Nobody cares if I live or if I die.

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KagamineLen
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03 Sep 2016, 5:51 pm

I have no family. I have no solid ties. I am disposable to all who know me.

If I were to fall asleep and never wake up again, nobody would actually care enough to notice. It would be months before my body is discovered at my apartment.

I thought I found a family outside of blood, but I really am nothing more to them than an afterthought. I have no reason to live.



KagamineLen
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03 Sep 2016, 6:15 pm

I do not even know why I even bother continuing to post here. Most of my threads are completely and utterly ignored. I have no family here, just like I have no family anywhere else.

Nothing that a fifth of 151, some Coca Cola, and a bottle of sleeping pills can't fix, however.



kraftiekortie
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03 Sep 2016, 6:29 pm

You have your friends, right?

Don't devalue your friends.



dcj123
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03 Sep 2016, 6:32 pm

Mixing sleeping pills with alcohol is a good way to not wake up, take care with dosage.

Also you have made threads like this before, not complaining but I am notice a pattern here. Maybe your in some kind of cycle of disappointment.



kraftiekortie
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03 Sep 2016, 6:39 pm

Could you call somebody in real life?

I don't ignore you.



KagamineLen
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03 Sep 2016, 7:04 pm

Well, considering how nobody cares enough about me to even answer the phone when I call anymore, I have nobody to talk to in the real world.

I cannot go to my meetings any more because nobody cares enough about me to give me a ride any more, and I do not drive. I have not been to a 12-step meeting in more than 3 months, and nobody has noticed that I have gone missing. Because I mean nothing to them. I mean nothing to just about everybody. I am nobody important. I am devoid of worth.

And when I do get somebody on the phone, they pounce on the first opportunity they can get to end the conversation. Like somebody more interesting than I am walking by them on the street.

The thing is, people assume I am a retard, and they want nothing to do with retarded KagamineLen. They want to hang with their neurotypical buddies instead.

And they have blood families who love them and who value them. I do not even have that much. I have nobody. I am truly alone in the world.



kraftiekortie
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03 Sep 2016, 7:09 pm

I wish I could prove you wrong.

I wish I could prove to you that you are a viable person.

I wish you just go out and enjoy Nature and music.



dcj123
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03 Sep 2016, 7:13 pm

And you measure your worth on other people?

Don't do that, what do you need in a 12 step meeting? Do you have a drug or alcohol problem? (Cause thats the only context I know them in) Is there some other reason?

If its for addiction then just stop. I know that sounds over simplified but its not really, if you don't want to stop then you won't stop. 12 steps might help in the thought process needed to walk away but you don't need it. You are not dependent on it nor should you be dependent on anyone. What about other people do you need?

A family is nice but it comes with its own problem. Respect what reality the universe gave you, I'll never have people that care either. It hurts but there are other reasons to live.



KagamineLen
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03 Sep 2016, 8:56 pm

Funny, I drink to forget, but it has the opposite effect.

I feel like I belong nowhere.

Like I have no place in the world.

I am a survived miscarriage. My family has made that clear to me. And people resent that I was breathing when I was born. Oh, and I was born with autism on top of it. They just really f*****g loved that.

I was never meant to be to begin with. Yet here I am. It was foolish of me to expect to find my place in the world.



boeing.angrybird
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03 Sep 2016, 11:30 pm

I know life can be hard and seem harsh; I think unfortunately many on here have felt that way. I understand what it is like to be in a dark place and misunderstood. I believe that everyone has a purpose and a place in this world. This is much easier said than believed, I get that, but I hope you are able to work through this difficult period.
Have you ever thought about volunteering somewhere- soup kitchen, building a home or playground, cleaning up a park, etc. Volunteering has helped me place value in my life.
I really hope you are able to find the help that you need.


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KagamineLen
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03 Sep 2016, 11:57 pm

If I were to take my life tonight, nobody would notice. I mean absolutely nothing to the world around me.



