I don't really want to be a bitter person

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I do. Its not who I really am. I just find it so hard to make friends. I have a lot of acquaintances and they like me, but I don't have the kind of close friends that you can just pop in and see.

I am a caring person really. I don't dislike men and I still believe in love, but it's difficult to. It just seems like a lie. I feel trapped. Unable to make connections.

If you become bitter, the ballgame is over.

But I have faith that you will see the forest for the trees, even when the trees seem to be burning before you.

Imagine if we actually go bowling together! Wouldn't that be something?

I'm fighting this battle against bitterness right now in my life. I've lived most of my life, back to childhood, with almost constant bitterness. I don't know the source of yours, nor will dig or pry to find out.

I find that trying to change my focus obsessively to what I DO have instead of what I DON'T have is very helpful. I've tried to be very strict in my mind to correct myself every time I say, if only I had___, or I really want___. I replace this with At least I have___. We always have SOMETHING to be thankful for. This thinking until very recently used to confuse and enfuriate me, but it just clicked. I wish I could elaborate. Also, I spend a lot of time trying to recall all the time I wasted being bitter and how I don't want to waste any more time of my life. I've missed so much and that is hurtful. So rather than waste any more getting stuck in that cycle, I get mad and use that anger as determination to not allow the bitterness. I try to use positivity as my weapon. And it feels so very fake. Most of the time it is. But so is any new habit.

Now this is a new thing for me, but I'm going thru a divorce and am more stable and positive than I've ever been. And I was very, very attached to my ex-wife. i don't know how much, if any would apply to you, but those are my abbreviated personal struggles with bitterness and empathize with that battle if nothing else.

Yes, I've been trying to focus on the positives and focus on the good things I have.

I'm just frustrated. I feel like no matter how many times I move or put myself in new situations I'm never going to find a man who wants a relationship with me.

I'm bitter because this love thing just seems like an elaborate lie.

I'd like to feel positive about romantic things, but when I see people together I just feel a stabbing pain in my heart.

It's not something any man will deem me worthy enough for. I am unappealing to men and I don't know why and I don't know what to do.

Im angry with life. Why is this so difficult for me?

I don't feel like I have any friends my own age either. (I have some good friends who are my parents age). I don't know how to connect with people.

I think it's completely normal to feel bitter about these things. Everyone needs love and affection. I'm sure bitterness will go away when you meet someone who is truly right for you.

I feel like the bitterness will add an extra layer of unattractiveness to me. I'm sad and lonely, but I feel like I mustn't let that show otherwise I'll scare men away

I think many people feel that way, here or elsewhere. Love isn't the lie, but we are all pretty conditioned by TV/film by the time we start looking for it. Is your view of love and what a relationship is realistic? Perhaps you need to understand what's made a relationship work for you before, rather than trying to have "A Relationship" like everyone else (even though theirs are really all different, too).



That's a bad feeling I used to have. But, I used to have it out of a terrible sense of insecurity and feeling that I deserved to be with someone. I don't think we really deserve anything. Life happens with or without our influence. The idea of deserving things has certainly led to more bad feelings and lack of fulfillment than anything, in my life.

I also was forgetting that I don't know what these relationships are like for the people in them. I could see my mom and step-dad at a party acting happy, for example, but at home on their own their relationship is dull and much pettier. If you make relationships out to be some utopia, you will feel miserable for being alone. You will also show potential partners the huge amount of pressure you're putting on them, which will drive them away. You don't need a relationship, you want it.



You're not unappealing to men. I'm 33, fairly effeminate, can't grow a beard, and still get acne. I look like Harry Potter with a shittier haircut and dorkier glasses. My dating history sucks, but I still find intelligent, good-looking women who like me. That comes from understanding myself and my wants and needs better. It comes from being more patient and having a better sense of who I'm compatible with. When I thought women hated me, I was going to be alone, because I wasn't really thinking. What kind of men do you like? What kind of men do you get along with? What has worked in the past?



