I got a reminder that I truly am an alcoholic.

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I was the only person in the office today. I handled it irresponsibly. I got a lot of work done, but I also walked over to the mini-mart next to my office and picked up a couple of cans of beer. Essentially, I was getting buzzed on the job.

My drinking is spiralling out of control. This cannot be allowed to happen again. I am risking everything, for what? I am crying, as I want to take personal responsibility for my stupid actions. I give in far too easily to the compulsion to pick up the next drink.

My morality is drowning in a sea of bourbon and gallons of beer. I can see myself deteriorating, I can feel myself drowning, yet the horror seems quite distant when the alcohol anaesthetizes me.

This has to f*****g stop right this very second. I can give no quarter. I can give no excuses. I have to stop drinking, and I have to live life without picking up another drink ever again.

And I do not want to go back to AA, because those people are some of the most self-loathing folk I have ever met, and they clearly wanted me to hate myself as a person.

I don't know. I think perhaps I should look into an inpatient detox/treatment program, since I have reached the point where I can drink an entire fifth of bourbon in one evening and not have a hangover the next day.

I cannot recover in a vacuum.

I am not writing this for pity. I need to be honest with others. And I do not know where to turn to.

I want to tell you that it's OK to be drinking alcohol as you are, but obviously you feel it is not OK. It is also deleterious to your health.

I think you are approaching this the right way though.

I know it is possible though to cut cold turkey and be OK with that though. I know because I had to do that with food, for my celiac disease. And let me tell you, food was pretty much what I would turn to for something to do, comfort, aesthetic enjoyment, you name it. I love eating, taste and smells. Then I found out I couldn't eat a modicum of wheat or barley etc. I had to change my diet completely upside down. Fortunately before I was 100% certain I had to do that I had done research on what was necessary, and was prepared for change in my life.

But the thing with it is that there is basically no cheating involved. IF I cheat I will make myself sick. Period. It is that sort of all-or-nothing attitude that keeps me from still being sick and cheating once in a while. I just -need- to do it. Like I -need- to take my meds.

If you aren't ready to stop drinking completely, then you aren't. If you are you will. I'm glad you don't want to go back to a place where you feel like you are supposed to think poorly of yourself. There is no reason to think poorly of yourself just because you drink. Rather, be rational about it and look at what it is doing to you and stop because of that, not because you need more self-respect or something. You already have self-respect and self-love, keep it.

No, cavernio, if I drink while I am at the office, that is not OK at all. It is a sign that I have a very real problem going on.

I was going to suggest AA, but you didn't like them. Is there any other groups near you that could help? The detox one? rehab somewhere?

Actually, is there an internet based support group somewhere? Obviously, this site is a place to talk to people, but I don't know how many people here have dealt successfully with addiction.

It's good you recognize that drinking at work is a huge no-no. I told you at some earlier point that you seemed unsure of what was normal behavior, in that case pertaining to your family. It's good you've got some boundaries in your head, I guess the next step is making your actions conform to those boundaries.

Try to avoid your mom distracting you. She's nuts, as I'm sure others have told you. Better to focus your energy on making positive changes in your life than managing the emotions triggered by family members doing crazy stuff - which they will inevitably do.

I understand you skepticism about AA. They don't have great success rates I think. Does reading about addiction help you? There is one really great novel about addiction: "Rachel's Holiday" by Marian Keyes. It's chick lit, but rather good chick lit, and one gets the feel that the author is writing from personal experience. What left an impression was the main character's ability to deceive herself, quite unintentionally. I understand why you would want a real person around to pay attention to what you are doing.

Agh, I hear you on drinking on the job. I used to do it too when I was drinking, with whiskey, and I was actually in a job where I was responsible for other people. But it can serve to be your saturation point (awful pun not intended) where you draw the line and know you've gone too far. Which you realise clearly. That can be useful, be your catalyst.
I'm sure if you've been around AA you know all about "white knuckle sobriety" and from your post, that kind of denial is just going to drop you off there, barely holding on, and you're right, you shouldn't be hating yourself for this. My only suggestion is probably a familiar one - to really address the underlying problem that you're slapping with the bandaid of alcohol. Find out what that is, and what to really do about it.
I go on and off AA too - I just can't deal with the BS factor, how every drunk who rolls in there thinks they've found some kind of in-depth insight and doesn't realise they're still just bullshitters.
I used to drink a fifth a day too. And be convinced that was fine because I also drank a lot of green tea.
I also noted the "again" in there - I went back down a bottle over and over too, but not for almost a year now. It can be done. We can do it, I'm convinced.
PM me if you need another alco to rant at, but I can't guarantee I don't hate myself a bit at times either.