My mom had a misdiagnosed heart attack a week ago and nearly died from the complications. Her surgeon luckily was very quickwitted and successfully performed the emergency surgery. But everybody kept reminding us that, normally, she could have not even made it to the ER.
Something weird happened. I got the call and went on auto pilot. I looked for the biggest bag I could find and started packing things I thought were useful. Of course I was shocked. I was on the phone with her for less than 5 minutes and kept saying "I will take care of everything, I will make it". And kept telling myself that later. I still had about an hour until I could visit her, so I cleaned the house and quickly ate a little snack and made sure I would pack something to drink. For that one hour, I won over executive dysfunction. I made a list and did not forget a single thing. I spent last weekend between the hospital and home, only to attempt to sleep. I went shopping a little, did yard work for her and took care of the dogs. I did not eat and sleep well, but it worked. Of course I crashed hard and broke down crying multiple times, but I had everything organized and taken care of. I was and still am in shock, but I think I, considering the circumstances, did well. It was really painful and I will have to work out the anger and frustration about the misdiagnose soon. My energy levels are depleted from being so very scared, but I am glad things are looking better now. She's the only family I have. But I am also a bit proud of me, how well I managed this terrible situation. And she told me she is, too. She said she knew I would take care of everything.
My enstranged godmother, who used to be her best friend, called the other day and said things which completely threw me off track, to be honest. And I am angry that someone like her has so much power over me. She's displayed some histrionic traits and I am on my guard when we run into each other. But I thought that this one time, she could be decent and wouldn't aim for the throat. For her old friend, if not for me.
She starts the call by saying "Your mom didn't answer my call, she is dead, I am sure something happened again and she is dead now.". I told her she's seeing a friend. "Oh, then... She worries a lot about you and your future of course, but she smokes too, so that can cause a heart attack as well". Ouch, but okay. She traps me in a conversation, asks me what happened in detail, so on, so on. I tell her the story. And then, before ending the call she says. "Your mom won't survive a second heart attack and you cannot take care of yourself. You still need a few years to learn that. One could only wish, for your sake, that she lives another 50 years".
I was petrified. Even if that is the genuine opinion of a very entitled stranger... Like that is the appropriate moment to say it. It hurt so much. This woman has a very faint idea of what I'm like, does not know how or that I'm struggling at all. No, I'm not an actor. But I never let her see my inner world. And now I'm beating myself up over what she said and doubting all the progress I have made over the years. It feels like she threw it away for me. And that is a shame, that I am so insecure about this. But what can I say... Good shot. She tapped into a a very big fear of mine.
I just wanted to share this and get it off my chest. And tell you that you hopefully never are in a situation to see a loved one like this, but if it happens to you, I am sure that you will channel all your strength and everything you learned over the years. No matter how hard it is.
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KΥΚΛΩΨ, ΕΙΡΩΤΑΣ Μ’ ΟΝΟΜΑ ΚΛΥΤΟΝ, ΑΥΤΑΡ ΕΓΩ ΤΟΙ ΕΞΕΡΕΩ·ΣΥ ΔΕ ΜΟΙ ΔΟΣ ΞΕΙΝΙΟΝ, ΩΣ ΠΕΡ ΥΠΕΣΤΗΣ.
ΟΥΤΙΣ ΕΜΟΙ Γ’ ΟΝΟΜΑ·ΟΥΤΙΝ ΔΕ ΜΕ ΚΙΚΛΗΣΚΟΥΣΙ ΜΗΤΗΡ ΗΔΕ ΠΑΤΗΡ ΗΔ’ ΑΛΛΟΙ ΠΑΝΤΕΣ ΕΤΑΙΡΟΙ.
21 Aug 2016, 10:23 am
