frustrated...

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Why do I get so frustrated with my boyfriend? Right now, my obsession has been to figure out what is going on with me right now, though I have no direction to go, I have some pretty damn good ideas of what I have. Since I have officially been diagnosed with BPD (nevermind it was only on a 3 day stay at a place and I was in a very abusive relationship at the time), that's his reason for everything.

He has a very vague idea of what BPD is, but he's identified it as part of my identity. Last night we were talking and he blaintantly says "well, I know you have it."

me: how do you know I have anything?

him: well, it projects onto me and that's what BPD does, it projects.

me: did you bother to pay attention to the fact that with BPD it seems to be just about anything can trigger it and most people hate the person by the end of the rage?

him: well, I feel it, so I know.

me: but it's solely situational, something has actually happened that sends me on my rant and it's never at you, it's never about you, it's never any of that-it's usually over something simple and by the end of it it's me asking why and trying to make sense of it, not name calling and putting blame on anyone.

Well, you see where that's going... But simply because I was diagnosed and have been in an abusive relationship at all, he considers it to be a 100% correct diagnosis, yet there's a lot that can't be explained. Since I'm a bit obsessed with this right now, he calls again tonight and once again I'm talking about it again. Tonight he decided to use an example apparantly that started "you have ptsd" and claimed there is no way I don't have it. This one, I've never been diagnosed with. So of course I argue it because it doesn't make sense to me-sure maybe one or 2 things I have issues with, but it doesn't effect my every day life, and I get stuck on the fact that he said I have it. Later he tries to tell me he didn't mean it that way and it was an example (he never mentioned this statement was an example), but I was still frustrated because I didn't get that it was an example and that he wasn't saying it-I don't even know what the rest of the argument was even about because all the way through it I was annoyed by him saying I had it, lol.

I get hung up on the small details, and he's constantly trying to relate to this. I'll get hung up on or annoyed by the way someone states something than by what they actually meant it as or what they actually said. I don't even care what is said after that because he doesn't get that I'm stuck on this stupid comment he started it with and am not even making sense of what he says after that because I don't get the first part. We're not on the same page at all, and he tries to play it off like we are.

Every time I yell or get upset about anything, he states it's a BPD thing simply because it "projects". I'm constantly trying to explain to him "if a friend is extremely annoyed with something and they're ranting and you understand why they are upset, don't you start getting frustrated too after a bit? It's perfectly logical in any situation where somebody is extremely upset and you don't understand why or cannot relate that after a while it would start to feel like it was directed at you because you don't have anything to relate it with, all you hear is someone yelling, and they are talking to you, so you feel it instead of being able to relate, especially if you are looking for a reason for them to be upset and cannot see it the way they do".

He always blows it off though, and says it's different, but I don't understand why and he doesn't bother to tell me, so I get more frustrated because I cannot understand if he doesn't explain it. He's completely discounting everything I find that might help me, or might explain why I think the way that I do and do the things that I do-especially AS because he says it all points to BPD, yet he can say that I have ptsd and not even flinch.

I really don't understand why he can't just listen, why he feels a need to respond to it, to put hisself in the middle of it and trying to help me figure it out, but he does this all the time. I love him to death, but I really just don't get why he does this and it's plagueing me right now. When he does it too, he gets me really confused, I'll start trying to match myself up to things again, every single time, just to see what fits and what doesn't, just to get it to make sense again to me at least, even if not to anyone else, I do this for me, for reassurance that I might be going in the right direction with it. It gets my thoughts jumbled back up into a huge blob and I have to go and sort it out again every time he tries to relate... I really just wish he'd understand I want him to listen, but it's MY problem and it's me who lives with it every day, it's not his problem to fix or understand, or try to make sense of. It's solely mine. ...or maybe I just wish I could shut up about whatever is on my mind so that things like this won't happen, lol.

Me=venting right now, thanks for your time

by the way, lol, when I talk to him I'm not yelling from the get-go about these things-I get frustrated trying to explain and the more excited I get the louder my voice gets, but it's like that with everything, even if I'm talking about something my son did, or the dog across the street.

