Fight

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had a fight with my dad, meltdown, lots of yelling, lots arguing.

I am thinking about killing myself,

Probably ruined my relationship with my family, really wish I was dead right now.

Drugging hard,

Enough said,

Time heals all wounds. Buck up, bad night, take stock tomorrow and the next and the next etc.

I am drunk and high and this is triggering as hell

Well my family has been dysfunctional for years and I don't think they are coming back.

I am so f*****g stoned right now I can't think of anything else to say, but I am thinking about flying out this window or cutting myself I know that much. f**k man, I don't know that I am gonna make it this time but I have done this two or three times in the haven so I don't know. I really don't see a relationship every happening again.

I want to die but I'll never get stoned enough to do it, I'll pass out in a minute but

I don't know

maybe I will this time, maybe I f*****g will

So my dad will know how much I used autism as an f*****g excuse when I dead, I really actually suffer.

oh actually my mom emailed me, maybe its not as bad as I thought lol

well I might as well enjoy the bake. I won't cut myself, at least not yet, I am still thinking about calling 911 though. I can tell them I am just drunk, they don't have to know about the drugs.

I tell doctors I do pot, but I'm in canada not the us.

My doctor knows I use weed hell I go and see her on drugs.

I really hate this thread with a passion but I guess I'll leave it up cause I am still very hurt and am really struggling hard to not end it all. Nothing that going to hospital can fix, I mean real hardcore deciding rather I want to live and I am on the losing side I feel like. I am pretty sure I am going to hurt myself in a few days and possibly tonight.

I am fighting a losing battle and the answer is becoming clearer and clearer.

Sounds like you are having a hard time in general, not just because of the fight with your Dad. I think you should go to your doctor and tell him/her that you are having suicidal and thoughts of self-harm. Mental illness carries the same risks of physical harm as other illnesses. Since you are open to drugs, you may be able to find a useful prescription drug.

Sucks to feel the way you are feeling. Don't worry about the future and don't think about the past. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and you'll get to another place.

It sounds like you are very angry right now. This could be why you are having trouble communicating with your mother. Anger gets in the way of communication.
Of course it matters that you are feeling this way. People don't like to see others suffer. Trouble is sometimes they just don't know what to do to help.
I think you need to calm down. Focus on your slowing your breathing. Right now things suck, but that doesn't mean they always will. Mental pain is as bad as physical. Sometimes you just have to wait for it to pass.

This is true, its more depression than anger but they come from the same emotion, I hate myself.

I am sorry for the post that was here an all of 10 minutes because pretty much lost it for a min and came back to reality but thats how close I am to the edge. I don't see a way out when you have lost the battle that much, I mean there is no choice, How can I ever get better if I am out numbered on the battle field 1000 to 1?

You do have a choice. This isn't a battlefield. There are people you can reach out to, especially your doctor.

Things may never be perfect, but there probably will be some better times. You are not out of options.