Walking in and out of my life?!

Post Reply New Topic

I think I need to get something off my chest finally. Instead of telling you about the friendship, I would rather tell you what happened after it. I used to have a best friend and loved her a lot. She would be the only person I would share intimate details of my life with. We were neither romantic nor platonic, something in between. We both acknowledged that on multiple occasions.

Unfortunately she started to remove herself from me at one point. She would always make excuses for that and promise to be on time or show up at all next time, remember my birthday or this and that important event in my life. Weeks turned into months. She would graciously get back to me every 3-4 months. I thought I had pushed her away with my behavior after the years and so I asked her if I upset her. She apologized again and said how she's such a terrible person for making me feel that way, she's just so busy and anxious, too and will try and better herself, etc. I did not hear from her agian for the next 6 months.

I was in a terrible place at that time, I fell sick and nothing was helping. I am still recovering these days, years later. She knew that. Yet she didn't even ask me how I was doing. You see, the exact same ordeal ensues and I don't hear from her again. I felt ridiculed. I knew the friendship had really suffered because when I was excited about something, I would tell her. And when I felt anxious, too. But at one point, I kept it all to myself. Because I felt it would simply not be appropriate to tell her any longer.

So in those months she again disappeared, a mutual friend lets me know how she wasn't really busy or would rather stay at home, she had simply replaced me with someone else. It hurt me a lot, but I am not someone who wants to come across as having a sense of entitlement over someone and I would never admit to having been hurt in front of someone else. I tried to push through the pain and appreciate the lovely years we have had before this turned for the worse. She helped me to get through difficult times, after all.

I said how she would not speak a word with me for a solid 6 months. I stopped trying at that point. I hold the opinion that if someone wants you in their life, they will try to make space, or at least let you know they are thinking of you. But she contacted me. I tried to be kind, but made it brief. You see, time does not wait for any of us and I survived that, too. Then she takes the cake and tries to contact me again 9 months later. It was so ridiculous, I did not get back to her. I felt terrible and distraught that she would not let sleeping dogs lie. Every time hurt worse. Some days, I would think about her. But I'd stop myself quickly. Today, almost 8 months later again, she threw me an e-mail. "Have you changed your number?". What can I say... Blind sided once again. I didn't need this. "Are you going to ignore me forever?" Well, that was the plan.

I was hurt about her walking out of my life. But what truly hurts me is how she thinks she can keep walking back into it. It agitates me that she cannot leave this be. How can you make a train wreck any worse and why the f**k do you think you would have to? So many times I wanted to give in and get back in touch with her. So many damn times. But I always reminded myself that it would not be right. I bet I would be very disappointed with me, deep down.

On one hand... I would love to tell her how I was diagnosed with autism and the struggle of me always trying to seem normal. How I finally had my surgery and how brave I was on my way to the hospital and how desperately I tried to stay calm in the sensory hell of hospital. How afraid I was, but how well I managed. How many kilograms I added to my deadlift since we last spoke. How intimidated that well read heavily opinionated girl, who makes me wish French classes in highschool had been mandatory and that I had invested in a rail pass, makes me feel. How I finally cut out my narcissistic father out of my life for good and left quite a few toxic people behind... But... Isn't she one of them?

On the other hand, I would accuse everybody who gave someone so much power over themselves of being insane. Do I miss a great friendship or am I so ridiculously lonely that I would love to come running back to someone who didn't want me in their life? Who knows whether this has been giving her a bad conscience or if she herself has just gotten lonely or bored again. I am healing from some things and she has been one of them.

I think this would have been done a long, long time ago. But she keeps messing with me. I don't know what to say or if anything at all. What I would like to know from someone with a clear head is whether I am having a knee jerk reaction or if she is truly messing with my mind.

Hi, It's very strange that I have a similar story to yours. I had a best friend that I would tell everything to. It was wonderful to have someone to share both the joys and sorrows with. We were friends for 14 years. And then suddenly this person found someone else and totally ignored me. Then five years later, this person contacted me out of the blue and wanted to pretend that everything was normal. I told the person that I did not even know if they were alive or dead and that we couldn't just pretend like every thing was normal after five years of no contact. Like you said, I didn't want to be jerked around.

So now I have no close friend to share joys and sorrows with. I just keep it all locked inside of me. There is no one on this planet, or any other, that knows me better than the friend I had for 14 years. Except they know nothing of the last six years of my life. I guess I have become old and cynical now. I put so much emotional investment in that person. I don't think I have it in me to start over to try to form another friendship. The hurt that it caused me was so great that I wish I had never met the person in the first place. I will never ever allow myself to get that close to anyone again because I don't ever again want to go through feeling like I have been tossed out like garbage.

