cut myself

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Cut my arm for the first time yesterday after the only friend who I really had left in town that I thought I could talk to basically told me we weren't good friends. I then proceeded to cry/scream loudly for a few minutes before leaving my apartment barefoot to go the business a few doors down that my ex owns that we could both have easily owned which he's banned me from because he says he's scared of me even though still had been having sex regularly, and talking, and being nice and mushy but all explicitly only out of public eyes. Made a bit of a scene and got taken to the hospital in short order because one of the apartments nearby me had called earlier. The only other store employee, who'd been a friend to hang out with in the past and who only even got that job because of me, then had the gall (haha) to tell me didn't know I was generally feeling so bad when he literally had not contacted me for months.

The thing I wanted to talk with the first friend was about how I've decided to be done with my ex. I'd decided that a few days before that when upon talking to him he still wouldn't let me hang out in the gamestore (has tables and games and stuff and runs events etc that I used to participate in and where I actually had a somewhat social life) because he 'didn't trust me'. That was pretty much the last straw; why was I still hoping for maintaining a relationship of any sort with a man who doesn't trust me to not become physically violent, or verbally abusive, when I never had been to anyone but myself? Sure I've yelled a few times, but I've never put him down, and the most yelling was always in my own distress from actions or things he's said to me. He's scared of me and he always brings it up whenever we fight that I was abusive. Accuses me of it. He's constantly hot then cold on me, blocks me from his life and then loves it when he lets me come running back to him. But he pushes away more and more everytime and the last one that lead to us only ever talking in secret I wasn't even doing anything remotely wrong. The blocking me always seems to come out of the blue.

I'm done with his BS and his blame, and it's really f*****g hard to move on, and I wanted to talk about that with my friend but I couldn't get that far. Instead she got pissy at me because I didn't like it once when she said 'you punch like a girl' as an insult and I don't know how many brothers and sisters she has (who, btw, she's only ever talked about her brother and they're not full, they're half or step and when I wanted to invite people to a birthday party I was going throw her I wanted to invite her family but she asked me not to.)

So yeah, I was drunk (only because my pot dealer has disappeared) and overwhelmed and pretty upset that I now have no friends.

Here I am. Left a marriage for this guy, starts out wonderfully, seems still wonderful to me, he loses a job, we start a business (oh yes, I also gave me thousands of dollars to start up this business that I will not get back because I didn't feel the need for a legally binding agreement), the stress piles up and my depression starts to sink in, and as I get depressed he kept blocking me from his life. Saying we're broken up, making me leave the apartment for days at a time, me telling him I felt suicidal resulted in that I think. Taking complete control over the business, the thing was holding me together the most while depressed.

Stupid 'friend' who always came to me for advice and help and to tell me about her relationship issues couldn't even listen to mine. She started listing off all the things she's done for me as if I haven't don't anything about being a friends. I lent her money regularly since becoming friends, and stood up for her and behind her back when people talked about her. So I suck and going out and doing things, I'm sorry that I'm too depressed and I don't even get out of bed lots of the time.

I'm so sick of this.

The sad part is that people see cuts and blood and think I must be really really bad, but I wasn't suicidal. I'm actually doing much better mentally than I have been for awhile. Could be that meds and therapy and weed and meditation etc are helping, or maybe it's just that it's summer again. It just makes me angry how no one understands how much mental anguish I was in when I was suicidal, because clearly -now- I must have been something awful for me to take a knife to my arm in the first place.

fml

You should do whatever makes you feel better. As long as you aren't trying to kill yourself cutting yourself is okay. It sounds like all of the people in your life really suck. I would recommend you should stop talking to all of them and find new people to talk to.

Hi, Sorry to hear you are at this low point of not having any true friends left to talk to. I've been there too. Also been at the point where I don't feel like ever getting out of bed. It can be hard to go into business with family or friends. Maybe you should cut the guy off of the sexual benefits of your relationshipship? Seems like he is using you big time for that and for the money you put into the business. Do you have any friends or family that live far away where you could go for a while to get away from this all and think about steps to take to move on? Sorry I don't have any easy answers for you. Just wanted you to know someone was listening.

I'm cutting off everything about him relationship wise unless he tells me he trusts me again. Which is what he tells me he wants before he swings back into wanting me around in his life. He's not -just- using me for sex, he uses me for moral support too when he's having a bad day, and we truly do still have mutual bonding moments. I somehow forgot to say that i was also only allowed to contact him when he wanted because he's otherwise too scared of me. It was a condition I brought up so i could still have him in my life, but I just can't do that anymore. He wants utter control over every aspect of us and when he doesn't have it he flips his s**t and cuts me off.

I can move back in with my parents if I want, far away. I can move cities if I want. That takes away independence though, something I need to find at some point in my life.

I am really sh***y at finding friends, especially when the nerd store is the place that draws the people I like to hang out with to it. This town I live in is not big, 20k people at most, lots of retirees. Being jobless and not having energy for most hobbies makes it exceptionally hard to find friends for me, not that I was good at it before. I hang out WP for a reason. People who know me call me weird; if I'm not allowed to be my weird self most of the time with people then I don't want to hang out with them. I'm either too superficial or too intimate with most people. I'm not a typical girl I would be most comfortable wearing moomoos as everyday wear with shorts underneath to prevent chaffing.

Thank you for the replies.

It just hurts so f*****g much because I still love him. I guess that's what happens with your first love, my first relationship I've been in love. Everyone says that it feels like there will never be anyone else after your first love, and that's exactly what I feel like. He felt/feels like a soulmate; that's not a replaceable thing, and I don't -want- it replaced.

