Meaning

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I don't know how to find meaning in my life. Feeling limited for so many years has made me dismissive of the things that "normal people" use to make themselves feel worthwhile, and there's hardly anything that I find satisfying these days on an emotional level. I can sometimes let myself get lost in distractions, creativity in particular, but at the end of the day it's like everything is out of focus. There isn't much that I like about myself, and even if I managed to achieve the longshot goals I set for myself in life, I'm not really confident that it would make me happy. It's hard trying to understand how I got to this point of being without friends or beliefs or anything to keep me grounded. I worry because I see my life being slowly poured down the drain, and as much as I want to stop it I don't even really know how to take the first step.

Good. So we agree that god is dead and life is things eating things. There's no intrinsic meaning to anything.

Now, the frustrating thing is that Bojack Horseman might be right that in this sh***y world, all we are is the connections we make.

I'm there with you on the quest for meaning and I'm afraid the answer might be that all that's there is to pass the time in way that the question doesn't come up too often.
For me, work works. My job is creative, so that helps. And it connects me with people, sometimes people I like and we go out after finishing a comission and become friends, based on our common interest in the work we do together and the way we contribute to projects.

But whenever I have a few days off and all to myself, I lack a reason to go out and start to feel the same way. Hence the conclusion that killing time in any way that suppresses the fundamental questioning behind the meaning of the activity I chose seems to be the way.

There's jobs that are dull, with dull people involved, which don't do the trick. So...it's not just any work. It's only work that makes you want to do it into the wee hours.
What's your choice of creative self-entertainment?