I've lost it all

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Hello everyone

This thread is about seeking advice from my fellow aspies regarding the **** wreck I have turned my life into. If you’re not into long story threads this one’s not for you, but I appreciate those who read my story and try to help.

I just don’t know what to do anymore.

I’m 24 years old, was diagnosed at a young age (and confirmed it many times) and in the past year I have managed to turn my life into a pile of shark poop.

I’ve grown up in a middle class home with every opportunity I need to succeed in life in front of me still to this day. As a child/teenager I was a real prick and gave my parents a very rough ride until about 18 (marijuana, graffiti, talking back to teachers, cops, parents), all in all I was a ****rat and at around 18 I overcame a lot of my rebellious/nonsense actions and behaviors.

Around age 19 I had motivation to do better and around that time I started dating a (beautiful) girl.
I wrote my GED (because I screwed around in high school) and passed, went to a community college for a yearlong basic telecommunication’s course and passed with flying colors and recommendations.
I then got a job as a telco technician for the biggest company in Canada and worked there for about 2 years. I was regarded as a very good technician who thought outside the box a lot.

Somewhere around this time in my life my girlfriend became an alcoholic (we both were for the early years). It reached a point where she admitted herself to a detox center. While she was there I cheated on her and slept with another girl I had been talking to.

I never properly apologized or even realized how much of a terrible mistake I had made.

We pushed on.

I was talking to the owner of a local security business and was eventually offered a job as a locksmith/electrical technician (being a locksmith was a dream I had for many years) and took it. Not many people (even those trying towards a security job) get a chance like this. My boss was the most amazing boss one could have. I was amazed that he let me design, quote, install and maintain access control systems, camera systems, and a vast range of security products. I was also very good at lockouts and bypassing any type of system to gain them access when locked out.

Things were perfect(ish).

I had always had a very good skill for intrusion prevention and risk assessment (finding the hole that would screw the customer in every aspect). First time I will admit that skill only came because for a few years I contemplated going to the dark side (no longer an issue).

This brings us to about 6 months before today.

Although I still smoked pot it did not affect my life to the point where it was unmanageable. My friends started doing cocaine about a year ago. For most of my life (up until about 6 months ago) I hated it and condemned them using it very vocally, that is until one day after a few beers I tried it. As the weeks passed my use of the drug only got worse. At that time I was living with a friend and was using cocaine about once or twice a week. Eventually we all moved out because of the landlord and I moved back in with my parents.

My life only went downhill from there.

I used more and more, and when using cocaine I’m also an alcoholic (vise versa). Eventually I was so unstable that I was going into work at 9 am still high and drunk. My poor boss who everything I could wish for had to let me go (and rightfully so). I became even worse and after a couple weeks got some crap job to pay the bills.
Still, I was going to that job messed up as well because I didn’t care.
About 3 months ago my girlfriend called me as I was driving home from work, she said she couldn’t do this anymore (at this point she had overcame her addiction and was doing awesome).
We have broken up for a day a thousand times before when one of us is pissed off at the other, but after a few days I started to realize I lost my love.

Its been 3 months since she left me and im losing my s**t, there’s a huge hole in my chest that I feel all day every day. Every second weekend or so early in the morning (when im drunk and high still) I will become so overwhelmed with sadness and depression and harass her.
I call 40 times and if I don’t hear her voice I throw rocks at her window.

Today- I have not been using during the week, mostly because I have been in adult school and passed grade 11 math and im doing grade 12 math right now (89 % average, compared to the 0% I got in high school). I have been accepted to college and start electrical engineering in 2 months.
I still can barely make it a week without using drugs, I see my beautiful ex girlfriend in my mind all day and have been so depressed. I believe she is already moved on or near it (which I completely understand).
I feel insane, I feel sad, I feel hopeless……We almost had a life together and I truly believe this woman is my soul mate, I destroyed my life and the chance of growing old with the one person I feel I truly love.

I Feel most responses are going to be get clean and move on…I know that’s all I can do to have a normal life and I truly want that. But every day I wake up and get to remember everything I have lost.

I lost my baby, I lost my self-respect, and I’ve lost my mind.

I appreciate the responses and for those who just read this please learn a lesson, appreciate the things you have because you will never know what you had until its gone..

Regards,

The Commadore

Man, I really relate to and am living with a very, very similar thing outside of the cocaine use. I have addictions. I have addictions that have destroyed my marriage... like misery.

I wish I could say something comforting, but know all too well the words anyone says will not be comforting at a time like this. But the effort to say them can be. I know the pain of living with the regrets of knowing you f****d up the best thing that ever happened to you and can never get it back. I'm not yet three months into mine, only two. And we do still talk and are "separated" but, it's all formality, the love is gone because of my inabilities to control myself.

