People are into such lame ****

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I don't get it, I won't speak in specifics so not to offend those but it just seems like the interests and hobbies of so many of my peers are just lame and dorkish as hell, the stuff I would of got made fun of if I liked it while in school. I'm not apart of any 'subculture', the whole idea of liking all the same things so you can fit in with a group has always been foreign to me. I am too much contrarian, the people I came up with were all pieces of s**t that mainly made fun of each other so I've always felt self-conscious and paranoid about liking anything outside my small comfort zone and most of that I kept to myself anyways. My way of thinking of poisoned, I'm too old now, what does it matter, too late, the social capital has long been extinguished and that's where I am now.

The only times I've ever fit in was with some sort of social crutch, it's hard no to feel hopeless when it comes to ever changing. They want to turn your brain into mush with medications I have not much interest in taking as I feel they are poison, how can anybody take anything with such terrible side effects? I feel like medication wouldn't even help me, it's a numbing and if I am going to do that then what is the difference between that and street drugs besides the danger and legality? I don't know want I like or how to share it really, childish nonsense and **** that pisses people off. I feel like I'd take these drugs and then have a moment of clarity demanding I kill myself since that logically makes sense in my mind now. I am too scared of dying, scared of being hurt, I am too much of a puss to do anything.

Things seem to get worse not better, more isolated and more hopeless. People are adults at my age and I am just a loser child that has nothing to show for it, I can't even function so what hope is there really for ever even approaching normal? It just seems like a losing endeavor whatever I do so what's the point? If you don't have any hope of ever being able to relate or have any type of relationship with others then what is the point in killing myself trying to go the school or work. I work thru one issue and then there an infinite amount more. I'm a baby, people hate me, I just feel like a burden more times than not. I can't tell anybody anything, just a broken defective poisoned brain that can't allow anybody close to me.

I can relate to everything you've said. Although i care for my friends, they are NT, but sometimes i just think arnt i supposed to be the ret*d one? it seems like i can see obvious social drama/BS a mile away that they cant, I f*****g hate MTV(and most tv), the presidential race is just a glorified version of the high school president race, and some kid wearing a durag that was like 10 called me a little b***h today.

If you truly feel like an alien then at least im not alone.

Edit: my bad i didnt really help i kinda sulked with you here

First off man, let me say, I've read many things you've posted and think you are a real smart, observant guy who sees through the s**t in this world. You present as a very independent thinker, which is rare today, particularly in each younger generation. Unfortunately being an independent thinker makes it much harder to find relationships, be it friends or romance, because you are really only compatible with other independent thinkers. Or, you try to be less rigid, and less oppositional for the sake of not being lonely. Please trust me when I tell you this, if you don't cut that s**t off now when you are younger, it will only destroy you and get worse. You should try to be less contrarian, and not assume that because people like certain 'lame' things that they are 'lame' people. It's not always true. Dont allow yourself to place people in boxes based on superficial interests. I do that a lot and it's limiting. And hard to change. Sure, my doing so you may end up with a 95% sucess rate, granted. But some people can't be so easily defined.

In some ways you remind me of things I've struggled with. I have the same issues while being 13 years older. Stop saying you are too old is number one. Like right the f**k right now. Because you aren't. I been saying that s**t since I am your age literally. Younger. And I hate to be I'm older I know more at all, just have definitely done that way too long. I wish If have just done things instead of always saying I'm xx years old, what's the point NOW, I'm too old. I'd have done alot more with myself, thats for damn sure. So start working on yourself and changing the things you feel are holding you back. It's hard. But do it anyway.

What makes you a child? And many, many people are still kids at your age and older. And my age even. And older. So it's all relative.

You'd be well advised to stop boxing yourself in and drilling into yourself this idea of being irreparably broken. This is seldom true. It's just scary. And overwhelming. But not impossible.

I don't claim to know it all, or much at all about you, but things you say here are very relatable and these are the things I've learned.

I try to work on myself, I try every day but things get worse. This is one of the issues I have with medication because if I have such an "oppositional" attitude against classes of medications(and let me say these people really dislike it when you go off on a tangent about how evil the pharmaceutical companies are and how the accepted truths are truths they bought and paid for) and am considered "uncooperative" by the people I do have helping me who pretty much demand I take medication to receive this help. I'm too much of a hypochondriac, I read everything about any drug they might prescribe me so I either have no hope that they'll work or fear their many many terrible side effects. I don't know what I need, they do not like giving out things like benzos altho they were really the only thing I have ever taken that I think actually helped with anxiety but they're addictive apparently and you need more and more which is true I guess but the alternatives all have intolerable side effects. I don't want something that puts a cloud in my brain, I don't want something that gives me a permanently limp dick, I don't want something that slows me down, I don't want something that will make me gain 30lbs+ or grow female breasts, and that's not even factoring in the even more disturbing side effects to really wreck your body. I probably do need medication, I have too much anxiety to function and now I feel less and less in control of my emotions. I've been so up and down lately, the depression really is the worst it has ever been. I've had a lot of bad thoughts.

