(Sort of) Winning ?

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I had a meltdown last week and my thoughts were very low and chaotic. I didn't know what to do so I'm really throwing myself into work, study and exercise this week, definitely (and deliberately) to the point of excess. I'm doing 30 hours physical work, 20 hours data entry, 3+hours study a day, plus burning myself out daily with my workout. I can't eat at work because I'm very particular about what/where/when I eat, so I'm averaging 650 calories a day (I don't normally count calories btw). I've been doing late shifts into early shifts so I haven't had much sleep. As a bonus to lift my mood, all of this work gives me a good excuse not to be social, so that's one source of pressure lifted for the time being.

Basically, I'm wired but it's making my brain get out of breakdown mode. I'm not happy, I almost feel intoxicated or something. It's not a great way to win against my emotions, but for now it feels pretty good in comparison to last week.

650 calories a day is way too little. I would try to get at least 1500 calories a day into your system. Especially when you're working out. Always have a banana handy for when you feel woozy. They're good for potassium.

What sort of "physical" work do you do?

It sounds like you're running from a problem rather than dealing with it.
Thing is, you can only run for so long.

How about, instead of wearing yourself down,
you build yourself up by:

1) Eating right and not starving yourself (balanced healthy diet, try cutting back on the sugar if you must cut back on something)
2) Getting enough rest (not too little, not too much)
3) Exercise in moderation
4) Oh, you know how I said "eating right" and "cutting down sugar" above? You can allow yourself a special treat like a chocolate bar ... chocolate actually has been proven scientifically to lift people's moods.

... then you'll be coming from a better place physically, refreshed and with the energy to deal with what's bothering you.

Hope you will soon feel better!

I agree with kraftykortie. The reason you feel the way you do is probably because you are running low on energy. And when you exercise and your body doesn't have any energy you are actually harming yourself because your body has to burn muscle for energy because it doesn't have enough fat or calories to get energy from.

Agreed on the calorie count... if you're trying to lose weight youll actually do better with maybe double your count... which at 1300 is still low... but your bodys gonna be in starvation mode and that will actually make your body store fat... plus hsving more energy will enable you to workout better... the body needs fuel... nothig wrong with eating... just dont eat bs...

Sorry guys, I should have been more clear. I know my calorie intake is insufficient, I'm not trying to lose weight but I have very specific rules and routines for eating which mean that at the moment I almost can't eat if that makes sense? For example I don't eat when I'm out, so I can't have anything when I'm at work or at extracurricular activities.I know that I can in a literal sense, but I can't bring myself to do it in a mental sense, it's just how I am .

I know all about the many ways in which this is bad for my body. Like many ED types I am highly knowledgeable about what I should be doing, and I am pretty much ignoring it. Fitness and nutrition are some of my special interests, but I tend to take them to extremes.

So I am semi-deliberately manipulating my energy levels by doing too much/not eating enough. I say semi-deliberately because only part of it is choice, the rest is compulsion from my autism and comorbids. It is an unsustainable and damaging solution to a breakdown, but for now it's a reprieve that should last me a couple of days.

I know. I just got so tired of being overwhelmed, I was at breaking point. This whole thing I'm doing now is kind of a bittersweet distraction. I actually feel pretty good right now, I just finished work and I'm off to ballet. My body chemistry is making me feel elated. But I am sad for the me of next week, because I can't keep this up and I'll be back to square one I fear.



I work produce in a supermarket. I'm very energetic and focused so I'm running round all day, plus heavy lifting. I like it though, I find the colours and shapes of produce displays very pleasing .

Thank you for being honest and bringing up the topic of ED. This is a good sign ... I once had a friend, a very dear one, who had an ED. She tried to keep it hidden, but eventually I found out and had to tell her that I knew. The friendship did not end well, and I can only hope that she is alive and well. Even after an emergency hospitalization to get some nutrition into her, she would not seek help after she left the hospital.

From what I've read about EDs, fitness and nutrition are not "special interests" of the type only an autistic person might have, because I'm fairly certain that NTs have EDs too, and the literature says that people in general who have an ED are often hugely interested in things like cooking, recipes, nutrition, fitness, exercise. So I would say these "special interests" probably aren't an "autism thing". In any case, you have rightly called it going to extremes.

Please know that you don't need to follow any rules about where you eat, unless there's a sign posted specifically saying "no food allowed." I've seen people eat at work all the time ... if you don't have a desk to eat at, there's generally a break room or cafeteria where eating is allowed. And people eat at extracurricular activities all the time, too ... in fact, that's normally part of why people like going out and doing things.

As for nervousness affecting your appetite, yes, I've had that happen to me on rare occasions when my stomach just feels queasy ... But I always bounce back quickly and eat hearty meals the next day (or even after several hours pass and I get hungry again).

I've also read about the "high" that people can get from an ED ... it's like a drug. And you're right in thinking that this state of elation will end.

You are young, and can put this ED behind you early before it does too much damage to your body ... and your mind. My friend was well into middle age, and I hesitate to describe in detail what she eventually ended up looking like, and acting like. I was literally afraid to travel with her anywhere, because she was so weak it looked like she just might collapse and die on the spot, and I didn't want to be responsible. Her mental health was affected to the point where I was acting like her mother (or babysitter) and apologizing for, or not going along with, her mentally unstable and ill-considered behavior in public ... even though she was older than me. When I say "mentally unstable," I'm not referring to typical autistic or Aspie traits ... because I had known her for years and for many years considered her well adjusted to society. What I'm saying is, her mental health deteriorated towards the end, and she was far from being the person I had first met ... either that, or her obsession with and need to hide her ED changed (or maybe she was just more open with it after I let her know I knew her secret). Either way, the way she lived had become, in a word ... dangerous.