I'm not going to even touch on the drug use. I love to party. I can't judge. Also you know the damage it can cause and has caused. You don't need someone reiterating that I'm sure. However, if there ever was a hope that you could have your woman back you need to do two things: Stop the drugs/alcohol (because she has and can't live or be with a user) and stop harassing her (swallow that anxiety down and take it like a man-- I know it's VERY hard to do, I struggle with the same). If you can straighten yourself out and really feel that 'soulmate' connection mutually even if she 'moves on' temporarily, it doesn't have to be the end. I mean, you cheated on her. So if she dates someone else you really can't be too mad. Just hope that maybe in doing so, while also knowing you've cleaned up your act, she'll remember the things she loved about you and it will cause your paths to cross again. That's what a hopeful, wishful mind would think. Even if it may not be very realistic. also maybe if you get clean, since you were so good at your job, you can get back into it.

It's also that, and I know this personally, when you are someone who loves using drugs, either for recreation or self medication, or both, it's really hard to let that lifestyle go completely. And I get that and wish I knew what to tell you. I probably wouldn't stop drinking and smoking weed even if I knew my wife would come back (this was not an issue for us, just as an example) because I'd know without some drugs I really will not lead a happy day to day life.

Amen to your last lament my friend. I've been telling everyone who will listen that same exact thing as I beat myself up over years of taking my wife for granted. So many times I wish I could have just one back, and I didn't even realize how great I really had it until now.

Sorry I don't have more to add. It's just such a hard situation to even make a recommendation on. Like you said, clean your act up and move on... ok... sure... let me just go ahead and do that... why didn't I think of that? All you can do right no is endure. Try the best you can to use this as a learning experience. You are still very young and have presumably a long life ahead of you. If you fail to properly process and learn from this experience it will negatively impact all of your future relationships, and even your own mental health.

You've made this bed and you now have to lie in it. I tell myself this all the time these days. It hurts to accept, but it's the healthiest thing for me to do. Sometimes we f**k up and don't get a second chance, or in your case a third. And we need to learn to live with that without it breaking us. Sometimes it happens in very hurtful and damaging ways, but there's always a lesson to be learned. I believe, or am trying to, that if I take my medicine like a man right now, and accept what I've done without becoming bitter and hateful, that my reward will be something better at the end of it. I need to pay my penalty. And I'm hoping my willingness to do is building me up for something better if my wife never comes back. All I can do id tell you what I'm trying, not that any of this may be helpful to you.

Good luck to you with this grieving though. I really, really feel for you man. I do.

I suppose i already know the answers i was looking for, but that was more like venting. you have no idea how much i appreciate your response.

It gives me strength

I really want to, I have been managing to stay completely sober during the week days, but the past 2 Fridays i have used. I think about it for just a moment and know I dont have to work the next day and I loose control.

I start a 4 year electrical engineering program September 1st, I am also working 10 hours a day until that starts. I dreamed for so many years how awesome it would be to have the credentials to be accepted and im finally here but such a mess.

Even though I have only been using once a week, that 40 hours or so of being messed up is insane. I have been avoiding all my so called friends because they dont understand what its like inside my head. They think things are much simpler than I see it to be, they are all also very two faced and obsessed with social drama in our friend circle, one of the things I have never understood or gotten involved in.

Im sorry to everyone here to create a post about drug addiction without much mentioning of my Aspergers but I dont know who to talk to.

Yesterday I took my fathers visa card and withdrew (stole) about 140 dollars. I feel terrible, I'm just waiting for him to check the records and get mad. He has no idea I use hard drugs, he knows im an alcoholic though. That was such a terrible thing to do. Im feeling like such a sh***y son right now. But if i go into treatment he will be so disappointed that my school program will be pushed a year.

On monday I am going to push myself to go to an AA meeting. I understand treatment is what I should be doing but I feel so stuck.

Im so glad to have a place to vent.

Hey checkin in on you too brother... Same here your story makes makes me really hope for you man. I'd even pray if I thought it'd do anything... but it hasn't for me lol...

The only thing I'd like to add is that I think this is one of life's cycles. You work so hard, achieve so much, and when everything is perfect - KA-BOOM! Total self-destruction. I don't know why, but it has the effect of getting us back up on the horse, as they say. As I read your posts, it seems you're on that path, and I think you'll get to where you want to be. But don't ever think it's perfect and you've arrived. Enlarge your dreams. If your own life gets perfect, spread your efforts out to the the unfortunate - house the homeless, work in a soup kitchen, etc. Or the Earth itself that needs help. Keep going.