People have really been on my s**t lately for losing so much weight which is in part aided by the medication I am on but I see that as one of the primary benefits of being on it, I feel better about myself as far as I look than I did before and if I gained 40lbs or whatever back I don't see how I could be happier. My self-esteem is already terrible so that would be taking away the one thing I like the medication for, I don't believe chemical imbalances cause anything but rather the circumstances of my life so if they don't improve and all I have to show then are terrible side effects I feel much worse off. Maybe I'm just a chicken, I don't know. FWIW I really don't drink or smoke all that much anymore, it is not the fun anymore and I think Welbutrin probably contributes to just not caring about these substances as much anymore even tho I have used them as crutches and to self medicate in the past before. They were happier times so maybe I was on to something who know.

I don't think I am really all that smart, intelligence is how you apply it and I apply it thru meaningless diatribes on the internet. I think what it comes down to is that I do not like myself very much, I'm self conscious in the extreme and don't feel comfortable around other people. I feel embarrassed about my life situation and constantly judged. I feel like I am going to be exposed and laughed at or worse, I am hesitant to share anything with anyone and I have made an effort to change that on this forum probably more than any other aspect of my life but I see the limited amount relationships that I have forged online as mostly superficial and meaningless. I appreciate anybody that i friendly with me but it's all fleeting. Everyone goes away, no one is really your friend, I suck at maintaining relationships and sabotage myself in real life and online.

I don't even know where to start with people, it seems like everyone is all about anime(which I find almost insufferable) or some super rigid music genre which I've always hated and that's what they build their identity around. With music, I've always perceived just a cloud of judgement around and everyone that are like 'music is my life' are total aliens to me. Noise is your life? I can understand if you have a talent at it and play an instrument or whatever but even then it's just something I feel is totally inaccessible. Not that my interests are any better, they're seen as just as lame and loserish I'm sure. I don't have the means to really pursue interests anyways, I don't have much beyond my computer. I segregate myself from the rest of the world, the way I perceive things aren't the way they are or I guess I have such thin skin and fear of rejection. Your brain plays tricks on you and I know it does, it doesn't change how you feel in the moment know that. I don't even know how to share an interest, I know how to ****faced drunk which is an acceptable way to past the time where I come from but I don't have friends to do that with anyways.

I just can't take care of myself as an adult, I'm not independent in any sense and quite dependent other than the fact that I live alone but that's only because I am fortunate enough to have parents willing and able to support me and I don't know how long that can last really. I would kill myself if I ever had to move back with my parents, I can't progress myself when dealing with the drama of other people. Maybe that's just an excuse but my parents live like a hour out of the city so it's not really that untrue either. It's just hard to see things ever getting better, dealing with all these clinics and whatnot are a cause of depression in itself I think. I've always hated the institutions that were suppose to be there to help me because I never felt they were, I feel cheated out of my childhood to be honest.

I don't know, enough whining on my part.

Jacoby, meet with a social worker through your local disability services agency or if none is available, through your local health agency. Work with the social worker on getting your needs met. They could be (a) SSI so you are not a burden on your parents, (b) psychotherapy to improve your self-esteem and decrease your depression, (c) housing assistance, (d) nutrition assistance, (e) vocational assistance, etc. Notice I said could be - a social worker should help you select relevant goals and work towards them.

Yeah...you're a pretty smart guy, even if you like Trump a little too much

You've done lots of research, and have considerable knowledge of history.

Do you gets lots of air-conditioning where you are? If you don't, I can see why you're stressed---so damn hot there! Sometimes even over 120 even in Phoenix.

So what if you're skinny? I wish I weighed 140 lbs (I'm 5 foot 5).

I am working thru local/state agencies and have been for years, it's a cause of depression in itself having to deal with these clinics and whatnot. It's hard not to think this whole country is falling apart at the seams when you deal that ****, luckily I've met some very kind people that go above and beyond what is called of them and I would call them friends at this point. I've always have had a lot issues with bureaucracy, authority, and "the system"; it's kind of been a reoccurring theme in my life going back to my childhood dealing with the ghetto inner city school system and I definitely see how it effects my way thinking now. We really are just a sum of our parts and experiences.

but yeah, I have AC or else I would be dead. The reason everyone is on me for being so thin I guess is because I've dropped like 40lbs+ in the last year mostly from not eating which I guess concerns people I don't know. It's hard to force yourself to eat when you live on your own, I'm not a pleasure eater or stress eater and in fact stress causes me not to eat more times than not.

I think your smart, but you live in a world that wasn't created with you in mind.

the world is made by neuro typicals for neuro typicals

People like what they do, not sure how that effects you? Try to hang out with people you have more in common with. I'm sure you have interests that others enjoy.

Well I have about 10 days worth of medication(benzos) left after taking them for a year before I am cut off cold turkey, this is not going to be pretty