Chronos
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04 Sep 2016, 4:33 am

KagamineLen wrote:
If I were to take my life tonight, nobody would notice. I mean absolutely nothing to the world around me.


I'm sorry you are in the situation you are in. I was in the candy shop the other day and there was an older gentleman in front of me, and when the girl at the counter asked him if he would like to buy some lollipops because they were on sale, he declined, and when she suggested he buy them for a family member, he said he had no family, and then said he would take a family over the candy he bought any day.

I'm telling you this because a lot of people are in your situation, and it might do you some good to reach out and try to connect with someone who is also in your situation of not having any family.

Unfortunately, people in your situation will often have to be the ones to take the initiative to form close social connections, and while people on the spectrum often struggle with this, it's not impossible.

If you like kids, you might consider becoming a mentor or "big brother" to a kid in the foster care system, or a young adult who has aged out of the foster system and still needs help in life. These people often don't have families either, and struggle a lot because of it, particularly around the holidays.

You might also consider joining an organization that has a lot of social events, or a close community. I was once in a lounge in a hospital at 10pm once, and it was packed full of people. There were about 30 people in there, and I had not realized they were all together until they formed prayer circle. They were members of a church congregation. One of their other members had apparently been hospitalized, and all of these people came together at the hospital to pray for them.

Anyway, there are always people out there who you can mean a lot too, and who need you as much as you need them, even if you haven't met them yet.

I realize that not driving is a big obstacle. You might consider Lyft or Uber if they operate in your area, or public transportation, or cycling if possible.



b9
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04 Sep 2016, 4:53 am

everyone that does not rise to some sort of historic fame will be forgotten within a few hundred years anyway.
who knows who their great great great grandparents were? not many.

people throughout time who are average people are lost to the obliteration of time.

all the people's minds who they "live on" in memory will die too, and at some point, everyone is not in living memory of anyone on earth.

and their details are lost to the winds of time. what they were like as a person, their senses of humor, their fears and their hopes are all buried and gone and forgotten.

even people who did rise to a point of historic fame are not mourned for their loss in the world. like who on earth would shed a tear that einstein is now dead? as much as he is admired, no one cares that he is dead now.

this is an interesting clip i am sure i have posted before that shows life on a san-francisco street in the year 1906.

so even new born babies in the clip (of which there are none) would be almost surely dead by now.

that means that every living thing in this clip is dead and gone and forgotten, even though, for all of them, it was "today", and they felt, just like we do, that their lives would take a long time to end and they were all thinking about what they were going to do that night or whatever.
each of them are like we are now. not thinking about the future when we would no longer be here.



so, if you have friends, they and you will be dust in a 1000 years anyway.



Clakker
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08 Sep 2016, 5:34 pm

If you have autism then you're going to have to live with that levee within you. It's keeps the emotions contained but there is bound to be spill over from time to time. Life with autism is, often, like living on an emotional flood plane and that emotional state your in right now isn't permanent, nothing really is. One of my favorite poets concluded that he was nobody and I'm the better for it.


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Today, suddenly, I reached an absurd but unerring conclusion. In a moment of enlightenment, I realized that I'm nobody, absolutely nobody. Fernando Pessoa


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beakybird
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09 Sep 2016, 6:22 am

I some ways i do relate to what you are saying. Im going, and have for the last few years, a time of profound rejection... a feeling that almost always drives me to the brink of suicide and its the worst form of rejection ever...

I too get my value from other people, and thankfully have maybe two people who care, which i used to complain about but now am trying tovbe thankful cuz its more than alot of people have...

The only thing i can say about killing yourself is obvious... its final... theres no hope of ever getting better. You never know who ir what today will bring...sounds ignorant but its really true man...

Listen u ever need to talk to someone, feel free to pm me if u wish. Even if u just need an ear (or eyes as the case may be) im fairly desperate for people to talk to these days myself... i dont have the greatest attention span sometimes, but im always happy to hear someones trohbles and try to be understanding.