Unhealthy Obsession

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Hi people.

I don't really have anywhere I can vent this so I'm going to write it here.

I am a guy for Australia late 30's with a 13 yo son from my first marriage, and a 2nd wife who is from the Philippines.

I'll try to explain my issue - this is hard, but I have to try to say it. Believe me this will probably turn into a rant session - you all know how it goes

Over the last 6 years with my wife, I have grown to love her very much, and also her family in the Philippines.
We send our Niece to Uni over there (She's 19) as well as financially support our Mother and some of the other family.
I have always had a kind, giving attitude... I'm so so glad that we have an opportunity to give to something positive that will assist others in their lives.

Now as time has gone forward - my relationship with my niece has grown and grown. She chats to me almost everyday, and I always give her advice - about school - about her boyfriends (ahh young love), and about life in general. We are very close - just like sending each other messages - Im doing this - Im bored - hows your day - Im eating ice cream - you know day to day stuff, as well as discussing all the ins and outs of life in general, family struggles, boy issues, etc...

Another thing is - I have few friends - almost none. This is by my own choosing - as I really enjoy spending my time alone on projects or on my PC, just relaxing when I get time off from work. My work involves a few other guys my age - and that is more than enough socializing for me.

Then one day - I had a spat with my wife... nothing too life changing, but I has a melt down, as happens from time to time. During that time - I messaged my niece, talking about all my problems in a very personal, and rarely spoken way. Basically I lent on her as a friend, and she did her best to counsel me and help out. A few days later - all was back to normal - my wife and I reconciled - I apologized for freaking out - she apologized for her part in the fight and we are all good.
After that - I have felt so much closer to my niece, and we talk/chat even more than normal.
Now - please understand - she's a normal 19yo uni girl with friends, and a bf, and all that goes with it - probably thousands of Facebook friends, etc etc.... She is also a very good girl at home, helping her mum out whenever asked and just in general busy.

Now comes my problem... Ever since I became closer to her - I now obsess. Its not unusual for me to obsess on this game or that project etc, but I've never obsessed about a person or relationship before (well - teen love, but thats ages ago). I find myself analyzing the pattern of her online activity. I find myself sad that she will post a status, but not like my status - petty, and stupid things like that. Please understand - I'm not thinking about her in any other way than a friend or niece - I just wish I could chat to her 24/7 giving advice about her friends or bf - laughing - spending time - but she has a life, of course, and isn't like me.
I don't understand this - because I'm normally so happy to be by myself, I'm confident, and proud to be all that I am, even with the failings - and now I am finding any time I am alone - I just miss her chatting to me, what is wrong with me now??
I find that often in friendships or relationships I have had, I set an expectation - like I treat a person a certain way, and expect them to treat me the same - usually ending in disappointment, because of the simple fact that they are not me, and they don't feel the same.

Its this "black and white" way I treat everyone and everything that is hurting me. Once I "switch on" the love or like or care for someone or something - its like a flood - I can't turn it off. Narrow focused interests... sigh.

Like this weekend just gone - I know shes at home or whatever - doing chores or chatting online or working in her parents store. I sit and stare at the Green dot in facebook. - I refresh my page. I check her steam online status - then back to facebook. Hours like this - I try to play a game or do something - go out or make food etc - but every 5 mins I grab my phone - and same cycle - check status - refresh - check steam - refresh - feel sad - try to distract - etc etc.

I'm careful not to send her too many messages etc - I don't want to seem like a idiot - and she already says I talk to much - well - its true - You know how it is - whenever I try to give advice or whatever it cant be 2 lines - it goes for pages and pages.

Geez I wish there was something I could do to stop this - I just want her to go on leading her life, and me too - but I'm overly obsessed and I cant get it out of my head no matter how much i try. It's making me depressed - coz I know in my head what i want - but my feelings are out of control and, in my opinion - ridiculous.


....


Thankyou for letting me vent here - just the simple act of typing these things out seems to help.

Cheers

Joel

I don't see why you can't keep up the friendship with your niece.

But you'll have to stop messaging her so much. How would your wife feel? She'd probably feel jealous.

I would stop messaging her altogether until she messages you.

Move on to other things. Do yourself a favor.

You don't want to be accused of being a Woody Allen-type guy (even though you're not).

Indeed I know I need to try to settle down, but on the side of my wife - she encourages it, not becomes upset - she's very happy I am accepting and nice to her family - unlike previous spouses.

You see our family is very close, eventually we will try to petition our niece to come and live in Aus with us, and then she will become a nurse like my wife.


Mate - all I try to do is move on to other things - I appreciate your advice - I just wish I knew the method by which to proceed along that path.

Do you have any interests like astronomy, or the weather?

Sure. I am very much into gaming - and also I fly my drone/quadcopter - taking stacks of photos and video and editing publishing etc...

I want to try to do those things to "distract" me, but its like every single thing I do that isn't chatting to her is - I dunno - distant or plastic. Like it has no emotion attached to it anymore - everything seems like a chore if you get what I mean.

Usually I am obsessed with Star Trek - but now I even find myself turning off halfway through watching - which is so very unusual - I get angry normally if people talk or interrupt.

I wish I could offer a solution to this. You seem to have lots of nice hobbies.

This is what happens with young women sometimes LOL. You might not be conscious of it--but there's an attraction there.

Perhaps think to yourself: "I have earned some quality time with my niece if I don't message her for a couple of days." Then hold up your end of the bargain.

Alright - thanks for your help mate - as with all things I'm sure time will help me move forward.

Joel

Sorry I couldn't be of more assistance.

Just the act of actively discussing and recognizing there is an issue is assistance in itself - so, thankyou.

I think you're an okay bloke. I think everything will resolve itself, like you said.

Sometimes, things do resolve themselves.