I hate this stupid thing...

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Let's be real; I'm in a better place now than I've ever been. I've got a very secure job, I'm interacting with people I feel some kinship with on a frequent basis, I've got a good relationship with my family, and while my financial situation isn't good I'm not in danger of ending up on the streets.

Ok, so that's out of the way...

My current situations is still frustrating. I come here to WP and it really reminds me of this. The worst of it are the "would you cure your autism if you could?" threads. f**k yes, I'd cure it! It's pretty much the common denominator in everything that's undesirable in my life, and everything I don't like about myself. It brings nothing of value to the table, and yet it leaves me feeling imprisoned in my own mind and cut off from everything I truly care about. It makes everything harder, drowns me in thoughts I don't want to think and don't value, saddles me with obsessions that bring me no pleasure.

Really, I've kind of adjusted to the stress. It'll probably drive me to an early grave, but we all die eventually. It's the inability to connect with others and the executive functioning BS that really drag me down.

I've said it's like a tumor on my soul. I really, really mean that. People around here are fond of saying autism is a part of them. Cool. Autism isn't a part of me, though. It's a gaping void in "me". A big hole through which all my aspirations, wishes and desires fall into oblivion. It's chains binding me with the life I need to feel fulfilled kept out of reach. It's the devil on my shoulder, trying to ruin me. I don't hate myself. I do hate my autism.

The day I start feeling my autism is a part of me is the day I eat a bullet.

I don't know what to do. It will never go away. I can't find much of anything on treatments or therapies that might even help a little though. For all the whining on here about "curebies" and Autism Speaks, they don't seem to have a lot going on either. You'd think by now they'd at least have some indication that something might possibly work. There's some ideas about oxytocin nasal spray. There's the guy who got Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation. Someone recently linked to an older post on here with someone using an MDMA-like substance. I'd love to try any one of those... see if it helps. I'd be fine with just some therapy to help ease autistic symptoms in a less intrusive way, honestly. I just want something, and nobody seems to have it.

I feel incomplete. Something needs to fill that void.

Not sure where I'm going with this. Maybe I just needed to vent. I'm asking for help here, but I don't even entirely now what I need help with.

Your personality VS Your cognition

I've seen plenty of varieties myself. Some are even from this site: Their 'kinks' VS Their morality. Their desires VS Their means. Their passion VS Their wishes.

What they have VS What they are VS What they do.
What they could VS What they would.


While this isn't a solution, it's how I see it at the moment. You had chose yours, yet there were no solutions to resolve it so far.
Better that you tried and fought for it than whining for it to give it to you.

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Yeah, it feels like a bit of a joke played on me by fate. My values, wishes and personality are a very poor fit for autism.

Well, uhh... thank you everyone for your overwhelming support.

I support you.

I just don't think autism is 100% negative.

I know... however I think it varies from person to person and for me even if it's not 100% negative, it's 0% positive. There are certainly people who might find some of the same traits positive but they have different lives and different needs.

Many useful inventions have come about because of an "autistic" sort of focus. This has much to do with the concept of a "special interest."

Have you read Temple Grandin? Autistic focus was behind her ability to invent a more humane way to vaccinate farm animals. She was able to see things from a cow's viewpoint only because she had an autistic type of visual perception.

Remember: I'm not one of those who believe that autistic people are "superior," or that they are "the next step in evolution." Those are absurd notions. Even if one is severely disabled, one should use what ability one has to the best of his/her abilities.

There are ways to use one's "disability" to create a new "ability" in one's self. I firmly believe this.

Thanks for that response. It deserves a better reply than I can type on my phone, but I'll answer when I get home.

I understand your frustration. And I understand from your point of view that this is a real issue you are dealing with. All I can do is tell you how I think sometimes.

I, myself, have Asperger's syndrome and several other mental disorders. I am not happy but not really the most unhappy person on the planet either. I wonder if my AS was cured who I would be. Maybe I would be so unhappy that I took my own life. If my psyche was affected maybe I would have other issues do deal with.

If I could cure your autism you would be thankful. But if I said there is a big chance that the You would be transferred to a random person in the world. Would you still be eager to accept the offer and risk something that could be even more devastating.

Asperger is not the worst illness in the world. Try to accept being a little different and live your life without caring what others think about you.

That is my tip.

I do see where you are coming from. You want to feel yourself being consummately functioning.

Having autism, to you, prevents this from occurring.

I sense you are beating your head against the wall (metaphorically) due to your supposed imperfections owing to autism. You feel you would have done much better should you not have had the characteristics of the disorder known as autistic

I can't say for sure if that is so. Nobody can. It's possible, though.

But have you ever thought that some of your ability in your field is BECAUSE of your autism?

I hope you come to the realization (yes, the truth), that so-called NT's, nonautistic people, frequently have quite glaring "imperfections" as well.

I would say to you.....stop beating your head against the wall in futility. Just accept yourself for who you are--warts and all.

I feel you and can relate a lot to what you've posted here. I don't have any advice to bring to table in regards to making it better, all you can do is just keep trying and to not give up on yourself since what is the alternative?

You're very right Jacoby. For now I just soldier on, but I'm keeping my eye out for anything that might make things easier.