I hate having aspergers

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I've heard it said that aspergers is not a disorder, just a difference. I disagree. It IS a disorder. Success has always evaded me in life, not because I didnt have ambition and not because I wasnt willing to work hard but because of aspergers. I have an extremely difficult time making friends because of it. I want to laugh and joke around with people but cant because I freeze up and I cant think of the right things to say so unless I keep my mouth shut, I always look like a fool. I want to do something with my life but that means getting a better job and getting a better job requires social skills which I dont have and dont know how to get. I feel lonely, depressed, and worried I will lose everything and because of this DISORDER, not difference, I feel powerless to change anything. People dont understand that. They think I am just not willing to put in the hard work to get ahead. I am but nobody worthwhile would give me a chance. I will say this again, I hate this disorder and my one wish would be to find a cure. I wish I had a brain that functioned normally. This disorder has kept me down all my life and refuses to allow me to have any success or happiness. Can anyone tell me how I can get around it and do something worthwhile with myself?

I disagree, to an extent. Whether it is a disorders really depends on the context of the environment you are measuring it with respect to. For example, being 3.5" tall is a disorder in a world where the average height is 5ft 7" tall. But being 5ft 7" tall is a disorder in a world where the average height is 3.5" tall.

People with AS struggle because we don't have a "home team advantage". If everyone had AS, or we were sent on solitary mission to Mars we would probably do quite well. In fact I think we generally do better without others than NT's do.

Certain aspects of social skills can be taught and you can learn them. You can learn basic conversational skills. You can learn basic public speaking skills. There are groups dedicated to the development of such things, both aimed at those with AS and aimed at those who just struggle with such things. You should look into them.

Blaming AS isn't going to help you in the least. AS is not your problem, your self esteem is the problem. You have such a negative attitude it's no wonder why you're your own worst enemy. AS has nothing to do with it. The truth is, there are people with AS who are doing just fine, and there are people who's brains "function normally" who are doing terribly. If you think that a different brain is going to help you, you are very wrong. I see lowlifes who have brains that "function normally" and I would never ever want to be like that.

There are plenty of people who suffer from more horrible afflictions and were able to succeed despite their problems. If you don't believe me, visit the physical therapy ward of a Children's hospital. I did that twice a week for my entire childhood. My sister was born with quadriplegic cerebral palsy, and she's very cheerful and optimistic. Never once in the entire time I've lived with her did I see this kind of attitude come from her.

You can get a better job if you read up a bit on social skills. I highly recommend the The Definitive Book of Body Language by Pease. The majority of the book describes in great detail how to succeed in job interviews and function in a work environment.

I don't know how old you are, but Aspergers get better to manage with time and experience.
I do understand your predicament concerning overall lack of success, which I think most of us do recognise from young age on. But you can start by facing your issues one by one.


First thing I suggest is in communication, body language and etiquette. You can look stuff up on the internet, look for the For Dummies books or more specific titles and putting theory in practice - very important!

Secondly is more in your self-esteem and a more positive way of thinking (the glass is half full instead of thinking it's half empty).

Third a social support circle like a church, family members, friends and in proffessional ways like a social worker.

I'm sorry but I see it as a handicap and it has impeded my life. I would say in a sense, it is similar to a person having schizophrenia. The horrible afflictions you are talking about are physical and while I am not suggesting by any means that such things are easy to overcome, kids with cancer or cerebral palsy typically have a very strong support system. Myself, and many others with aspergers, dont have that. A lot of people are not even aware of aspergers so they see people like myself as just plain weird. I look normal physically so I am expected to behave normally. I agree with you that most deadbeats in the world dont have aspergers but many of them have the ability to change their situation. I will read book you suggested but I hope you can understand my frustration at having to teach myself something that should be as natural as drinking a glass of water.

So what? are you going to let that stop you? I didn't let that stop me. People with AS can succeed, but people with AS and low self-esteem get nowhere. You only think that you don't have the ability to change your situation. Someone in your life must of poisoned your mind with all that crap. Get rid of it or you will be miserable for the rest of your life.

I don't have a support system either and I also come off as weird. I only have one good friend, two if you count my dog. Some people, including my parents, don't understand me. I can feel sorry for myself just like you. I understand your frustration, but I don't understand why you're using it as an excuse. That's very unhealthy.

You're wrong about people with physical disabilities having more people who understand them. No boss in their right mind would ever hire my sister, nor will she ever be able to find a boyfriend. Don't even get me started on funding and insurance companies... The point is she's not using her disorder as an excuse to be miserable. I can't say the same for you.

