Now I'm worried my boyfriend's daughter might move in

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As some of you already know from a previous Haven post of mine, my boyfriend's daughter has just come out of a marriage that didn't go too well, and is temporarily going to crash at my boyfriend's apartment in the spare bedroom. Well, I am hoping it's temporary and won't become a new home for her. In the UK getting new place of your own is really hard if you are British, even if you work hard and earn a good wage like she does.

My boyfriend has said to her about our important private times, and I think she understands, but she might get too comfortable and end up moving herself in. She's his daughter so he doesn't want to make her feel unwanted, and I don't know how to tell him that I hope she doesn't end up moving in, because I don't want to sound selfish or like one of those partners who doesn't like the spouse's family.

She is seeing another girl (she's lesbian by the way, her previous marriage was with a girl), and they are planning on finding a place together. For some reason or other there's no room for her to stay with her where she currently lives....but what if they can't find a place together, so she permanently moves into my boyfriend's then moves her new girlfriend in too?

I think my boyfriend has hinted to me that he rather not her stay at his, but she is his family after all. I've always only wanted to live with a loving man and it just be us two, any more than one person living under the same roof as me causes me to feel stressed. I learnt that from living with my own, beloved family.

I just feel helpless in this situation. Powerless. If she was my relative it might be a bit easier for me to help take a little control of the situation, but because it's his relative, I feel I should just stand back and be quiet. How can I talk to him about my worry without making it look like I'm disapproving of helping his daughter out?

Hints don't work. Talk it out. Let your feelings known.

It seems likely his daughter would prefer to not have to move in with her dad too. If she does end up moving in you'll just have to find a way around it somehow. You're in your own place right now, aren't you, and just go to his to visit, right? But it's definitely best to say that you think it will be uncomfortable with all 3 of you around a lot of the time. Don't leave your bf in the dark. And I think you are being selfish, but I also that that's 100% OK.

It's not selfish to take care of your own legitimate needs. Can you explain to all involved that you have a medical condition that makes it very hard for you to have others around? Explain what makes it so hard for you like if it's sounds, lights, smells, etc. I am not very good with analogies but maybe this poor one will help you think of a better one. If a person was allergic to lilies, you would not bring a whole bunch of lilly flowers into their home because you know it would set off their symptoms. Or for a person with a peanut allergy, you would not have anything with peanuts in it near them, that could prove deadly. A person can't control what they are allergic to. Explain to them that in the same way an autistic person can't control what things they can and cannot tolerate and having more than just you and your boyfriend under the same roof is not something you can tolerate. Make sure you stress to them that it's not just the daughter and her girlfriend, but that you would have these reactions to but it is anyone in the world, because that's just how your brain is wired. You can tell them you have a friend (me) who can't tolerate sleeping in the same room much the less the same bed as her husband. My brother has a friend with Asperger's and he can't tolerate living in the same house with his wife. They live in two separate houses side by side. That's how severe his sensitivities are.

Why can't he visit you instead? Just wondering.

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He does visit me sometimes, but I prefer to go to his, as I will soon be moving in as soon as I find a job in his local area. It's 25 miles away from my family home (where I currently live), and he works full time while I work part time, so it's just easier for me to get to his.

With the daughter there, I feel I can't relax. She's nice, but to be honest, I don't really know what to say to her. We have nothing in common; she's a loud extraverted young person, while I'm quiet and reserved (like my boyfriend), and we like different things. I feel I can't really be myself with her living there, while I can be when it's just me and my boyfriend.

She's got all her personal stuff there now, some of it is in our bedroom because it won't all fit in the spare room. So it feels hectic and cluttered.

But...um...I haven't told him about my sh***y AS. I once hinted that I have it, but he just said I definitely haven't got that. I don't plan on telling people that I have AS any more, because of all the stigma about Aspies being angry serial killers has frightened me. I don't want people to think I'm capable of such terrible crimes like that.
I could say about my social anxiety. But it still might make me sound negative. I don't want to hurt anybody's feelings.

I would be pretty disappointed in any SO close enough that we'd move in together, who wouldn't tell me about an AS diagnosis or social anxiety, etc.

Sweetie, I'm thinking that you not telling the man you plan to marry that you have this condition (Aspergers), is a far bigger problem than the presence of his daughter. I can understand your reluctance, but I'm of the same school of thought as Fnord, you have to be able to talk about this stuff.

No. I do not want people to know that I'm associated with Autism. More and more murderers are saying they have Autism, and it is giving Aspies a bad name. I don't like it. I don't want my boyfriend to think I'm going to start stabbing him to death when he least expects it.

That f*****g word is NOT going to be revealed. I'm just going to say about my GAD and SAD and ADD.

According to your profile you're not even sure you have autism. (Unless that has changed) If you can explain your issues in terms of other disorders, I think that's fine. It's too bad about the negative publicity for autism, but I can see your side of it.