Why do people like making me feel self-conscious?

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I have social anxiety, but nobody understands or respects it. I don't look anxious enough to be given leeway, but I must look anxious enough to notice, because people stare at me a lot, as if they're scrutinizing me. People need to be educated about social anxiety because to person with social anxiety, being stared at and judged by strangers is very unsettling and it can ruin an entire day and even cause panic attacks or temporary agoraphobia.

I have high self-awareness and good fashion sense, and I don't go out looking unkempt, and I do not have an awkward gait because I have worked on that and also I have got close family to give me honest feedback on how I look, and they said I look normal and cool.

When men look at me, I feel flattered. But I mostly get women staring, of all ages (so even women in their 60's). Today my friend rang when I was on the bus, and a woman (who was about to get off at a stop) stared at me, as if she thought I was talking to myself. But when she saw that I had my phone up to my ear, she still continued staring, with a blank look on her face, which didn't fill me with confidence. And no, I don't talk different or anything. I don't stutter, or lisp, or talk loud (I don't have a loud voice), and anyway some people DO talk oddly and nobody stares at them.

And there are always youngsters talking on phones so often, and I was just talking mainstream ("hey ya, yeah I'm [at destination] on the bus, ok yeah, see ya soon").

I wish I had powers like Matilda, then whenever somebody stares at me I can make something happen to them where they will be embarrassed.

Oh, and p.s., I don't stare at people first. I just see them staring in my periphery, which naturally makes me look at them. Otherwise I avoid eye contact with strangers.

Maybe they think you look nice and they're admiring your fashion sense.
What is the difference between men staring at you and women staring at you?
I stare at people a fair bit because I find people fascinating.
You would hate me.

I know how intense social anxiety can be, as I experience it, too. Sometimes it is literally, unbearable, and sometimes it is non-existent. I know that it is my own mind that causes me to feel anxious, judged, self-conscious, fearful of rejection and potential loss. When in the midst of it, I cannot allow it to overtake me. It can get difficult to see clearly, through the symptoms I experience. I can feel mentally and emotionally transparent and everything about me is wrong. There is usually something going on in my life that will trigger the thought patterns I experience. I feel extreme worthlessness, and, as if I dont belong anywhere. Literally, as if I am entirely alone in the world. I have the awareness to know that there is no one, outside of myself, that has the power to make me feel or think the things I do, yet, it is when I am exposed to people, that my symptoms occur. I have learned to look for something in my environment that might take me out of my current thoughts, and I try to focus on that one thing. The physical structure of a building, or a flower or the photograph I always carry with me, for this purpose. All of our thoughts are generated by our own mind. We are responsible, and no one else, for what goes on in our minds. Perhaps you might find something that can turn your thoughts around when people are looking at you.

Hi Joe90 I had bad social anxiety, but with some therapy an self help it got better. I still manage it.

Often there is a vicious cycle involved. The key to beating social anxiety is understanding the cyclical nature of it, and the links in the chain. Behavioral and cognitive.

Some of what you said in the first paragraph is fairly typical thinking for Social Anxiety.

Other people can be a link in the chain, but might not be in the way you think. But even it was you don't necessarily have respond to it in the same way.

I recommend this book
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Overcoming-Soc ... 1849010005

It helped me. Also, unlike many CBT books it is quite adaptable to the neuro diverse and doesn't use odd analogies.

Also I used to frequent SAUK which is a social anxiety forum.

Any questions let me know.

Short answer: Because they're mean. And no, they're not going to respect your social anxiety.

So what do you do? Here's a link to a good YouTube video with expert advice:

Click Here to Watch "What to Do If Someone Looks You Up and Down"


Stay strong and know your worth.

/\

I don't want appear unsympathetic, but is not safe to assume people are thinking like this, and even if they are it can be counter productive to indulge it, that becomes part of the cycle.

Nobody is psychic.

Take it from a veteran of social anxiety/social phobia, It is within that nature of social anxiety to think like this. In fact it is almost a textbox example of it.

One of the best arguments against this is idea that people are generally too self absorbed to spend too much time about thinking people. Also a lot of these thoughts are very transient. Have you not had bad thought about someone? Has anyone creeped you out, just by how they apeared? You could say you are judging them, like you think people are judging you. However often it makes no differnce becuase both of you move on with you lives.

Also rubber necking and staring and people in distress, believe it or not is related to empathy in a weird way. Empathy isn't the moral high ground people think it is. There can be a curiosity but also a discomfort related to seeing someone in distress which is why some stare rather than help. They don't want to be in that position.

Thanks for the replies.
Being stared at makes me feel a whole range of emotions; angry, depressed, self-conscious, anxious, annoyed, creeped out, upset, and distressed. Sometimes I have even refused to go out for a day or two, because I worry that I might be judged.

I do try to tell myself that it is probable that they're staring to admire, maybe they think I am pretty or they like what I'm wearing, or maybe they recognise me from somewhere. But, my social anxiety makes me believe that they're staring because I look weird or stupid or mental and maybe I have another head I didn't know about, or extra arms.

Some days I feel like nearly every woman that passes me is gawking at me, and other days not so much. But I can prove that it isn't my imagination, because one time I saw somebody staring at me in my periphery, and I was thinking "what's she staring at??" , then when I turned to look I realised it was a work colleague. So we said hi. I don't mind somebody I know staring, but the trouble is, I feel and see the same stares from people I DON'T know, so that must mean strangers DO stare...do you get what I'm saying?

Making someone feel self-conscious is a visible sign that you have some kind of power over them. That's why they have to be self-conscious, rather than you. Of course it feels great, at least if you're not already too confident in your power to need to validate it.

Well, actually you do have that power - you just don't know it.

When you catch someone staring at you, smile big and wave. Act as if you know them. They'll be wondering, "Do I know her? Oh heck."

That’s also an excellent way to get them to start more overtly bullying you.

Hasn't been my experience, Spiderpig.

Well, it has been mine. The more I engage, the more I'll lose.

I don't have social anxiety, but it could be that it's causing you to internally "amplify" what's going on because you're so focused on it. Just a lay perspective, and probably a theory you've heard before. I could go with animal-evolution theory, but that's not your cup of tea and I'll respect that-- it's your thread .

As for people staring, if it makes you uncomfortable perhaps you could come up with a few scripted responses to get them to stop the behaviour: "Look, I know I'm hot; but just like the sun, staring too much will make you go blind."

You don't understand. The action I describe is not engagement. It's more shaming. It causes discomfort in the starer. And then you forget about them, they are nothing.

I mean, I have done this successfully. I guess I have an ironic smile.