Why I will catch the bus someday

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I do not speak for anyone else here, but I am tired of life and these are the reasons I will catch the bus someday...

Don't worry, I am not suicidal.

I still have one remaining elderly relative who is alive and who cares a great deal about me. If he passes away, there is a 100% chance that I will off myself.

However, I do need to vent....

Asperger Syndrome is a very lonely condition.

All the mental health profession wants to do is to drug you up (I'm on enough pharmaceutical drugs to make the Rx companies extremely happy)

If you have a crisis, it is either
A). An emergency or
B). Not an emergency.

If you are in A) (an emergency), they send you to the psych ward to... guess what?? Drug you up more!!

If it is not an emergency, you are given a list of phone numbers for resources that DO NOT exist. The resource I need is intensive case management. In my city, this does not exist unless you have the "right" kind of health insurance. Believe me, I tried....

So the bottom line is, if you are feeling utterly alone and in despair, you are given
A). The option to enter a psych ward and be heaped with piles of new drugs
or
B). Given a cold "hand off" - i.e. a bunch of phone numbers to call (I find it overwhelming to call people I don't know and whom I'd probably have to beg for assistance).

Believe me, if the resources in the area were enough to pull me out of my despair, this would be a non-issue.

The other problem that I have is: In the future when I do become acutely suicidal (if something happens to the only member of my family that cares about me that is left on the planet), EVERYONE will be telling me not to kill myself.

The problem is, when the time comes that I am completely alone in this world, I will have no reason to go on.

In my book, there is no reason not to kill myself if that time does come.

I am an agnostic but close to being an atheist. I know this sounds silly, but I do not know whether God exists, but I have serious, serious doubts.

Without the comfort of a religion, it is just me against the world. The world is too overwhelming and stressful for me, with not enough help.

If I vent, people will assume that because I'm severely depressed, that I somehow am not trying hard enough.

There is literally no way out.

Just me against the world. I have a supportive and compassionate therapist, but she will not be there during my darkest moments, because the session is only an hour long.

What exactly would drive me to continue existing?? I cannot see the logic of continuing to exist, when in this increasingly complicated world, I have to BEG for help. The world is overly populated - no one would miss me if the only remaining elderly relative that I have, dies. I will be completely alone.

Beyond my only remaining family (1 person), no one will have the time that I require to help me. There are too many people that need help. I am just a number.

The world is dog eat dog, and I will be devoured by unscrupulous people if I have to fend for myself. I don't experience enough joy in life to justify the continued agony...

Again, I am not suicidal. Am just venting, as I foresee a hopeless future where there are no answers....

Thanks for reading....

p.s. In all of the above, I do not speak for anyone else here, it is my personal experience only. Perhaps in cities that others live, you have the support and resources to make you feel less isolated on a daily basis

I completely get your situation.

There's nothing wrong, at all, in conveying your personal experience.

I hope you catch the bus when it stops, rather than catching it when it's thrown at you

Thank you all. Glad someone understands

I hope you're not feeling down today.