Uhh you do realise its not exactly easy to just up and gain self esteem? I mean I know the feeling of having my mental issues get in the way of things.....and I do not think the OP is really using at as an excuse just frusterated about the limitations. But I kinda feel the same way about it except for the wanting to be cured part....I mean I accept how I am but it does not make it any easier.

yes, the OP is definitely using it as an excuse. It's not easy to get self-esteem, but not impossible. You can either spend the rest of your life in self-pity, or you can stop using AS as an excuse. There are limitations with AS, but tough luck, alot of people have limitations. That's no excuse to let yourself be miserable.

Looks to me like those are rather common aspergers symptoms the Op is frusterated about.....the way I see it is an excuse is when someone makes up a bs reason why they cannot do something,having social difficulties can get in the way of a lot of things. And sure it can be possible to gain better self esteem, but if you have no real support or anything it might not be so possible. And another thing i don't know that the OP has depression but I do......and yeah that causes some misery I don't choose that its just how it is.

yes, the OP is definitely using it as an excuse. It's not easy to get self-esteem, but not impossible. You can either spend the rest of your life in self-pity, or you can stop using AS as an excuse. There are limitations with AS, but tough luck, alot of people have limitations. That's no excuse to let yourself be miserable.[/quot

Its not an excuse. Its called being realistic. It's not as simple as saying dont let it keep you down. Apparently you have that luxury. I dont. Do you have any idea what I would give to make friends easily and not be so effing socially awkward? I am slowly beginning to accept that the life I want is out of my reach but I will NEVER be happy about that and I will NEVER stop wishing I didnt have this disease. I will just get by the best I can and it sucks but I dont have much choice, do I?

Thats close to the conclusion I've come to....though I don't want to be cured as I have no idea what I would do if I functioned normally all the sudden, it would probably be more mind-blowing then an acid trip and I don't know that I could handle it.

The limitations with AS *include* limitations on seeing the "big picture". I have become so hyperfocused on my relationship and social problems, for instance, that I have neglected the fact that I have done pretty damn well academically and professionally (though not as well as I could have done if I didn't have AS, I think) and gotten pretty damn miserable. It doesn't mean I'm wallowing in self pity or making excuses, it means I sometimes don't see the forest for the trees. And I'm in my 40s and have had years to think about this stuff. Give the OP a break.

~Kate

I have to agree.

My biggest fear in life is job interviews because I am socially inept and socially inept people dont pass job interviews. Is there anything wrong with not wanting to be the oddball? I just want a normal life and to be able to interact normally with people but this disease just wont allow it. I havent done terrible but I have been at the same job for 8 years. I am afriad to leave because this economy combined with my lack of social skills would make me lucky to get a job at Burger King right now. They say social skills can be learned but still, the awkwardness will be there. It will never come naturally. Thats very difficult for me to accept. The only thing that would make me happy would be for this disease to just go away. I know it wont and it's killing me to know I'll never be completely normal. I just get by and long for the things I will never have.

It's not a luxury that I have, it's a skill that I earned through will power and hard work. You can do it too. See, you think that other people are somehow "blessed" with this "luxury." They are not; it's an acquired trait.

You forget that I have many of the same problems you have. I don't have a social life, I have parents that continually refuse to make the effort to understand me, and I will never be able to just walk into a bar or a night club like any NT. Those things will only make you suffer if you let them, and you are doing a mighty fine job of letting AS bring you down.

As I said before, AS isn't your problem. Low self-esteem is the real problem. If you have AS but high self esteem, you wouldn't be miserable as you are now. You'd probably be more like me: no social life, but still succeeding in school and work and generally happy. On the other hand, if you somehow became an NT, you would still be as powerless as you are now. The same happens with poor people. They falsely assume that having money will make them happier, but there are lottery winners who are miserable. It's the instant millionaire effect. If you're a miserable poor person, you'll just turn into a miserable rich person. If you are a miserable aspie and you had the hypothetical option of being cured, you'll just be a miserable NT. Actually, the same thing happens to cancer survivors. Once they've successfully fought their disease, they loose their sense of purpose and sink into a depression. That very same thing happened to Lance Armstrong. He didn't start winning until he fought his way out of his post-cancer funk.

That statement implies that I was picking on the OP. If I wanted to be mean, I could just enable the attitude by giving in to his self-loathing. I'm not here to doll out pity, because that is counter productive.