I'm not trying to blame him either as it sounds from the post probably, I'm just frustrated with the overall situation of him wanting to fix things-I understand he's just like that naturally and I don't want it to change, what I'm frustrated about is I just don't get the whole thing at all. Why do our conversations go round and round all the time? Why does he feel the need to help? What does he mean by projection? Why does he think I'm yelling at him when I'm obviously annoyed by something entirely different? Why does he think I'm yelling? ...and ultimately... WHY do I keep asking why about everything that I don't understand-why can I seem to not "get it" that things just don't make sense sometimes, that emotional things cannot make sense logically since they are not "logical"... they just happen, spontaneously... people do things, spontaneously... people react to things that way as well, and it just seems I'm stuck in a whirlwind while trying to figure things out, and most of these things don't need figuring out. It seems like it should be so easy to just stop trying, but it's not.

Nobodysdream:

If you have BPD, you can't just turn it off. So don't be so hard on yourself. If your bf doesn't understand BPD, then it's going to cause problems between you. It's not that he doesn't get it. It's that he's scared of it. I don't blame him. But that doesn't mean you're a bad person either. Do you take meds, and if you don't maybe you should see someone and try to get them. I used to have terrible problems (I'm not BPD, but I'm close to it) until someone got me on the right meds. They help. At least I can control it in situations where I couldn't before. If you've got it, you've got it. No big deal if you can stop the feeling of going in tighter and tighter circles.

Your boyfriend is not going to understand. You have to understand, and you have to take steps to control it. Sometimes, if the other person is really a good human being, sitting down one night, possibly lying on the floor, with an arm around him, and explaining very carefully what BPD is, and that you're not just being disagreeable can do wonders.
Luck!
btdt

Until my diagnosis switches, there's nothing I can do about it. I did tell him today to please stop trying to cram me into a diagnosis I don't fit. I've read over it, I've analyzed it, I've asked others, and it just does not fit me right-and he even admits that it doesn't fit me right. He admitted he does this-that he confuses BPD with who I am, and that since it's the only thing he's looked up, he tries to force me into it when I do something out of the norm. He said he hasn't looked up anything else, not seriously-he sees a LOT of AS traits in me, moreso than BPD, but said regardless he's still trying to cram it into fitting BPD because he doesn't look at other things seriously.

At least he knows he is doing this. I told him the circumstances for the diagnosis were extremely poor (including they switched my meds 2 times within 3 days which is just wonderful when you're diagnosing someone), and that we should just look at it as unknown since I'm seeing a therapist 7 years later to figure it out, and he's taking his time to work on it. Not just slapping a label on me to get me in and out of there. He also understands how discrediting it sounds when I try to talk to him when he ignores other things I say and just picks and searches for things that "fit".

So hopefully it'll clear up some confusion

Thanks for the response by the way, I completely understand what you mean-I've known a lot of BPD people myself. I just cannot relate to them one bit. I don't "get" the emotional ups and downs, they don't make sense to me, I don't get the anger, I don't get a lot of the stuff they do. It just doesn't click. I watch and try to figure it out.

If I had it, it wouldn't be a bad thing. I just don't. lol. Does that make sense?

I look over the criteria, read stories about these people who have it, and I just don't relate, I don't have that, my life isn't hectic, it's just unorganized. I don't spend insane amounts of cash willy nilly, or do drugs, or drink, or cut myself or any of that, I'm never suicidal, I don't feel "empty" I just feel numb at times and it's when I'm overwhelmed by whatever I'm thinking about at the time, I don't throw fits over stupid little things and hate someone for a week or even an hour, etc. I could pick apart the criteria, and it just doesn't fit me. Not saying it's a bad horrible thing, but it's bad to be diagnosed with something you don't fit, and have someone hanging it over you to explain everything and discounting other things that happen, lol. Makes for a lot of confusion overall.

I don't think your boyfriend understands clearly what BPD is... it's best if you go on meds so your BPD dosen't effect your lifestyle too much. I know some people that have BPD that go into denial and reject the fact that they have it so then they don't take their meds and they well.... do the things that people with BPD do. I think your boyfriend is afraid of the fact that you do have BPD and that he's afraid that you'll do soemthing to him if your off your meds. What you need to do is just try to make sure BP dosen't effect your lifestyle and that you make sure your boyfriend knows about this illness so that he could understand you better.

lol, I am completely non-violent. Never have been, never will be, I don't even verbally attack him.

