Feeling lower than ever before.

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Marknis
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09 Jun 2020, 1:04 am

I wish I could go back to how I was earlier in the year before COVID came along and messed up everything. I didn’t know I could feel any lower than I do now. Ever since April, I have been spiraling downward deeper to depths mentally I have never been before.

I can’t sleep without medication now since my mind will swarm with negative thoughts to the point I get insomnia but even when I wake up, I don’t want to get out of bed. If I don’t have to work, I’ll just lie there until half of the day is gone. I suffer from anhedonia and can’t find any enjoyment out of anything. I had some books in mind that I thought I would enjoy reading but I found them frustrating instead. Reading used to help my mind and now it is a source of stress for me. I haven’t touched my guitar for a few weeks now and don’t know if I ever will again since I can’t get better at it. Even if I try playing a video game, I still think about my struggles instead of getting distracted from them.

I can’t listen to music I like without feeling defeated since I can’t make my own and all the years I tried to do so were for nothing. This also ties in with the problem I have with video games, especially ones that have well-established composers. I am even questioning my status as a fan of the various mediums I like. It doesn’t matter if it’s comics, anime, manga, video games, music, and science fiction of any avenue. I have all these ideals that my mind keeps bringing up that tell me I am lacking in regards to being a consumer of these things.



kraftiekortie
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09 Jun 2020, 6:05 am

When will the TMS start?



Marknis
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09 Jun 2020, 8:25 am

Still haven’t gotten an appointment scheduled. I had to give written permission to the clinic for my mother to pay for the procedure.



Marknis
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09 Jun 2020, 4:53 pm

I really hope TMS will fix my malfunctioning brain. I want to actually live and not suffer anymore.



Marknis
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10 Jun 2020, 1:11 pm

I think about death every day. It doesn’t matter what I do. Thoughts of death cloud my mind.



Marknis
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10 Jun 2020, 4:25 pm

Why was I even born?



IsabellaLinton
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10 Jun 2020, 4:27 pm

Marknis wrote:
Still haven’t gotten an appointment scheduled. I had to give written permission to the clinic for my mother to pay for the procedure.


Are you able to scan your signature to the clinic?

Alternatively you pay for the treatment yourself and your parents reimburse you, if that would save time on scheduling.

I'm sorry you're feeling so down.



Marknis
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10 Jun 2020, 9:34 pm

IsabellaLinton wrote:
Marknis wrote:
Still haven’t gotten an appointment scheduled. I had to give written permission to the clinic for my mother to pay for the procedure.


Are you able to scan your signature to the clinic?

Alternatively you pay for the treatment yourself and your parents reimburse you, if that would save time on scheduling.

I'm sorry you're feeling so down.


No, I had to write it on a permission form.

I feel like I am slowly dying.



IsabellaLinton
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10 Jun 2020, 9:41 pm

Marknis wrote:
IsabellaLinton wrote:
Marknis wrote:
Still haven’t gotten an appointment scheduled. I had to give written permission to the clinic for my mother to pay for the procedure.


Are you able to scan your signature to the clinic?

Alternatively you pay for the treatment yourself and your parents reimburse you, if that would save time on scheduling.

I'm sorry you're feeling so down.


No, I had to write it on a permission form.

I feel like I am slowly dying.


I know. I mean they can email you the form, you can sign it, and you can scan it back to them.

Sometimes they'll want you to scan a photo of your ID onto the signature page if you aren't there in person.

Is there a reason why you can't go in person, by the way?



Marknis
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11 Jun 2020, 12:08 am

IsabellaLinton wrote:
Marknis wrote:
IsabellaLinton wrote:
Marknis wrote:
Still haven’t gotten an appointment scheduled. I had to give written permission to the clinic for my mother to pay for the procedure.


Are you able to scan your signature to the clinic?

Alternatively you pay for the treatment yourself and your parents reimburse you, if that would save time on scheduling.

I'm sorry you're feeling so down.


No, I had to write it on a permission form.

I feel like I am slowly dying.


I know. I mean they can email you the form, you can sign it, and you can scan it back to them.

Sometimes they'll want you to scan a photo of your ID onto the signature page if you aren't there in person.

Is there a reason why you can't go in person, by the way?


I went in person to sign it so I am not sure why you ask why I can’t go in person.



IsabellaLinton
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11 Jun 2020, 8:11 am

Marknis wrote:
IsabellaLinton wrote:
Marknis wrote:
IsabellaLinton wrote:
Marknis wrote:
Still haven’t gotten an appointment scheduled. I had to give written permission to the clinic for my mother to pay for the procedure.