So now I only have very superficial friendships. The vast majority of my time I spend alone. I have three dogs. They are always happy to see me and to be with me.

Sorry, I guess I haven't offered any help for your situation. Just wanted you to know I understand what it feels like to be tossed out like garbage.

I am so sorry. Seems the two of us know exactly what the other one has been going through. 14 years, incredible. My story spans over 8 years, too. It is just like you said, I have not had a similiar experience since then and I'm not sure I'd let myself have it. Which is irrelevant, because there simply has been no one as close. It is so energy draining to meet new people and to keep the ones you know in your life. I too have three dogs! Who were my world before all of this and continue to be so throughout it. Thank you for letting me know that I am not completely alone with this.

It was a bad experience to have the closest friendship end, but the way it specifically did made me a little callous. One thing my mother always warned me about is how friendships can end abruptly. People change and priorities do, too. Note taken. I am not someone who claims ownership or says or does petty things when I don't get my way. A simple "I have other plans today" or "I don't feel like it" are very sufficient. No one has to lie to get me off their trail. Quite the contrary, as I have always been afraid of being a burden and so I hide away. So why someone feels the need to replace me in the first place and lie about it is a little beyond me. It is also beyond me how she, just like the person you used to be close with, acts like absolutely nothing happened and I am being weird.

I never demanded an explanation and after months of not hearing from her, I also did not attempt to rekindle things any longer. So she, who did not want to be a part of my life any longer, sees that I have respected her apparent wish to keep me at a distance. Yet she sporadically (systematically?) keeps bringing this back from the dead. Best case scenario, that is remorse. But I don't believe it. More like delusion or plain boredom. At first I found it very sadistic but now that I have had yet another night to sleep about it, I'm starting to think maybe it's a bit masochistic from her, too.

Let's try to see it from the ex-friend's point of view.

I started a thread recently called "I am such a crap friend," in which I confessed I feel guilty about a friend I have not been in touch with for maybe 10 or 15 years. I wasn't there for her when I should have been. I'd like to get in touch with her, but I just recognize that I probably wouldn't be any better a friend going forward so maybe getting in touch will be confusing and unhelpful.

So... maybe your old friend is just not capable of maintaining a friendship long-term. This whole thing might be just about her, and not about you at all. So don't let her withdrawal make you change your attitude toward all people, just choose more judiciously moving forward. And I think we have to realize, nothing lasts forever.

Who would've thought that Bea Arthur would give me advice one day!

You see, I often felt like burying my head in the sand when I said or did something wrong. I'm not good with people. But I've always apologized swiftly and sincerely and tried to make things up. You say you know you have not acted optimally and that you know you would be hurting her by walking back into her life. The person I used to be friends with obviously did not have that epiphany yet. I do know these days that the friendship breaking apart wasn't my fault, I am just incredibly upset about her attempting to convince me nothing out of the ordinary has happened.

Don't be. She's not worth, your being upset. Forgive her, then forget her, and look for new sources of friendship and support.

Like here at WP!

(p.s. could you translate your signature for me? it's Greek to me!)

Thank you for your insight. Sure! It's from the Odyssey (in it's original text), when Odysseus tricks Polyphemus, the cyclops who would eat one man after another, into drinking undiluted wine. He promised to grant Odysseus one gift, should he tell him his name. The signature reads "Cyclops, you asked my noble name, and I will tell it. But do you give the stranger's gift (grant a wish), just as you promised? Nobody is my name. Nobody I am called by mother, father, and by all my mates.".

Polyphemus promises Odysseus to eat him last. What a gift! When visibly intoxicated, the men blinded him with a stake they had crafted while captured in the cave. As he screamed in agony, the other cyclopes asked who was hurting him. Polyphemus would keep screaming "Nobody is hurting me!", and, thinking he had gone insane, they let him be. The next morning the crew could make their escape, hidden underneath the bellies of the sheep grazing the plains. Unfortunately Odysseus had a moment of hybris and braggingly shouted his true name into the wind while sailing away from the island. Polyphemus was a son of Poseidon, who ruled the seas. Thus another cursed travel ensued!

Outis (no one) is the name Odysseus uses in Homeric Greek when speaking to Polyphemus. Kanenas, my username, is modern day Greek for no one! Odysseus is my role model, you could say.

Thanks, that's quite an interesting tale!

Most of my friends for the longest time were online. Of course some have disappeared over the years. It happens.

Yeah, but the benefit there is that people can distance themselves properly. It's a little intimidating (for lack of better word) when someone could show up at your doorstep any time and you just don't want to deal with that person anymore.

The words "I'm sorry, but I just don't feel like we have anything in common anymore" ought to put the situation in the proper perspective.