Because you're alive Use humor as your weapon. You're seeing the end of the world in an everyday experience.



Who cares how old your friends are? Again, you're aspiring for this "normal" life, and that's only making you unhappy. I think we all have done that here--we want friends our age who like "normal" things and we want a "normal" partner. Be happy with the friends you have. I could be sad I'm not closer with my 20-30 something coworkers and caught up in their social media stuff, or happy to speak with the 40-80 year-olds I regularly meet with. Obviously you connect with people if you have some friends. You're beating yourself up for not living up to an image of who you think you should be. Even if you had friends your age and a great boyfriend, it will be disastrous if you're doing these things insincerely.

Same. I'm starting to distrust and dispise women. Few years ago all the married people I know told me there is no love. I didn't believe them but now I'm starting to. People just do relationships for monetary and social standing exchange it seems.

I too have no friends. I can't even remember last time I had actual human interaction I don't even have online gaming friends anymore I'm completely cut off.

I dont know what to do hurtloam.
I really don't understand why you having problems. I think if you lived in the US you'd be married already.

maybe that's part of the problem? you feel obligated not to show the parts of yourself that matter for a meaningful human connection, and then if you attract any connection, it feels fake because it's based on just-for-show facets of yourself, and the gap between what you feel and what you show to the world widens even further

i've been thinking recently about how to present and portray myself to new people (on any profile pages, and with anyone i've just met). the details on how to approach the issue are always a work in progress (i'm terrible at "defining" or "advertising" myself. it makes me angry when i'm forced to), but there's one thing i know for sure by now: i need (and want) to make it clear from the very beginning that i'm a disillusioned person looking for another disillusioned person

https://youtu.be/CJJUVvSI-kM
https://youtu.be/81RqEnvczV8

What instrument do you play, Hurtloam?

Are you a classical musician? Man-o-man...I'm turned on by classical musicians!

And even popular music ones!

In my mid-twenties, I read the correspondence between Tchaikovsky and his patroness. I used to get aroused just thinking about a potential encounter between those two.

Please don't be bitter. Or even salty

Imagine....going bowling with a violinist! The fulfillment of a dream

So I'm assuming then, the source of your bitterness is lack of love? As someone who is exceedingly needy in this area, I can empathize to some degree.

What you are feeling is common among people who have had poor success in dating/love. Maybe you can use that as a point of identification when seeking someone to date. There's alot of relating there for a man whos been through the same.

I think, as HighLlama said, properly identifying potential points of commonality is huge in finding someone. But you do have to be able to identify SOME positive traits in yourself. So you know what 'types' of people could best appreciate said qualities, and try to mesh that with your own idea of whats appealing in a person.

I will say your deep desire to have a connection, in and of itself, is something certain men will find attractive. Few people today really truly want committed LOVE. Those people do exist. But if you find one, that's a very critical common ground...

What do you find is your biggest obstacle to dating? Is it getting ideas on how to meet people, social discomforts when doing so, etc?

TMI Kraftie.

I just play guitar... badly.

You are still quite the "dig-able" person

The only instrument I could play is subway-seat drums (the subway seats are all plastic in NYC, unlike the Tube, where the seats are partially fabric).

I think I am realistic, I'm really just looking for someone that wants to hang out, visit interesting places and go to gigs. Preferable someone musical because I love music. I just want someone I can chat with easily. I'm not romantic. I don't want flowers and chocolates, just a good friend who is also attracted to me and me to him. I get on well with men who like interesting things.

Nothing has worked in the past. I seem to find a spark of interest and then the man loses interest and it doesn't go anywhere. That's why I'm frustrated. This keeps happening. It's the same cycle over and over again.

I don't think I put pressure on them, I think that they assume I'm not interested.


Very true.

I now imagine you look like John Oliver btw.

I'm not ignoring the rest of your comments. My lunch break is just over now. I'll get back to you.

You're ignoring me, though LOL

But I'll still give you a cookie