Unfit to be Human

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This is how I feel. Nothing is natural and I am a joke.

I see in another thread that calling someone autistic is the new calling of them ret*d. I remember in school hiding and hoping they didn't realize.

I wish I was dead already. I don't want to be here anymore. I don't understand and I can't belong, so why would I want to be here?

I've been lurking on a forum for net trolls and such types, more than is really good for me, and over there they throw around "autism" and "sperg" and "sped" and the like all the time as insults directed at their targets. My worry is that NT's will start attacking autistics in the real world as a result. If they notice a little different mannerism or something, that person will get punched/beaten, stabbed, or shot. Words don't necessarily have to lead to action, but they can.

I'm sad to see you having these feelings, Androbot. What happened to bring this black mood on? It seemed only yesterday you were feeling buoyant.

It makes me feel "othered."



Thanks Bea. I am up and down. It's the stress of my impending move and my ongoing job search and corresponding lack of money. I had to borrow from 2 people to get money for the deposit and it just makes me feel so pathetic.

Girl, stop labeling yourself like that. Instead of "so pathetic" how about "short on cash"? You are doing things to fix that, there is no need to beat yourself up.

Anyway, I hope you can try to get some stability in your life soon, as it is helpful for most all of us. Feel better soon, hon.

I don't think that people outside of the autistic community identify as a collective against people on the spectrum. Most of them wouldn't know what you meant if you called them NT... There is no "them", just lone bullies who pick on people who are different. The internet and anonymity gives them power. In the real world people wouldn't dare say anything for fear of retribution, unless we are talking about school kids or dumb gangsters.

I know how you feel.mi feel like I'm sub human.

Thanks. I do have a lot of applications out. Maybe something will turn up. And I am getting through my course.


I hope so too. My strategy is to not set goals which I will fail at. I have to be more mindful of my limitations.


It's a rotten feeling. I am still recovering from a meltdown yesterday. I think I am feeling especially down because my Mom's neighbour died. She was very old and it was probably for the best, but I remember her when she was much more vibrant. It makes me sad at the loss of her.

Ive always thought of you as a lovely caring person,someone I'd like to know in real life.The human race doesn't seem to offer much,maybe sub-human is better.Ive never really felt a part of the human race,but when I see what they do,maybe that's a good thing.

Thanks liz.

Just what BeaArthur says and to add, im in a similar position, where a certain change in events put something out of sink and became a cascade of knock on effects... I detest borrowing, i hate owing, i dont even have credit cards or an overdraft, i dont want the added stress, i only use what i have, and when that gets impeded on im in sudden anxiety and stress mode... But have and am learning just to see it as another challenge and realise everybody generally faces this issue to some level at some point and it help lowers the anxiety a little realising i'm not the only one ... It always works out in the area eventually, but it still doesnt make it any easier. How are things now? a little better?

Yes, better. I didn't self-harm and I got a new apartment for October 1. This brings to a conclusion my failed roommate experiment. I'm basically living at my Mom's now anyway. Her apartment is tiny, it's a bachelor in the senior's complex. Now that I've got a place we are getting along better as we see an end to this arrangement.

The place I'm moving to is a bachelor in what used to be a Super 8 motel. So basically it's a motel room with a lease; included are hydro, heat, wireless internet and there is a laundry service. It is pet friendly so I can have my cats. And .....my own bathroom. I am so pleased about this. I did not realize that sharing a bathroom is basically having access to a public toilet. My room is right by the bathroom too so I can hear the guys when they are using it.

So, yeah, even though I was having a massive meltdown I was able to secure this place. My Mom's neighbour says it's known as the schizo hotel and I don't doubt it, but whatever, I'll fit in. It is a mixture of students and young benefit recipients.

I still feel a massive sense of unbelonging. It's like I'm pretending, going through the motions, but I don't genuinely experience what I am doing. My life feels like a prison sentence. Stuck in this painful body surround by superficial idiots (present company excepted) and no hope of ever being able to live the life I want to.

I have decided that I am going to learn to quilt. I have never been good at sewing; the only time I used a sewing machine was in home economics back in 1983 and I found it to be a terrifying experience. I hope to be better able to learn to use it on my own. I've always wanted to do landscape quilting or "art" quilting and my idea is to design each square as a room of a dollhouse, so the completed quilt is a complete dollhouse.

That's a neat idea! (the dollhouse quilt)

Possibly you can join a local group of quilters which will offer you some undemanding human contact.

You need to build a social circle, not great friends maybe, but people with whom you can exchange light pleasant words. If not quilters, be friendly with the lady at the library, or the clerk at the convenience store. It's surprising what a difference it makes to have some enjoyable, lightweight social contacts. The new place sounds okay; what sort of kitchen or cooking facilities will you have? Is there a common kitchen?

I'm glad you are doing a little better today.

Thanks


The suite has a kitchenette and a full bathroom. I think there is a common kitchen as well.


Thank you.