In two weeks school will be over.
No. No, no, no, please. f**k.
Goodbye social life. Goodbye place to go. Goodbye excuse to get away from horrible uncomfortable home. Goodbye writing assignments to exploit into ways to write part of my novel, and goodbye simultaneously forcing myself to write my novel.
I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't know how I'm going to spend my uncomfortable days. I hate weekends. I HATE THEM. And summer's like one endless weekend, except without homework...it's not that I like homework. I don't. But it gives me purpose...it gives me something that I have to do, on time...and in that period of dismal work I can, for a few seconds at a time, forget about all the discomfort.
I don't want to live here, but I can't move. I've discussed why in other threads.
I get depressed, every summer...I hate having to be around my family, but I need them to drive me places, and I don't even have anywhere to go now. I don't want a job because I HATE menial labor...I hate those f*****g jobs ANYONE can do. They depress me to no end. I just wish I had something to do...some excuse to get out there...some way of seeing people, connecting with real people. Friends, who'd actually call me...who actually cared. And, as I've ranted about before, a lover that I could actually relate to....
I could wish for so many things, come up with so many ideals, and it still wouldn't change the fact that nothing in my life is remotely how I want it...except my grades, but I don't honestly care that much about them at this point. I don't do my homework for that A. I do my homework because it's something to DO that has a due date....
I have my story to tell, no matter how long it takes to write it...I have my story to tell...and that's what I'm trying to cling to. I want to die. But I don't want to be a number, don't want to be another meaningless statistic of another suicidal aspie who just couldn't take it.
It's so f*****g hot today. This weather...THIS is what spring and summer is like...this dry abyss of a desert-like sun, horrifyingly misplaced and shining its dreadful rays upon a suburbia I wish I didn't live in....
WHY DOES IT HAVE TO KEEP HURTING? WHY DOES EVERYTHING HAVE TO ALWAYS ITCH? WHY DOESN'T IT EVER GO AWAY? WHY CAN'T I EAT ANYTHING WITHOUT FEELING NAUSIATED? WHY CAN'T I DRINK WATER WITHOUT FEELING NAUSIATED? WHY DON'T MY f*****g DOCTORS KNOW WHAT THIS s**t IS AND WHY DON'T THEIR f*****g MEDS HELP? WHY DOES EVERYTHING THAT SEEMS LIKE IT WILL MAKE ME HAPPY TURN OUT TO MAKE ME FEEL MISERABLE IN THE END? WHY DO I KEEP RAISING MY HOPES, WISHING THAT THINGS WOULD GET BETTER AND TELLING MYSELF THAT IT'S POSSIBLE, WHEN EVERY SINGLE f*****g TIME I TRUST SOMEONE LIKE THEY ALWAYS TELL ME TO, EVERY SINGLE f*****g TIME I'LL TAKE THEIR WORD FOR IT THAT THEY'RE HONEST...they never are, are they?
I don't even agree with most goths I meet about most things...I've considered myself gothic for a long time, and I still do...but it's like...I like all those media stereotype goth bands like Marilyn Manson and Evanescence and Cradle of Filth, those bands that few actual goths like anymore because they're too mainstream...but they're too gothic for most people who aren't gothic to enjoy. And I don't like blood...I'm not into S&M...and I refuse to act like someone I'm not to be like them. Where are the romantics? Those who like the more elegant, glamorous, kind but disillusioned sort of gothic? The f*****s at VampireFreaks...that's the kind of people that are in gothic-industrial culture? Or Deus_ex_machina here, with his constant self-righteousness and elitism? Calling me a "newbie rivethead" just because I can see the bigger picture, and think genres are open to interpretation, seeing as music is an ART and few bands worth mentioning fit exactly into a single genre...GOTHIC ISN'T JUST f*****g BAUHAUS! WHY DO ALL THESE THINGS I LOVE, WHICH HAVE BEEN CALLED GOTHIC BY EVERYTHING EXCEPT ELITIST GOTHS...WHAT THE f**k ARE THEY, THEN? AND EVEN DRESSING LIKE ONE, WHY CAN'T I EVER BE LOOKING LIKE I WANT? I can't afford buying those expensive pretty clothes, and hell they'd probably be uncomfortable...but I want to be attractive...I wish I could tollerate make up on my face. Or dying my hair. Or that I hadn't picked my face to shreds with my fingernails.
I wish someone loved me for who I was...someone I actually KNOW. Who actually could show it...and be there for me. Wasn't too busy with everyone else...I wish I knew somebody in real life whose favorites list was remotely similar to mine, who liked more than one of my favorite bands...and didn't like s**t I couldn't stand....
If I'm such a "romantic," and as "not desperate" as I like to think, then why do I masturbate so often? Why do I come up with so many f****d up concepts? Why am I so obsessed with succubi, the sleaziest of creatures? Oh, I know why...because I'm so sick of being turned down by every girl I've ever had feelings for that I want to be seduced. I want to not have to do a f*****g thing, rather than wasting so much emotion and energy trying to get up the courage to approach a girl who'll never feel the same way, and won't even bother being friends....
This nausia is psychosomatic, isn't it? That, or allergies, but not even vaccuuming this room every day will get rid of all the dust, and then there's the mildew under the floorboards...and those f*****g mosquitos....
It'll never be good, will it? I'll still have to deal with all of this, with this sensory defensive BS and I'll never be able to appeal to a girl because I don't enjoy things like other guys...I don't like so many things. I don't like SO MANY things...so many experiences that people take for granted, and get so bothered when they find out I hate doing them...especially food. Dating means resteraunts to some people, and I'm so f*****g picky about food that...god, I don't even f*****g know.....
Say that "The Veresae Legendarium" becomes a huge best-seller and gets a shedload of praise and even a classic status. I STILL WOULDN'T BE HAPPY. I'd still be uncomfortable and lonely in everyday life, struggling to find someone who could understand, who could tollerate all the BS that I can't even tollerate...I can't deal with myself, I can't put up with myself in my life, how could anyone else? I can't even make friends, and you can't be someone's lover without being their friend if you expect it to last....
Maybe I should just lie down in bed all f*****g day. Stop bothering to check MySpace so damn often...it's not like I'm actually going to get a f*****g response....
What am I going to do with myself...how can I make any of this better? How will I tollerate this summer, which will be even lonelier than I feel now? At least now I have brief moments of conversation with people at school....
07 May 2007, 1:41 am
I wish I could help you. 