I do hope she's still alive and all right.

And I hope you will do the right thing and everything you can to overcome this ED ... then you'll be a true winner!

Best wishes, you're in my thoughts and prayers.

Sincerely,

~~ the phoenix

To the OP - do you know what led up to your meltdown? Instead of making yourself oblivious by overdoing and undereating, possibly looking at the antecedents of the episode could give you insight that will help prevent a recurrence. Just a suggestion.

What's a ED?

eating disorder

I do indeed. Mainly stress from a relationship. I don't do relationships, I tried one, and I couldn't handle it so I had to end it with the guy. That still hasn't totally worked actually, as he seems to think I'll get over my aversion to intimate relationships by seeing him more and thus hasn't given up on 'us' (I have). My family and I also went away last-minute, and that was kind of the final straw as I didn't have time to prepare myself mentally for the change in routine.



I find it much easier to be honest on WP than I do in real life. That said my family knows about my problems with food, but it only comes up every now and again. Mostly they get angry with me which is very unhelpful; i.e. more than once when I was younger they threatened to tell my friends at school, as if that would make me 'snap out of it' . I've been doing this since I was 11, since I first had some control over what and when I ate or didn't eat. Anyway I usually keep it to a 'manageable' extent, i.e. what I'm doing now is pretty extreme for me. To look at I'm slim/skinny but not quite in the danger-zone; this is to keep my exercise routines feasible and to keep people off my back. I do like to work out and look toned and feel strong, so I don't always starve myself to the point of total weakness. That said if I have a day where I don't work out, then I've trained myself not to feel hungry at all. My relationship with food is complicated.



This is true but there is a definite overlap in ED traits and ASD traits. The dedication to routine and extent of knowledge I have regarding nutrition is equal to my dedication and knowledge of my special interests.

I hope your friend is doing better now too phoenix. In my experience eating disorders have a lot to do with wanting to control one's life and one's body, and that can build up to a very destructive, physically and mentally unhealthy obsession that becomes impossible to hide in day-to-day life. I've seen this happen to an acquaintance and it was shocking how much she changed; even when she came back from hospital her personality was irrevocably changed, it was very sad. Hopefully I won't ever get this bad . Maybe confronting it and thinking it out through WP etc. will help me?

It does make me sad if people invite me out for food and I can't go because I know I won't be 'able' to eat there. A big part of me doesn't want help though; like I say, this has been part of my psyche since 11, I don't know a version of myself that doesn't have these problems .

I apologize if I oversimplified your issue with a bunch of bs you already knew... didnt mean to be insensitive to your issue...

Hi Rachel. You're a nice and intelligent person, just remember that.

They won't take away your freedom if you seek treatment for a ED. I'm a little worried. Please see at least a counsellor about it. You have lots of good stuff in your mind. ED, if left untreated, can be quite dangerous.

You broke up with the guy, but he insists you're not "broken up?" That's no good. You have to keep reminding him that the relationship is over.

If he forces himself upon you, and insists on seeing you, he's crossing the line. That's harassment. You have the right not to see a person if you don't want to see the person. Do you still want to see him as a friend?

LOL .... in my age range, it's Erectile Dysfunction.

No apology necessary , my first post wasn't especially clear



I have applied for counselling through my GP. This was about a fortnight ago, I haven't heard back yet which is frustrating. I'm worried too, I am trying to do something about it and reach out. Easier said than done with mental health issues in my area, but I've made a start at least.



He is trying to show me that my autism doesn't mean I can't have a relationship. This might well be true (I hope so) but I don't want a relationship with him and he needs to respect that . I think he is trying to be respectful, to help or even 'save' me from myself to an extent, but I am an independent person and I need him to stop. One central problem is that he projects his own emotions onto me; he thinks I feel the same way about him but just can't process it because of ASD, when in fact I don't feel the same way (and actually dealing with that realisation, that I might never connect with someone, has been quite traumatic).

I would be OK with being friendly, but the more he keeps this up the less that is the case. I don't feel threatened but I do feel emotionally barraged with his firm belief that I do/can feel the same way he does, if I give it time.

Hey Rachel i do hope your doing a little better? As Kraftie has mentioned he has now gone beyond the boundaries you have set and as much as he is seeming sincere he is now taking a passive aggressive approach. Also maybe he sees a little of you in himself, this is typical Jung theory of falling for a reflection of yourself, in other words he sees you in him and can relate so in essence is falling for himself ( any jung experts? don't think i worded that one too well! lol) Add to that due to his age his testosterone levels will be pretty high and will be acting out according to his body chemistry. At this point he seems to be thinking more about himself ( maybe without realising it) and using close to gaslighting techniques to try to win you over. You have done remarkably well to at least let him know of your position at this period in time. I commend you for that, it is not an easy thing to do at all for almost anyone whatever spectrum you are on. Just stick to your boundaries and rules you are making for yourself, only you will know what works for you and if its not respected then giving a wide birth no matter how nice he is is something you need for yourself.

I hope you feel better soon!

( This is where kraftie comes in and translates what i say into one singular articulate sentence that you can understand! hehehe )