What can I say? To those of you who don't know my story, here is a brief recap. My mother alternated between treating me like an infant and like a lover. My stepfather treated me like a living and breathing punching bag. My aunt and uncle treated me like a living and breathing sex toy. And since I was autistic and since I had meltdowns on a regular basis, everybody around me used my autism as an excuse to dismiss every word that came out of my mouth.
Anybody could do (and usually did) whatever he wanted to do to me, and there was absolutely nothing that I could have done about it.
I want a childhood where I am allowed to be a child. That is never going to happen.
On the other hand, I have a tendency to drive myself crazy by going after elusive and unobtainable goals. A part of me feels as if I were to do something with my life that was indisputably great, I would finally have some respect in my bloodline.
I do not know how I should feel. I should have moved past this stage a long time ago.
Nobody is taking advantage of me today. Yet I still question the intentions of everybody who wants to spend time with me. I still question the intentions of anybody who gives me a compliment. I cannot bring myself to accept praise at face value.
I feel incredibly alone. Like the world would not miss me if I were to pass away in my sleep tonight. Like perhaps I am worth more to my family dead than alive.
No, I am not going to do anything stupid tonight.
I just feel like numbing out. I have been medicating myself with pornographic manga, Mary Jane and video gaming. And, no surprise, I feel even emptier as a result of that. That route is not working. Time to find a new one.
I feel a.vast emptiness in my soul. It is like I can feel it when I see somebody else around me who is in pain, yet I feel unworthy of coming to his aid, like I have nothing worthwhile to offer.
I am lost.
27 Aug 2016, 12:22 am
