I need to learn how to move on.

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It goes like this. My mother will say something extremely painful. Instead of taking those words for what they are, I immediately internalize everything. And a lifetime of pain comes flooding back to me in a matter of seconds, as if it all just happened that very second.

I get trapped on a hamster wheel of rage and self-pity. And the more I try to run, the deeper the feelings become.

I need help that goes far beyond what any Internet forum can provide. I recognize that.

It feels like pain is the only thing in my life that is consistent.

KL, I'm sorry you had this experience. I have two thoughts. First, you do need to distance yourself from your family of origin, because it appears they have let you down (and still let you down) in every imaginable way. In other words, your mother is somewhat toxic, and others are even worse.

Second, there are techniques in therapy that can work on those triggering, automatic thought processes. You need to not only say but believe that you are a valuable person and you deserve to be happy. A therapist can really help with this.

You are nearly through your dreaded long weekend. I'm glad you are still with us. Hang in there.

Yeah, that is pretty much what my sponsor has been telling me today. I have this tendency to believe everything negative that people say about me, even if it contradicts reality, and to dismiss compliments and words of people who care about me. My internalized hatred of myself seemingly knows no boundaries. Yeah, I am making progress by starting to set up boundaries to keep myself safe, and by sticking to them, but I still feel like I am doing something terribly wrong when I take that route of action.

I need a vacation from my family. I won't make a massive show about it. I just simply will let the calls go to voicemail for two days, then three, then four or five. I will make a gradual break to not set off any alarms. And I will keep all conversations with them impersonal.

But the real issue is that I really do not like myself all that much as a person. I know it is because I internalized decades of abuse. I know I am living in a world of fiction in that respect. Yet it feels like my reality. Hence the need for therapy.

Sounds like you're on the right path, KagamineLen!

Well, my therapist keeps on asking me what I want to do with my life that I can pull off realistically.

I want to improve my physical health.

I want to get a degree in computer science.

I want to learn the Chinese language.

I want to learn how to play chess, and how to play go.

I want to plan and budget for some solo trips around the USA. Maybe hit a beach town with a few books when the weather is nice.

I want to learn how to cook healthy meals. I have become far too reliant on fast food for my own good.

OK, I obviously cannot tackle all of these things at once without driving myself f*****g insane, so I will start with improving the physical health and learning how to cook. And budgeting for a vacation, since I can set aside some money every month for a trip next year.

I have to be somewhat selfish in my own recovery, and I cannot allow myself to feel bad about that. My therapist and my sponsor both keep hammering in that I am the most important person in my own recovery.

Your goals sound like worthy ones, KagamineLen.

Eating right and improving your physical health
will give you the energy you need to tackle your other goals.
And you'll start feeling better right away.

Sounds like you've got a plan.

Well, I am going to try a different SSRI starting today. Wish me luck.

I do not ever want to fly as far off the handle as I did the last few days ever again.