She's being a bad sister

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Summer_Twilight
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30 Mar 2021, 1:00 pm

I recently confronted my youngest about the way she has been mistreating me and she doesn't seem to get it. She basically wrote, "I am not sure why you are acting like this, I am sorry you feel the way you do but you need to get over it and go lead a fulfilling life, Thank you for the well wishes." (She is getting married) Anyway, here is why:

1. A few years ago, she contacted me out of the blue and said she was planning on stopping by to see me for lunch after going on vacation with some friends of hers. Being that we had not seen each other for 11 years, I had wanted to join her but she said no.

2. Two years ago, my aunt had a stroke and I bent over backward to tell her so she could tell my family. When she died, I did not get any flowers or cards from her or them

3. Then my dad developed Parkinson's Disease and she created a fundraiser so he could have surgery and left me out. When I found out, I attempted to share it but she blocked me from it.

Well no, I can't just get over something like that, in fact, I can't forget what she pulled. Can I forgive her? Yes, but I can't trust her.



BeaArthur
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30 Mar 2021, 2:50 pm

You and she don't understand each other. She's at a point in life where she'd just prefer to distance herself rather than understand and accept you. It's unforgiveable not to let you know about important family events like a death. So if I were you, I wouldn't trust this person, either.


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Summer_Twilight
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30 Mar 2021, 3:09 pm

Bea, there was a time where she and I were closer, but when she became a young adult is when she seemed to start getting an attitude.

When it comes to forgiveness, that doesn't mean I go back and make up with her and then take more. Rather, it means I acknowledge what she pulled but I don't let her control my emotions anymore.

I don't want to go to her wedding and be around her or a bunch of family members who don't understand my situation or the fact that I have a disability.



Mona Pereth
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30 Mar 2021, 3:14 pm

Summer_Twilight wrote:
I recently confronted my youngest

Your youngest what? I assume you mean your youngest sister? (Usually when people say "my youngest" with no noun following, they mean their youngest child, but that doesn't seem to be what you meant.)

Summer_Twilight wrote:
about the way she has been mistreating me and she doesn't seem to get it. She basically wrote, "I am not sure why you are acting like this, I am sorry you feel the way you do but you need to get over it and go lead a fulfilling life, Thank you for the well wishes." (She is getting married) Anyway, here is why:

Of the three things you mentioned, only the third seems to me like a serious slight. Of course you would want to be involved in a fundraiser for your Dad. Why on Earth did she exclude you from such a thing??? That sounds really snotty of her.

As for the other two things, however:

Summer_Twilight wrote:
1. A few years ago, she contacted me out of the blue and said she was planning on stopping by to see me for lunch after going on vacation with some friends of hers. Being that we had not seen each other for 11 years, I had wanted to join her but she said no.

You had wanted to join her in what? The vacation with some friends of hers? Lots of people, especially young people, go on vacations with friends, apart from family. (I would see this as a serious slight had she chosen to go on vacation with other family members, excluding you. But doing things with friends, apart from family, is part of the normal process of growing up and becoming independent.) She did also want to see you, for lunch, separately from her vacation with her friends. So what's wrong here? Or am I missing something here?

Summer_Twilight wrote:
2. Two years ago, my aunt had a stroke and I bent over backward to tell her so she could tell my family. When she died, I did not get any flowers or cards from her or them

Usually, sympathy cards are sent to the immediate family of the deceased. I have never, ever heard of anyone sending a sympathy card or flowers to the niece or nephew of the deceased. Or does your family have a different custom in this regard?

Summer_Twilight wrote:
3. Then my dad developed Parkinson's Disease and she created a fundraiser so he could have surgery and left me out. When I found out, I attempted to share it but she blocked me from it.

As I said, this does indeed sound like a serious slight. What was her stated reason/excuse for this?


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Summer_Twilight
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30 Mar 2021, 4:39 pm

1. Yes, my youngest sister.
2. My dad and I are not on speaking terms but I wanted to contribute something but she would not let me. When my aunt had her stroke, I bent over backward and let her know. That said, she did not have the courtesy to tell me he had Parkinson's Disease.
3. My aunt and I had a mother and daughter type of relationship that I didn't have with my own mom.
4. We had not seen each other in 11 years and it would have been nice to go down and visit and spend a day with her.


She's 24 and she's at the age where she thinks she knows it all and seems to think she's better.



BeaArthur
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30 Mar 2021, 6:12 pm

Summer_Twilight wrote:
I don't want to go to her wedding and be around her or a bunch of family members who don't understand my situation or the fact that I have a disability.

So don't go. That's always an option.