Are you able to scan your signature to the clinic?

Alternatively you pay for the treatment yourself and your parents reimburse you, if that would save time on scheduling.

I'm sorry you're feeling so down.


No, I had to write it on a permission form.

I feel like I am slowly dying.


I know. I mean they can email you the form, you can sign it, and you can scan it back to them.

Sometimes they'll want you to scan a photo of your ID onto the signature page if you aren't there in person.

Is there a reason why you can't go in person, by the way?


I went in person to sign it so I am not sure why you ask why I can’t go in person.


I'm sorry! I was half asleep and didn't realise you had already signed it. My bad (and my bad reading vision).

Please let us know when you get your appointment. We're all rooting for you!!



Marknis
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11 Jun 2020, 11:57 am

I hope it comes soon. I can’t stop feeling horrible with each passing day.



specialsauce
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11 Jun 2020, 1:25 pm

Marknis wrote:
I wish I could go back to how I was earlier in the year before COVID came along and messed up everything. I didn’t know I could feel any lower than I do now. Ever since April, I have been spiraling downward deeper to depths mentally I have never been before.

I can’t sleep without medication now since my mind will swarm with negative thoughts to the point I get insomnia but even when I wake up, I don’t want to get out of bed. If I don’t have to work, I’ll just lie there until half of the day is gone. I suffer from anhedonia and can’t find any enjoyment out of anything. I had some books in mind that I thought I would enjoy reading but I found them frustrating instead. Reading used to help my mind and now it is a source of stress for me. I haven’t touched my guitar for a few weeks now and don’t know if I ever will again since I can’t get better at it. Even if I try playing a video game, I still think about my struggles instead of getting distracted from them.

I can’t listen to music I like without feeling defeated since I can’t make my own and all the years I tried to do so were for nothing. This also ties in with the problem I have with video games, especially ones that have well-established composers. I am even questioning my status as a fan of the various mediums I like. It doesn’t matter if it’s comics, anime, manga, video games, music, and science fiction of any avenue. I have all these ideals that my mind keeps bringing up that tell me I am lacking in regards to being a consumer of these things.


I can relate to how you feel. I have guitars I never practice, aspirations of making music too.

Last weekend me and a friend got together and tried to record some music, it was awful. I was having to Google how to use my own equipment in front of my friend, because I hardly use it. But he was full of ambition to make the song and that motivated me.

What I would recommend is to find someone like you who wants to make music but doesn't have much experience.

It could be someone online, I'd be up for it, but I'm pretty flaky.



Marknis
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11 Jun 2020, 7:32 pm

None of my friends who live in my area play musical instruments or show any interest in doing so.



Marknis
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11 Jun 2020, 11:11 pm

I have a lot of regrets that I’ll never be able to make up for. A major one was walking out on Black Sabbath when they came to perform at Dallas for Ozzfest 2005. It wasn’t that I didn’t like their performance but I had school the following day so I felt like I needed to go back home sooner rather than later and I stupidly thought hearing them perform a handful of songs off the Paranoid album was going to be enough. Now that the band is broken up, all chances to make up for that moment are gone forever.

I feel so stupid for walking out. Black Sabbath’s music was better than any of the mainstream rap, country, and radio rock the kids at school liked and it was a rare opportunity to see a legendary band perform.



IsabellaLinton
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11 Jun 2020, 11:22 pm

Marknis wrote:
I have a lot of regrets that I’ll never be able to make up for. A major one was walking out on Black Sabbath when they came to perform at Dallas for Ozzfest 2005. It wasn’t that I didn’t like their performance but I had school the following day so I felt like I needed to go back home sooner rather than later and I stupidly thought hearing them perform a handful of songs off the Paranoid album was going to be enough. Now that the band is broken up, all chances to make up for that moment are gone forever.

I feel so stupid for walking out. Black Sabbath’s music was better than any of the mainstream rap, country, and radio rock the kids at school liked and it was a rare opportunity to see a legendary band perform.


I saw Sabbath, and OZZY solo with Zakk Wylde. I understand the regret but don't beat yourself up over it. One of my bucket list wishes was to see Red Hot Chili Peppers live, ideally in California. I had tickets and sold them because my friend backed out. I could have gone with someone else but I decided to sell at a huge profit. I regretted that for a really long time because I'm sure I won't get the opportunity again, but what can you do.

I love OZZY and I worry about his health. Maybe we can post some music. :heart:

By the way Zakk Wylde was insane and could play with the guitar behind his back. :skull: