Rant, barely coping

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I'm barely managing to keep my life going; my executive functioning has arrived at a point where it's worse than I think it's ever been in my whole life, and it's never been great to begin with. I'm experiencing a lot of burnout with life. I have depression, an anxiety disorder in which I experience full-blown panic attacks I have to manage, and I have PTSD that is fading now after several years since the cause, but still operates.

I live alone and I "manage," but what nobody sees or knows is how excruciatingly difficult it feels to keep everything going. From the outside it looks like I do, but on the inside I'm barely holding everything together. It's a massive push of will power just to discipline myself to do the things that I will get into serious trouble for not doing -- like tax paperwork and other official stuff. Those are now the only things I eventually force myself to cope with only by sheer fear of the detrimental consequences if I don't.

Everything else in my life that doesn't matter or is manageable while falling to pieces has to just slide. Things have become that bad for me. I struggle just to wash a dish.

Someone today who doesn't know me well enough to know these truths about me basically nagged me into the ground about my bicycle tire. I KNOW the f*****g tire needs changing. It's just that other things have had to come first, and even those barely got taken care of by me, things are this bad for me lately. I don't even ride the bike on main roads. It's used literally to ride a side road to a park and then ridden through the park. The rough gravel in the park paths is what has worn out the tire. I'm not even about to cause an accident -- it's not in traffic, ever.

I haven't gotten around to getting a new damn tire because when I get home I feel like a zombie. I can't wash a damn dish let alone be all "Right then, about this tire, off to the shop we go, la la la."

I'm barely capable of bothering to brush my damn teeth and care about that.

At first, trying to be polite because I knew this acquaintance was only trying to be helpful and give good advice, I simply asserted "Yes, I know, I've been busy." I'm not good at thinking on the spot when in an unexpected conversation I hadn't planned on anyway, so it was hard even just to say that.

But then he kept on at me. He was feeling the tire and going on and on about how shocking it was and "You ought to know better at your age."

I kept saying "I'm getting to it!!" and I thought I was being fairly assertive. But the nagging was beginning to feel overwhelming and I felt insulted at the familiarity. This person is only an acquaintance who passes by in the park and has chatted about four time before. This isn't my brother or boyfriend with maybe the liberty of "nagging" a bit. So it felt offending to me to suddenly find myself being upbraided and judged and chastized by practically a stranger.

Because then he also started in on my bike rack. I fitted it myself years ago and with all the rough riding, it becomes loose constantly. I do manage to get a screwdriver and tighten it but it's never quite been right. It works though and I've DONE MY BEST. I take care of myself in everything, alone, and I do the BEST I CAN. Frankly I don't care if it's wobbly. He started criticizing that too.

It all crossed a line. He was talking to me as if I'm a child he's allowed to judge and tell off.

I'm 54 and I've been living alone for 24 years.

I can take care of myself even though it's the hardest thing most of the time.

But I muddle through and I DON'T like to be judged for whether I'm doing a crappy job of that or not.

In the end, I didn't want to "play the card" about mental health, but he was going ON and ON about why didn't I take care of this, why is this like that, over and over, that I had to tell him it's all I can do just to cope with my life. Without telling him the intimate details of my life, the only thing that shut him up was blurting out to him that I deal every f*****g day with crippling depression, PTSD, anxiety and panic attacks and this f*****g tire is the least of my worries.

He finally backed off. I said angrily that I do the best I can. He conceded "We can only do the best we can." He finally stopped the damn endless nagging.

But I'm left angry and sad that it had to come to that. I don't want to tell basically a stranger my litany of mental crises. It's nobody's f*****g business, and neither is my bike tire. But I felt so intruded upon by his stream of judgmentalism that it all came busting out as the only thing to shut him up. I was upset and beginning to shut down. I was getting angrier and angrier at how rude he was really being.

Because even though I KNOW he was only trying to help, actually all this was very rude of him. The way he was saying these things. He didn't just make a reserved, friendly polite comment "Oh looks like you might need a new tire there, hehe." He was CHASTIZING me, as if I were a child. The last time I was spoken to that way was in a bad situation with a person who was abusive and said and did very much more than that, but this kind of talk too.

This man had NO RIGHT to chastize me about my damn bike. I even TOLD him I don't ride it on the roads, I don't ride in traffic. I'm not causing an accident. I would even get around to the tire eventually -- I had already looked online for prices. I DO do things on my own eventually. I had only wheeled the bike out with me today without riding it because it was carrying a heavy load for me that I can't carry in my arms, on foot, because I have chronic muscle inflammation so severe that I can't carry things.

Basically none of this was any of his business but I've come home in angry tears at even having to defend myself.

I didn't even bother to explain "executive funtioning" let alone ASD. I don't tell people about my ASD. I just told him the other things but I didn't even want to air those out in public either. I just wanted to give a reason why it's hard for me to get around to things. Because just saying I've been busy and it's been difficult lately to get around to everything I know I need to do wasn't enough, he wasn't stopping the chastizing.

I haven't had anything like this happen -- meaning somebody having such a goddamn NERVE with me -- in real life for years. I was so pissed off and surprised I barely managed to assert myself. I did the best I could but I'm still feeling so angry and like I did not do enough or say enough to stand up for myself.

I'm not making excuses. I'm not just "lazy" or neglectful or don't care. I genuinely struggle just to even take care of myself right now, let alone my stupid bike that I don't even use for roadways and traffic anyway. I just feel really judged by this perfect stranger. I walked away but I can't stop burning up with frustration now. I stood up for myself and even told HIM off for nagging me but it still feels like I didn't say firmly enough how f*****g RUDE he was being.

This is what happens when you LOOK from the outside like you're just another regular person who can cope perfectly well with everything in life. But what people don't know just by looking at you or even talking to you on a superficial and brief basis is that inside you are STRUGGLING. With EVERYTHING. And that they are lucky you even managed to put some damn clothes on or even be out of the house at all.

I'm so frustrated. This is a long rant I just needed to get off my chest, it's okay if nobody read the whole thing. I'm crying and sad and angry back here at home. I was firm with him but I actually wish I'd said " FCK OFF AND STOP JUDGING ME." Nobody knows what I go through just to do the smallest thing. I mean it. I'm crying again now.

BirdInFlight, the way you describe where you are at present was very evocative for me, and sometimes these dark passages (usually the darkest ones, in my own experience) can lead to some kind of important resolution or breakthrough for the Self (eventually). Then, when the terrible chaotic period ends, I have looked back and seen that self as it was, struggling to break through. Perhaps this has some similar meaning for you, though whatever you are going through, may your passage be swift and safe.

This poem may (or not) comfort you; the former I earnestly hope:

http://www.dailygood.org/story/734/a-bl ... o-donohue/

B19, thank you.

That poem is beautiful and it moved me to tears.

Thank you also for knowing this isn't just about a bicycle tire, in many ways.

I'm so burned out.

Sometimes in midlife I felt a despairing exhaustion so deep that it was more than tiredness of the body or of everyday mind. It was deep in my heart and soul. Had someone tried to tell me about this, when I was a much younger person, I would have been incapable of understanding or perceiving what they were trying to communicate; I understood only when I arrived there myself. Modern life puts great faith in psychology, as if our hardest inner times are only states of mind, rather than soul experiences; and to not be understood in the wholeness of oneself is a greater suffering. As ageing women on the spectrum we have few guides (perhaps none at all) in the midlife and senior passages of our lives. We go on like old-time explorers into a country none have mapped for us, more alone perhaps than ever before. It is not surprising that there are times in our aloneness that our self-caring capacity fails us: it too must need a rest, must become exhausted sometimes, and deserves rest and recovery. The most important thing right now is that you feel compassion and kindness toward yourself, for all your past strength and coping.

These dark spaces can be times of energy renewal. So whatever is happening for you, let it unfold as gently if you can, get the rest you need to renew, but above all regard yourself going through this with acceptance and love. I am glad you found comfort in the poem; John O'Donohue impressed me as a uniquely wise person with a deep understanding of personal suffering. He urged that people practice "blessing the space between us" as something we can do as an act of friendship and support. I would add perhaps that we need to bless ourselves too, as we navigate these dark passages.

What you say makes so much sense, and with such compassion. I'm crying again having just read this post -- but in a good way! Thank you for this, I value what you've just said to me more than you can know. Thank you B19 so very much.

a day in the life, any day

relating to all that, just back and told myself not to cry because it wasn't me, but here it goes

Aw thank you traven....don't cry!

If he so damned concerned about that bike tire, then tell him HE can pay to have it fixed!

Hah! When people say those things, their concern is to have something to put you down with—no sense spending precious resources of their own to help you fix the problem and reduce their supply of ammo against you in the process!

Meistersinger and Spiderpig, yes indeed, if he's so all caught up in a tire that isn't even any of his business, there must be more to it, and the chance to put someone down sounds like what was really going on, yep. Thanks for this, I think I needed a reminder about that angle on his deal, his side of why this was all a bit over the top on his part.

I know I shouldn't get so upset, knowing that this stuff was more about this interfering clod's issues, than anything. I guess he just got me already feeling vulnerable, and I'm so slow at processing unexpected stuff on the spot like this.

I don't think people can grasp the situation unless they've been there.When it feels like climbing Everest just to get up and get a drink of water.Sometimes well meaning people that dish out advice are the worst.
A lady once visited and told me I had a nice home but I should keep it cleaner.WTF?? At that time I as so depressed the last thing I wanted to do was dust the frickin house.I was doing good just to fix something to eat.

Misslizard -- exactly! When it's a miracle that one's depression or burnout allowed one to accomplish even the little thing you did manage to do, it's considerably demoralizing if someone comes along and criticizes you for the rest of your perceived failures.

I wouldn't want to hear what the lady who visited you would have to say about my place just right now.

I was reading this today and thought you might also find it affirming, BIF:

https://captainawkward.com/2014/06/29/g ... #more-6712

More generally speaking, there are a lot of articles on Captain Awkward that members may find interesting about navigating social life, and other issues we often see on Wrong Planet.

Wow thanks for posting that -- I've now bookmarked it! I laughed out loud at this: "if you do the Housework first, then you can still eat the pudding. And it will be the Pudding of Getting Sh!t Done."

I think I will give a try to this method, The Pudding of Getting Sh1t Done. That term alone is a mood-lifter, lol!

The guy who was criticizing you sounds autistic.

No, before everyone jumps all over me ... I used to date a guy who was a bit much to cope with, always telling me how I should do things differently, when he wasn't launching into lectures about "natural foods" and supplements. Long after I stopped seeing him, it occurred to me: Oh, yeah. He's more than bipolar, I've known other bipolar people who weren't like him - he's autistic.

It's helpful in interactions with others to remind yourself - they may be wrong, they may be more "off" than you. Not every friction is due to your weaknesses, often it's the other guy. It's okay to disregard them and not take their insulting intrusiveness personally. I mostly can manage nowadays to take my own side. I wish the same for you.

Bea, oh jeez you may be right. He did seem to get "stuck" in the groove of what he was saying, in a spectrum way I myself can do. In the heat of the moment of it all, all I could think about was how offended and overwhelmed I felt, particularly since I felt taken by surprise and the whole thing felt like a sudden battering out of the blue from a person being inappropriately intrusive.......and wow this is ironic. I couldn't make that call or speculation myself because I was so caught up in what the encounter was doing to my own equilibrium, which lately is thinly stretched at the best of times.

Thank you for this input, it's certainly something to consider.