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Sylkat
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30 Mar 2021, 7:12 pm

Sometimes you have to make hard decisions for yourself.
If someone has grown in a direction that has changed them from a person you used to be close to, perhaps you are seeing a person who is not who you only wish they are.
Perhaps for your own peace of mind you and she would be better off going in your own directions.


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Mona Pereth
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30 Mar 2021, 7:46 pm

Sylkat wrote:
Sometimes you have to make hard decisions for yourself.
If someone has grown in a direction that has changed them from a person you used to be close to, perhaps you are seeing a person who is not who you only wish they are.
Perhaps for your own peace of mind you and she would be better off going in your own directions.

Only if there is no other way to resolve the situation.

I'm not a fan of breaking up families without very good reason. Other options, if any, should be tried first, in my opinion.


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Mona Pereth
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30 Mar 2021, 8:00 pm

Summer_Twilight wrote:
1. Yes, my youngest sister.
2. My dad and I are not on speaking terms but I wanted to contribute something but she would not let me.

Sounds like some complicated family politics here, not just your sister being snooty. Why were you and your father not on speaking terms? (No need to answer if you don't feel okay about discussing this now.)

Summer_Twilight wrote:
When my aunt had her stroke, I bent over backward and let her know. That said, she did not have the courtesy to tell me he had Parkinson's Disease.

Perhaps she assumed you hated him and wouldn't care?

Still, by offering to contribute some money, you showed that you did care after all. It seems rather petty for her to refuse a donation from you.

Summer_Twilight wrote:
3. My aunt and I had a mother and daughter type of relationship that I didn't have with my own mom.

I see. That's why you feel like you should have been treated like a member of her immediate family.

Summer_Twilight wrote:
4. We had not seen each other in 11 years and it would have been nice to go down and visit and spend a day with her.

She's 24 and she's at the age where she thinks she knows it all and seems to think she's better.

When was the last time you had a talk with her about these matters?

Staying away from her wedding doesn't seem to me like a good idea. That would just deepen tensions in the family, it seems to me. But it would be highly desirable for you to reach some sort of mutual understanding with her if at all possible. I would need to hear more details before I could make any worthwhile suggestions on how to go about this.

EDIT: Offhand, my thought is that if you decide to confront her about any of this stuff, it would probably be best to keep a laser focus on the single issue of why she refused to accept a donation from you on behalf of your father. If she thinks so badly of you that she would refuse to accept a donation from you, even to help your father, then it's no surprise that she would snub you in various other ways as well. Moreover, her refusal of the donation was a very concrete act, with consequences for your father as well as for you, that can't be denied or dismissed as "nothing."


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Summer_Twilight
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31 Mar 2021, 8:24 am

Bea, we really don't talk that much but I have been trying to let her know how I feel. Also, I doubt I am invited being there has been an ongoing conflict with her for the last few years.

I grew up in a dysfunctional family next related issues of mental illness. In every dysfunctional family there is a scapegoat. I happen to be the family scapegoat. My family members are abusive to me.

On top of that, a dysfunctional family comes with a truth teller, who usually calls out bad behavior for what it is. A truth teller is often the black sheep.

As to why my sister left me out, I think she gets it from my parents and other sister who are very self-righteous, selfish, self-centered, self-absorbed, and stuck-up.



BeaArthur
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31 Mar 2021, 9:32 am

Summer_Twilight wrote:
Bea, we really don't talk that much but I have been trying to let her know how I feel. Also, I doubt I am invited being there has been an ongoing conflict with her for the last few years.

I grew up in a dysfunctional family next related issues of mental illness. In every dysfunctional family there is a scapegoat. I happen to be the family scapegoat. My family members are abusive to me.

On top of that, a dysfunctional family comes with a truth teller, who usually calls out bad behavior for what it is. A truth teller is often the black sheep.

As to why my sister left me out, I think she gets it from my parents and other sister who are very self-righteous, selfish, self-centered, self-absorbed, and stuck-up.

I know all about dysfunctional families and their scapegoating. I was a scapegoat too.

The smartest thing I ever did was to create my own future family and stop giving much energy to my family-of-origin. My first effort wasn't the biggest success, but I am happy now.

One thing I notice about you, though, is you nurse a grudge. For example, that congregation that made you feel excluded still comes up now and then. It would be healthier for you if you could just "let it go."


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Summer_Twilight
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31 Mar 2021, 11:05 am

Bea, you are right. I have been nursing a grudge and I am trying to work through it with a counselor. I don't want to be mad at these people forever and honestly I hate it.


I especially hold a grudge if things don't turn out the way I would have wanted them too but that is no excuse.

As for my family members, if they can't respect or at least where I am coming from then I have no time for them. I certainly have no time for people who are going to be snotty with me. As for that congregation, they are snotty as well.