Tired of Dementia

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So my mom passed away earlier this year after about a decade with Alzheimer's. A long, slow, plodding march toward complete mental oblivion. Years of individual pains every time I realized she no longer knew this, or remembered that person. Eventually she forgot me. There were stages of the disease that involved wandering outside with no shoes on, visits from police officers, home health workers who stole my dad's coin collection (not worth a lot but sentimental), and eventually a broken hip and a nursing home and moaning and babbling and choking to death on food. Near the end she looked like a walker from Walking Dead.

So in the middle of mom's last few months, dad suddenly took a dramatic dip in cognitive abilities. Overnight (literally) he went from 90% okay to about 50%. For a couple months they were in the nursing home together, but now it's just him there. The doctors say he, too, has Alzheimer's, but I don't believe them. I think he has vascular dementia, and that he had a small stroke or series of strokes. He had a bunch of tests but they found nothing. Over the course of six months he has deteriorated to the same point mom was at after about 7 or 8 years. He sometimes knows me, but mostly he wanders around the home poking and grabbing at things and getting into trouble. He walks away from me when I visit him, and gets angry if I try to redirect him. And I feel all the sickening pain I felt with mom all over again. No break in between - just straight from watching one parent waste away to watching the other one do the same. It sounds horrible but sometimes I just want him to die so it will finally be OVER.

Did I mention I'm only in my thirties? Yeah, my FB feed is full of my friends going out to dinner and on vacation with their smiling, healthy parents. Some of them even have living grandparents! I haven't had a grandparent since I was a kid. I know some people have it worse, but I feel jealous and cheated. Yesterday I went and ordered my folks a headstone.

Anyway, just throwing these thoughts out there because writing stuff down is somewhat cathartic. Feel free to respond however you want. I don't even really care if it's particularly sympathetic. Just no "I hate you" or anything, ya know? I mean, it is the Haven.

(Edited to break up a big ugly block of text)

You sooooooooooooo deserve a cruise when you're all done with dad. Or even before then. Is there any funds for that?

I just wrote my own self-pity post about a spouse losing his cognitive abilities (and me not coping very well with it), so you have my total sympathy.

That sounds really rough what you are going through =/

((Hugs))

You deserve a medal.
Thank you for doing a tough job.
Stay strong!

You have more than my sympathy. I hope more children grow up to be like you.

I'd be really hurt if my mother did what your father did. It's painful to be forgotten by your dad.

My mother, at 82, shows little signs here and there of forgetfulness--but she can still live independently.

I was fortunate in that my grandmother was "all there" until she passed away at age 89 in 1993.

I have read, and saw something on YouTube, pertaining to promoting awareness through the popular music of the person's childhood/adolescence. Maybe your father would benefit from listening to doo-wopp?

I'm certain that I would be feeling worn out if I was having your experience. It is a horrid disorder, loosing the person you love slowly, would you consider grief counseling? This seems like a lot to carry by yourself.

Thanks, everybody.

I have two young kids, so there's no way I'm going to be able to take a relaxing vacation or anything like that. Sometimes I feel like all I do is take care of people morning, noon, and night. I've looked at some online support sites, but all the people in my position are in their 50s, and their kids are in high school or adults. That just makes me feel even more crappy and alone.

One thing all of this has taught me is that having children late in life by choice is short-sighted and frankly kind of selfish. I have more than one friend who is having a first child at 40, and it makes me sad. When that kid is in their 30s and could use some help and support with their own kids, they'll instead be running around to lawyers and hospitals and nursing homes, trying to sort through stacks of bills, and making end-of-life decisions all with little kids in tow. Instead of babysitting, the grandparents will need to be babysat.
I've spent YEARS now buying groceries and paying bills for two households. I've been berated by relatives because I refused to change my mom's diapers. I've had shouting matches in hospital waiting rooms. I've learned all about Medicare and Medicaid and supplemental insurance and how many nursing home days are covered and when it's time for hospice. I had to get caller ID because sometimes I just can't handle talking to the nursing home about another "incident".

*sigh* As I said, I'm just very tired of it. I would like to have a relationship with someone that doesn't involve me taking care of them. The closest thing I have to that is my husband, which is mutual-caretaking. I suppose I'll feel somewhat better when the kids are back in school, and I don't have to drag them along on every errand (whining and arguing all the way) in 90 degree heat.

OK so no cruise for you, but maybe a spa day is achievable?