I've never been on meds, never needed them, I don't injure myself, I'm not a danger to anyone. I don't verbally attack anyone. I never hate anyone or love them to death-I could care less either way at all times. I'm not in denial of it, I never have been-I wore that label for 6 years and never could understand why I didn't fit in with people who had it, but I didn't deny it and have never needed meds for it.

Yesterday when talking he said that I don't have blowups over nothing-I wasn't interrogating, just conversing, and HE brought it up when I just asked him what he thought about it overall.

Maybe I'm not saying what I mean in the correct manner so it's coming across as me being defensive, but really I'm just saying, what he's afraid of, and he told me this yesterday, is of something I have NOT been diagnosed with. It's easier for him to accept a diagnosis that has been made and not question it, than to look at circumstances that were surrounding the diagnosis, and how I act today vs. anything else. He also hasn't looked that closely at BPD, he knows what it is and what it does, but doesn't know enough about it to realize my issues are very different.

I know this is coming out wrong, so I'm just going to clarify I guess what I'm meaning here about myself.

I don't have abandonment issues in the least, I know people come and go, I don't get attached to anyone or fear them leaving. Most people I've talked to about this who have BPD worry if someone is gone for longer than 5 minutes (for some) or a day, that the person is never going to come back, they call, they worry, they beg, they cry, etc. I don't. Generally, if someone is gone for more than 10 minutes, I don't even think to call them until they call me, lol. Kind of like "out of sight, out of mind" type of thing. If they say they need to leave, I'm shuffling them out the door almost so that I can get back to what I was doing when they came over, or get involved in working on something else.

I've never been suicidal.

The only time I ever had SI issues was when I was actually in this abusive relationship. Nothing since, nothing before.

When I get upset/frustrated/angry, it's always because of something happening that was not planned, something being moved and I cannot find it, too much noise going on somewhere, too much going on in a room I'm in, things I simply don't understand...-even then I just vent, I don't lash out at people. I don't throw things, I don't scream at the top of my lungs, I don't say horrible things to him, I don't say horrible things about others, what I do say over and over when I'm upset is that I just don't understand why or what someone is trying to tell me. I like to have that reason behind things, I like to understand. When I don't understand, I get upset. It has nothing to do with something someone did or anything. Most BPD people I know, and according to the criteria, it's almost always directed at a person, or gets to a point of them throwing things around, telling people they hate them, name calling, etc. I'm never mad at anyone, I just get upset when I don't understand a situation. Once things are explained in a way I understand, I'm fine.

I never feel empty, I just get numb at points because I'm thinking too much. Even then I'm not really positive that it's numb, I'm just thinking too much at the time to know what I'm feeling because I'm not thinking about how I'm feeling-I'm thinking of something I'm interested in, I'm thinking of what I need to do next, I'm thinking about some small detail of something that was said or something I read and contemplating it. I'm in my own little world.

I've only been in one abusive relationship-and it was a stupid decision I made. Since then, my relationships are not unstable, we hardly talked, lol, ever. I just left because it wasn't for me. Nothing about them were unsafe, harmful, explosive, or any of that. We just had differences and communication seemed to be the center problem-it wasn't getting resolved, I stayed for 2 years in each, so I left, we went separate ways. I didn't leave out of anger, it just didn't make sense to stay in a relationship where I couldn't talk to the person I was with and vice versa.

My mood rarely changes. Everyone has days they are irritable, but mine don't fluctuate severely. I don't go from happy to sad or anything instantly. I don't get the anger to sadness, the happiness to anger, any of that.

Things I do are not emotionally driven, they're thought driven, if that makes sense

I know you guys don't know me, and BPD people are "known" to be manipulative and everything else, but it's not me. I don't have the time and energy to waste on being manipulative to change someone's views of me. I don't even really care about someone's view of me unless I'm close to them, lol, or trying to explain something that I seem to be missing when I talk about it.

I'm only responding to try to better explain what I was frustrated about the other day. I could care less about it now, but I'm just trying to convey everything I'm thinking about lately and make it understandable. If it clears things up, then good if not, ah well, I gave it a shot, lol. It's ultimately between my therapist and I, and people in my daily life that it matters to know for sure what is causing it.