from me when I was at school.

I used to dress and do my hair in such a way as to look younger and didn't care about fashion at all in my tween years. Then moved home and school and was wanting to go back to the old place with my old friends for years after. I used to make up things to my new friends that I am I'm a secret group and I'm a leader of the kids faction and I'm at the new school by mistake. I used to say someone is going to pick me up in a helicopter and take me back home and we would literally all watch the sky and road at break time, at least they would humor me.I think I believed the things I made up sometimes.

I also became 'addicted' to a certain computer game and I would think about it all day as well as thinking about escaping the new school. If for some reason I couldnt play it I got very agitated.


Nowadays I feel restless a lot. I feel always like I'm looking for something but can't find what. Everyone is changing and I don't know others who think like me. I'm confused really about others. I promised I wouldn't change and I think my wish really came true. Isn't that a good thing? I'm not sure.

I'm glad to be able to have a life though and experience things. All of that is cool and I'm not hating on it.
I probably couldn't learn to make friends and relate to people properly because I get stuck. Maybe I'm not really autistic... Just messed up.

the important thing is that you are alive and kicking