Am I being a fool for still wanting to have this guy in my life? Am I abusive? I spent hours earlier reading if I was an abuser or a victim and I still can't decide. Ultimately it doesn't matter as long as we work through issues but to my ex it does. A lot. He's convinced I'm abusive and therefore he should not be with me. Period.

I'm angry at him for keeping me from even hanging out at the business (much less helping out and working at it again which I would still like) and how he lords it over that it's HIS and me coming into it is invading HIS space, even though last night was the first time I'd ever made a scene at HIS business.

It's like he pushes me to acting crazy and then says 'See? You're acting crazy, you're not trustworthy'

You're a very viable and smart person.

I hope you two can talk this out, and prevent this stuff from happening in the future.

Ah KK, if we get back together properly it will be years from now. He's going through therapy still, he's going to see a clinical psychologist likely, which will likely get him a few diagnoses. The one psychiatrist said he didn't have ASD but it was definitely a thing he was close to having. (Granted, that psychiatrist seemed like he himself had an ASD, either that or I'd made him super nervous when I was talking to him.) He will likely be going into a group therapy in a month or so too, one of the classes I might have taken actually. I think that DBT class would be excellent for him.

I don't think we will talk for a long time, because I will not be pursuing him anymore. I can't. I need to stick to that. I must. That's what I needed to tell and confide in my friend about, what I couldn't really talk to her about properly. Last night was me being drunk therefore I acted on impulses I otherwise would not have, and then realizing I should probably be in the hospital, so I went to a place where people could get me to one. I could have tried phoning but I've tried calling hotlines before and been blubbering so much that I can't be understood, and last night could have easily been one of those times. At least I understand now how people can impulsively commit suicide when they may not have been particularly suicidal outside of that moment. I met quite a few of those people in the mental health ward of the hospital I stayed at, and I never really did understand that before.

You know, thank you very much for saying this. Really. Usually at this point after such an incident I would feel a lot of shame in myself. But this time I didn't because I'm trying to let go of all the shame. I don't think cutting actually made me feel better, but I sure as hell know that drinking that day did. And I now have insight into my drinking impulsivity a lot more.

Now that I have managed to open my eyes about stuff like this, I still need to constantly be vigilant still to remind myself that what's best and what feels right for me is probably going to make a lot of people think I'm in the wrong and crazy and I should get help for these things I do, etc. Of course, this is why if I go back to live with my parents who will try to steer me into me being an upstanding citizen, is not necessarily something I want to do.

"It's like he pushes me to acting crazy and then says 'See? You're acting crazy, you're not trustworthy'"

The above is an example of a tactic that abusers use called "gaslighting" or "crazymaking". He instigates something and then turns it around to make you look crazy, or like the villain.

From your posts, it's clear to me that the guy is an abuser.
As for you, you are abusing yourself by cutting yourself.

What this means is that this relationship is no good for either one of you.
Best for you to get away, and stay away, from this guy.

You say you have a family you can stay with for awhile?
Like temporarily, while you look for a job?
That sounds like a good option.

I'm on disability, I've got my own apartment, moving in with parents would be for social support. It's not wise for me to be looking for a job right now, I cannot cope with one unless like, less than 10 hours a week or something.

Well, it's a relief you have somewhere to live and that paying the rent isn't an issue.
That said, it's good to have your parents for backup social support ...
in case the situation with your ex deteriorates
and you need a quick place to escape for your safety.

Please stay safe!

I have cut a few times and I don't really see that it's harmful if you aren't trying to kill yourself. The only thing I don't like is the scars on my arm from it. If drinking makes you feel better there's nothing wrong with that either. Just don't become an alcoholic.

I'd take weed over alcohol any day but I'm having a hard time finding it. Doesn't help that I don't get out. think I said somewhere but my one weed dealer just stopped talking to me

Weed is better for my physical body than alcohol, and I don't do impulsive things on it. Both are ultimately addictions prolly I see that. But I'm not sad about it. As long as I keep working on enjoying lots of various aspects of life I will be good.

For once in what feels like forever I think I like myself for who I am, despite not being anywhere near an what I have been trained to be.

Don't worry. Weed is gonna start becoming legal in more places. Pretty soon it will probably be legal where you live.

I know someone who used to do it regularly, it can be quite destructive. He wouldn't recommend it.

He has scars from cutting and burns, was also anorexic. It is not a long term solution.

I'm not being judgmental just telling it like is. It is not the best option, just like sniffing glue and huffing gasoline is not a great idea.

These things can become habitual.

You have cut a few times, I hope you don't make a habit of it. I totally get where you are coming from, you are trying to survive not to kill yourself. I'm just saying it won't necessarily provide that release over the long term and it will drag you down whilst harming you physical health.

Weed may help.

However you have to balance that with predisposition to mental illness.

Studies show that THC needs to be balanced with CBD, to reduce the risk of paranoia and psychosis being triggered. This is why skunk is not preferable.

CBD is under rated, it is this that has been used to tread some cancers. You don't even need to get high in the process.

CBD is basically what makes you feel calmer, less anxious. THC doesn't do this. CBD oil is currently being studied as a treatment of Schizophrenia, Bipolar and Anxiety and this research is promising.

CBD oil is legal in the UK, as hemp oil is legal.

Don't shoot the messenger.

purportedly at double the price it is illegally. :-/ Next year on 420 it's supposed to be :-p

I don't mean to be negative, tis just the truth I've heard, and the reality is that I will not be able to use very often then unless I managed to get a prescription or something and it's covered.

If I can muster up the courage I can knock on a couple apartment doors in my complex. There are 2 that I'm 99% certain are tokers (due to smells, one outside the door often smells of it the other is the apartment above my bathroom where there's a vent that often smells) who might be able to get me a hook-up.